Post # 1
Here’s my situation:
Together 8 yrs
Married 10 months
I’m turning 36 next month, he just turned 37
Most of my friends are mid-30’s new parents with children all under 4. In fact, my group has had 9 kids in 3.5 years with another on the way. Some have 2 kids right now. We see the nitty gritty and sacrifice. Heck, I feel like they are all my nieces/nephews. Really feeling like we need to make the decision NOW because of age. Questions I ask:
Is it FOMO (fear of missing out) vs really WANTING a kid?
Do people ever really WANT a kid (vs previous generations, you just have them)
Is being an “auntie” enough for me?
We’re financially stable but does paying off our home sooner and travelling make me happier than allocating that $$ to kids?
Are we willing to spend $$ on potential fertility treatments (ovarian cyst removal in 20’s, 1 ovary/tube left)
This generation of choice has me completely indecisive. My husband and I are really hashing out the pros/cons, but when did you know? How long did you go back/forth or discuss before making a decision? Have you changed your mind? I’m posting in CFBC to get a response other than, oh you won’t regret it once you have them. Thanks everyone!
Post # 2
when did you know? When I was young I wasn’t interested, but made a conscious decision around age 12 that it wasn’t for me.
How long did you go back/forth or discuss before making a decision? No back and forth here. I really just actively do not want children. It’s not a passive thing for me where I’m like I could take them or leave them. I just really don’t want kids. Any of it.
Have you changed your mind? Nope. Like you I have friends and family with babies and I thought maybe it would bring on FOMO or something, but it’s never even been something I’ve considered.
Post # 3
Hmm. 2 kids of my own, 5 total with the step kids. Never “wanted” wanted kids. But am so glad I did. I’m not a baby person or a little kid person, though I adored my own. I love love teenagers and younger adults. My kids are all teenagers now & it’s pretty awesome. So. It’s ok if you don’t feel like the typical baby crazy Lady, you still can love & raise good kids and not count the cost. There are pros & cons to everything, though.
Post # 4
- Wedding: January 2021 - City, State
When did I know, always
have I changed my mind, hell no.
i had my mind made up and got sterilised at 30. My other half is fine with it, he wanted kids initially but wanted to be with me more, he was more in the of it happens it happens camp.
Post # 5
I always feel for people on the fence. That’s a hard and difficult decision to make. I’ve known that I was CFBC for years. For me, I have zero desire for children. I will say that I don’t have a fear of missing out, but I do wonder what my life will look like when I’m much older.
At the end of the day, kids are such an enormous sacrifice and lifestyle change that I would have to want them with every fiber of my being in order to make that sacrifice. And even if I thought I might kind of want them, I’d still choose CF because for me, I’d be giving up way too much for something I only kind of thought I wanted.
It’s smart to consider if you’re feeling a FOMO or an actual desire to have children. I think it’s always best to make intentional decisions based of what you actually want, rather than a fear of missing out.
Post # 6
- Wedding: September 2017 - Poppy Ridge Golf Course
We each have one child from previous relationships. My son is 19 and on his own already, his daughter turns 12 this month. Truthfully, having kids was never a must for me. I don’t regret having my son but if I’d never had any children that would have been perfectly fine too. We’re so firmly against having more children I’m seriously considering a sterilization procedure. There’s just nothing about starting over with a new tiny tyrant that appeals to us more than our current lifestyle. We love to travel, enjoy a lot of nights out and love having an unrestricted sex life. There’s another thread and I can’t recall the exact title but it was something like, “How did having kids affect your intimacy?”. That is the most depressing stuff I’ve read in awhile. Everyone states a slew of negatives but ends it saying its all totally worth it. 😏 None of it sounds worth it to us, it sounds frickin awful. But its nice that you’re thinking this through before making a definite decision. If you feel like you may regret not having kids then continue to weigh your pros and cons.
Post # 7
I’ve never wanted children, and my Fiance got a vasectomy last May. I actually love children, and I know I’d be an amazing mother, but I just don’t have the desire. I’m not willing to sacrifice, and I’m ok with that decision. I have a complete and full life with my fiancé and our myriad of animals.
Post # 8
I’ve personally knew since around age 11 and was diagnosed infertile in my early 20’s so the decision about permanence was made for me. I was thrilled as I would have had sterilisation procedures done eventually anyway.
I have always thought fence sitters would benefit from spending more time with kids, where possible…This would be the biggest regret one day should you make the wrong decision and die hard CFBC’s usually know without a doubt and thats a different situation.
Post # 9
I had little to no desire for children through my teens and twenties, in hindsight I always knew I did not want them but did not voice it then. It was something I always put off, made choices that would mean I was delaying it, or talked about is “maybe one day”. I sometimes hoped I would run out of time and be inferile.
After I got married at 30 and I felt “under pressure” (not from my husband at all, but just comments made by others) it did not take me too long to realize I definitely did not want children, I had no interest in parenthood and my “cons” list dominated over any “pros” (I can’t even think of any pros anymore). I don’t have any fear of “missing out”, as you can’t miss what you don’t want.
I was sterilized a handful of years ago (I am now in my later 30s) and no regrets: it was actually freeing and I love my childfree life and am excited about my childfree future too.
Post # 10
Well…I always thought I was going to get married and have kids. Never thought I had an option -it was just part of what my culture had taught me it was expected from me. When DH and I started dating we would often talk about our “future kids”, and even went as far as “naming” them.
But at some point I got a real scary pregnancy scare and it forced me to ask myself: What does having kids really mean?
Turns out I didn’t like what it meant. And so, I became unsure. I discovered I COULD choose to have or not to have (even if it meant going against my cultur’s values) and started thinking pros and cons. I told DH about this and we had very long conversations which helped me realize how I felt: I didn’t want kids (didn’t feel the need for them), nor did I saw many pros on them; but at the same time I was not against them (if he wanted them), nor did I see only cons -as long as he would REALLY help with them.
Nevertheless, we decided we were still too young to have them.
Fast forward to now and we LOVE out childfree lives. DH has converted into CFBC and we have realized we aren’t willing to give up our lifestyle for them. We see people around us with kids of different ages and we can’t find anything appealing on such scenarios.
However, we are also afraid of regret, so we have come with two “back up” plans. (1) We will revisit our choice on our mid thirties; and (2) We will revisit again on our 40s -if by then we want a kid, we will adopt. I personally doubt we will regret them (especially given that we come from big families and our siblings will probably have their own kids), but just in case we are “prepared”.
In any case, regret can happen on both sides.
Post # 11
For three years we were TTC and some months really not trying as we were both very satisfied with how our lives were. I just went with how I was feeling, the feeling of wanting to be a Mum did though become stronger and to the point where that was what really mattered to me. I’m now 36 and due in April.
Post # 12
when I was younger I didn’t want kids, then I went through a phase where I sort of assumed of course I’d have them but in a distant future sort of way. Now that I’m married and 30 it’s started to become a more real future and we have had many discussions trying to work out whether to have kids or not. There have been times when I’ve really thought maybe I don’t want kids and we’ve talked about all the negatives and all the logical reasons why it’s exhausting and expensive and restrictive etc and we have nieces and nephews and will have more and maybe that’s all we want etc etc and it’s been a really stressful time
But… then over Christmas we spent loads of time with friends and family who have kids and the whole time I kept thinking when we have kids we’ll do this tradition or when we have kids we won’t do it like that and none of it has anything to do with the logical arguments or that sort of stuff but was just more an emotional I want to do that even if it’s hard and awful and we have to give up loads of stuff
Don’t know if that helps and we’re still at least 2 years away from TTC so I guess could change our minds again
Post # 13
Since I have kids, perhaps I see things from that perspective, and I only see pros in having kids. Lol.
Post # 14
Thanks everyone. It is rough being a fencesitter. I wish we just knew from early on like some of you.
We’ll continue talking. We’re trying to be deliberate about realizing where the pressure and feelings are coming from. But again, I do look forward to seeing and love all these kids in my lives, but get over it when they start going nuts, haha! The holidays and watching This is Us is not helping!