(Closed) CFBC how do you know it's right for you?

posted 5 years ago in No Kids
Post # 2
5070 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2012

I’m 45 and have never doubted my choice.  Mentally I’m not strong enough to do it.  I’m way too selfish – I like my me time.  I love sleeping in.  

I always thought that having children should be a desire from deep inside.  I never had it.

I have a nephew and niece I adore and that’s enough for me.  

Post # 4
2374 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

 It was never a potential pain or discomfort issue for me. I just never once looked at a baby or child and thought “I want one”. In fact, it was always “I DON’T want one”. I don’t regret my decision in the least. Since I’m my mom’s only child (dad had kids from a previous marriage), there was an expectation that I’d have one or two, but I learned a long time ago that you can’t live your life according to other people’s expectations or wants. 

Just like any major decision in life, don’t rush or try to force it. Enjoy your life, spend time doing what makes you happy. If at some point, you decide that children would make you happy, go for it. If not, there’s nothing wrong with that.

Post # 5
899 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

Definitely do some research. Whether you have kids, or never have kids, either choice is a big decision that shouldn’t be taken lightly. It’s one of those few decisions in life that will totally alter the course of the rest of your life. Be very sure whatever you choose. 

For me personally, I would rather be at the end of my life and regret not having kids; than to be at the end of my life, have kids, and regret that. Hopefully I will be CFBC and not regret it. 

Kids are a lot of work and exhausting, I could never do it….I never want to do it. It’s not worth it for me. For others, it’s totally worth it. But if you want kids, also know there is never a “perfect time” to have kids and no such thing as “perfect parents.” Sometimes you’ll be sick,  sometimes you’ll make mistakes, but that doesn’t mean you wouldn’t make a good mom.

There’s a lot to think about.

Post # 6
5151 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2014

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Wilson2Bee:  I am kind of like you – pretty indifferent about it. I have absolutely ZERO desire right now, though I always thought I wanted like 4 kids. Now that I’m married and baby-making age…I just…dont want to.

I have multiple friends who have had babies and it just doesnt appeal to me. Pregnancy looks awful, I’ve heard horror labor stories and then the baby just seems like SO MUCH WORK! That thing is tethered to your boob 24/7! I also have seen multiple friends have their lives just taken over by their babies – thats all they talk about…and it’s really boring to me. I cant imagine.

Post # 7
1156 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

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Wilson2Bee:  A lot of what you’re saying is only related to babies. I think it sounds like you’re really focused on the infant aspect. I think it would be a good idea to think into the future instead of just the first couple years.

I have several friends with kids who hated the infant stage and hated being pregnant. But now that their kids are 3+, they really enjoy being a parent. Not saying that you would. It’s just a recommendation to put aside the lack of sleep and painful birth and imagine your entire life without kids. Is that something you’re ok with? If so, then that is perfectly ok. I just think there is more to making the decision than just not wanting to deal with preganancy and an infant. That is such a small part of having kids.

Post # 8
892 posts
Busy bee

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Wilson2Bee:  we were both on the fence and it stressed us out because we  were in our mid 30s and wanted to finalize our decision before we got married. after a year of talking exhaustingly about it, we agreed to go ahead and get married. if one of us suddenly felt very strongly either way, the other one would be happy about getting on board. if I was too old to be willing to get pregnant, we’d look into adoption. we knew each other and ourselves well enough to feel comfortable with that plan and got married.

fast forward 3 years. we finally decide we definitely didn’t want them. we waited another year and he got a vasectomy. it was such a HUGE relief! 

so my point is, make sure you really feel like you’re both on the same page before getting married, and take your time with these discussions. it took us years to figure it out. it would have been foolish to rush into anything. 

Post # 9
605 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2016

Women are socialized, basically from birth, that they will be mothers one day themselves (think about baby dolls that are marketed to toddlers). It is not unusual at all to think that you will someday have kids, and it’s also not unusual to question if it’s right for you. I also think there are many men like your husband who will have kids or not based on their wife’s decision. 

I didn’t make a formal decision that I was CFBC until I was about 25 or so. I realized that I like my lifestyle and would never want to change it for kids. There’s no need to rush your choice. I would have a long talk with your husband and see where he’s at with it. 

Post # 10
1104 posts
Bumble bee

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Wilson2Bee:  My advice is to really picture the reality of having children. Don’t just think about a sweet little baby and pinterest nursery images…really imagine all of it. Imagine what your daily life would be like at its best, its worst, and everything in between! Imagine yourself not just as the mom of a baby, but at many ages. What’s your life like at 30, 40, 50, 60, etc.  Picture your worst case scenario kid-wise. Maybe for you it’s an out of control teenager or a high needs toddler, or how parenthood could affect your relationship.

Next, do the same thing for not having kids. Picture the best possible cases, the travel, the lack of responsibility, the spontaneity. Then, again, picture daily life throughout many ages. What would your day be like without kids at 30, 40, 50 , 60 , etc. What’s your biggest fear about not having children? Imagine that worst case scenario. For many people it’s being alone and elderly, or regretting their decision, or not having much in common with peers who are having kids. 

From there, you just have to figure out what you want the most and what turns you off the most. Maybe the idea of a cranky toddler isn’t that bad but the idea of regretting not being a mom feels unbearable for you. For me, being old and alone doesn’t sound fun, but being saddled with parenting responsibilites seems instantly way worse. 

I honestly believe a lot in the power of a pro/con list. I could probably tell you 50 earnest reasons why I don’t want to have kids, but often when you ask people who want to be parents why they want kids they just sort of “want to”. In my experience those people tend to enter into parenthood with wildly unrealistic ideals and get kind of crushed under the weight of parenting. Meanwhile, a good friend of mine desperately wants kids. She raised her 4 younger siblings and works in the medical field. She can totally handle having kids and she absolutely knows what she’s getting into. She’s thought about it a lot. 

You’ll never regret thinking through your decision so take your time and write it out!

  • This reply was modified 5 years, 4 months ago by mrshomemaker.
Post # 11
161 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

I never wanted kids–even as a little girl I never played with girls and never imagined that for myself. I don’t particularly like children and was always an ‘old soul’ As an example, when I was 11 what I most desperately wanted for Christmas was a set of lagostina pots and pans and a food processor–I watched pretty much exclusively Food Network at that point and was also constantly starting businesses and doing various grown up-ish things. Not to say any of that precludes you from having kids, more that I was never particularly ‘kiddish’ myself and had/have a hard time imagining being around kids all the time.

My mom is also not really a kid person. I was an oops and while she was a great mom and now a great friend, she would have been just as happy not to have me. It’s perfect as there was 0 pressure to have grand kids.

For me, wanting kids was the number one relationship deal breaker I couldn’t get past. As soon as my husband and I started dating I was extremely clear I’d never be having kids and that we couldn’t date if he was set on them. He had always assumed he would have kids but didn’t particularly want them (or not want them, it was sort of the next thing in life for him after marriage). As soon as I talked about reasons for not wanting kids, the financial freedom it would give us, the ability to travel, lack of responsibility, etc., he started to see the benefits.

The more we talked about it the more on-board he got and about 4 years ago, he got the big V, which is probably the nicest present anyone has ever got me 😉 His sister has two kids, which keeps his mom happy, grandparent-wise, and we enjoy borrowing and then giving back our cousins and nephews.

One thing that really helped me, not so much in making the decision, which I was always very clear on, but in accepting/admitting it publicly, was to be friends with a couple of amazing women who were CFBC and older than me, so in their 30s when I was 20 (I’m 29 now). It was reallllly nice to have the support and connection and not be getting told ‘you’ll change your mind later.’ Ummm no. Thanks though! 

This is a little rambling and maybe not quite to your question, but I agree with pp about thinking through what you think you would miss out on or not in both scenarios and see what feels best.

Also, I obviously don’t know, but I do think that if you do have kids you are able to do a lot more than you think you will be able to for them! Evolution does help us out there! I’m not sure if I would put your ankle experience (which absolutely sucks, I’m sorry!) down as the not having kids reason–we are all stronger than we know and it seems for those who do have kids that only brings it out in them.

Good luck!

Post # 12
552 posts
Busy bee

I knew it was right because it always felt right. Same with DH. It’s something I feel you know deep down and guides your choices. It was pretty simple for me.

Post # 13
10991 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

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Same here.  I always just Knew from childhood that I did not want kids.

I’M now past childbearing age & so happy I never changed my mind.  It was the right choice for me.

Post # 14
5145 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2010

While I spent many years ambivalent about having kids (thinking I would maybe have them “one day” but rather avoiding that one day coming anytime soon and making choices inconsistent with planning for children and that forced putting off the decision) I became formally childfree at about 30 or 31, after I was married. My husband, like yours, was more of a take it or leave it mindset (which I actually think is VERY common amongst men from talking to other male friends and family members) and was fine with this, and over the years has become more childfree himself. He’d rather be with me than with some hypothetical someone else with some hypothetical kids 🙂

It was really reflecting seriously about what I wanted in my life, about what having kids would mean, what parenthood would be mean, whether those things were compatible that really pushed me from “ambivalent” to “certainly childfree”. It was around time I was married I really felt I needed to make some plans as to whether or not I was going to have children, as it would affect my marriage, my career, my choices. A big concern for me was I did not want to change the dynamic of my wonderful marriage so dramatically (“having a baby is like throwing a hand grenade into a happy marriage” – parahrasing Nora Ephron). I also am very protective of my “me time”, my free time, my autonomy and freedoms.  I talked to a lot of people, including friends who were parents, I read a lot of books by both parents and childfree, joined various fencesitting and childfree groups online, read parenting forums, reflected on my own experiences with kids (I was oldest of a few siblings and did a lot of childcare and worked with kids when younger), critically thought about how the lives of my peers who had children had changed, looked back on what I saw from my mother raising me and my siblings, took to heart honest conversations from parent friends and parent relatives who fortunately were very forthright with me about their feelings on parenthood and whether they would do it again, and so on. In hte midst of all of that I had a bit of a moment where I realized “whoa, I have never really wanted kids at all”. I had spent a lot of years more or less convincing myself I would one day, but my heart always knew what it wanted. 

A few years later, I am sterilized, and very happily childfree. I am also very, very happy I never had children when I was in doubt (“because if everyone waited until they were ready, no one would have kids!” as the saying goes..ugh) and removed the ability to make the right choice for me. I have added more reasons but ultimately it comes down to “I don’t want children/I don’t want parenthood”. Definitely, if I have to make a pros list, it includes not carrying a pregnancy or going through childbirth, not risking fourth degree tears or incontinence anytime I laugh, and so on. I am old enough I have many friends who are recently or LONG out of childbirth and have a litany of pregnancy and childbirth stories to turn my stomach. While I am someone who takes care, I am also not a caretaker when it comes to human beings. I am as equally uninterested in caretaking a newborn as I am a 7 year old, 17 year old, or 27 year old. Give me a 7 week old kitten, 7 year old or 17 year old cat though and I am all over it 🙂

So, I guess, maybe my point is, it is good to think critically about whether or not having children is really right for you. Many people go into it only thinking of the Kodak moments. Whether or not you choose to have children, I think that it is good to make an informed – at least as informed as you can be – choice based more on realities and self-reflection and self-awareness. Take your time! I would caution you don’t do something silly like throw away the birth control and let “fate” decide as I have seen some people who are ambivalent do. That is basically choosing pregnancy by opting out of making an informed choice.

Post # 15
431 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2019 - Canadian Rockies

I’m 29 and have decided since I was maybe 26 that I definitely didn’t want them. Fiance agrees. When I look at kids, I think, I don’t want that. When I hear parents talk about spending the weekend at their kid’s soccer game, I don’t want that. When I see a baby, it doesn’t do anything for me. When we are out to a meal and hear kids yelling, we shudder a bit. Now, when I see cats on F B, that’s when I get excited!! Cat mom life haha 😉

For most of my life I thought I’d have kids but now.. not so much.

Here are my lovebugs btw. They’re sisters

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