(Closed) CFBC: Helpful Resources for Fence Sitters

posted 6 years ago in No Kids
Post # 35
Hostess
7103 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

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MissesAwesome: Just reading the second article rang true so many times, a great read and to quote, “By not deciding, we hold onto the illusion that we can have it both ways — that we don’t have to give up anything. Nor do we face the risk of discovering that we’ve made the wrong decision.”

Post # 36
Member
327 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2017 - Combermere Abbey

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missmunch:  this +1000, I think perhaps for us both we admire having grown up, independent children, so that we may have a family and be free to do whatever we want because we no longer have ‘dependents’. But to get there requires going through the drudgery as you say. 

Post # 42
Member
326 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

I’m pretty ambivilant at present about having kids or not. Fiance said this weekend “I can’t wait to have kids” and my response (in my head) was ‘………not anytime soon, if at all!’

I suffer with anxiety and depression, I have bad bouts every few years. I worry that my anxiety will define how well I am able to parent – the impact of this on my quality of life doesn’t bear thinking about. I don’t think I’d be able to sleep or do anything other than keep an eagle eye on this little baby we’ve made so nothing happens to it. I am already like this when I see my friends 2 year old, I gasp every time she falls over or does anything like climbing onto a chair to eat her lunch…..ridiculous I know, considering I am a childcare professional with 10 years of experience under my belt! 

I resent the idea of having to give up my free time, spend money, take less holidays to far flung places, not being able to give my dog (hopefully dogS one day!!) the attention he deserves…not being able to lie in with Fiance, have movie nights, go walking, work less if I want (I’m self employed) for a baby/child. At the same time, I have worked with children (0-5s) for about 10 years now and find it fun (sometimes) but have always looked forward to handing them back to their parents at the end of the day, thinking “thank god I can go home and put my feet up” (or whatever).

I have some friends who have children, who swear blind they love their lives. I just don’t really know if its for me – whether it’s my age (I’m 26), my selfishness, my relationship with FI?! He wants kids but honestly I don’t think he has a clue how much work is involved and how expensive the practice of rearing a child actually is. He earns much more than I do and it’s likely I’d end up staying home (I like the idea of this but then remember it’s because I don’t really like working – would much rather volunteer doing things I actually care about but can’t afford it). FSIL has repeatedly made her feelings known (“I like babies, when are you having one??”) and when Future Father-In-Law retired (temporarily!) he commented “so I’m ready for my first grandchild now!”.

I know there’s plenty of time for us to discuss it and make our minds up, but at the moment I feel like I’m leaning more towards “no thanks” than “yes please”, like Fiance is.

Those articles are really helpful, but sometimes I just wish this was a decision that could be made, defintively, on my behalf.

Post # 44
Member
326 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

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MissesAwesome:  This was weighing on my mind so heavily last night I ended up broaching it with Fiance there and then! I think he thought I was joking at first, and then suggested that those feelings might be due to the current bout of depression I’m going through (which, to a point, I can agree with – he wasn’t trying to patronise me, he is very good at helping me sort out my thoughts when I feel overwhelmed!). I asked him why he wanted children and he said “because I do” with further prompting it was “so someone can look after me when I’m old” – he was half joking (this is how we navigate most of our serious conversations). I asked him if he would have a look at some info online re parenting, pregnancy, childcare costs etc. Later on he was fiddling with my engagement ring and then said “god, I spend that much on a ring and you’re not even going to birth my spawn!” – he always knows how to make me laugh (NB for anyone who thinks he is being emotionally manipulative – we just joke about everything otherwise I take myself too seriously, it works well for us and he is not pressuring me, just winding me up).

It’s such a long way off for us and I change my mind nearly every day so who knows what will happen!

But thanks for making this thread, it opened the floodgates (in a good way!)

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