Post # 1
If you are a CFBCer, do you date or get involved with people with kids? Are you married or living with a man with kids? If so, how do you cope with stepparenting?
Before Dh I avoided men with kids unless I was absolutely sure that the relationship was going to be casual dating. One of dh’s sons was a teenager when we met, living with his mom, spending vacations with dad. It strained us nearly to the breaking point. I moved out & canceled our wedding–it was that bad. Dh just refused to set limits.
Fortunately, both of his sons are grown men & on their own now & we get along fine.
So what does CFBC mean to you? Does it include not getting involved with men with kids?
Post # 2
sassy411: no way would I get involved with someone with kids; I have very few deal breakers, but that is one. Not only do I not want to play a role in parenting/grandparenting (so, adult children would also be a no as I would be concerned about them having children; grandparents these days seem to be doing more and more when it comes to their grandchildren because of childcare costs etc), but I have fairly strong views about children and so we likely would not be compatible. I’ve also (personally) found that a lot of the CFBC people I know have much more in common with me than just not wanting children: a lot of them are atheist, have liberal-moderate political views, etc. I feel I gel much more with the CFBC people I know than the non CFBC people.
Post # 3
Never! I don’t want anyone else’s kids in my life like that either. Total deal breaker.
Post # 4
Being CFBC means not wanting kids by any means. If you are willing to step parent then you are not CFBC. The only exception would be dating/marrying someone with adult children who no longer need parenting.
I kind of look at it like veganism. It is not just a choice not to do one thing (eat animals/give birth) but a whole lifestyle (No animal products/no child rearing or parenting).
I think this is one of the problems with the good old stereotypes actual CFBC people face. People get confused because some represent themselves as CFBC but really aren’t. Getting told that you will change your mind because Joan was CFBC but adopted/is step parenting and is great at it so you will change your mind too is annoying. If Joan was open to those things it means she was never CFBC.
I live a vegan lifestyle because my husband is vegan but I would never call myself vegan because I am open to eating non vegan (but still vegetarian) food if I want. So despite living 98% of the time in a vegan lifestyle and it informs my decisions I am just a vegetarian.
Post # 5
It is not easy – thank God everyone does not feel this way. No, you will not agree on parenting styles, neither do most biological parents (Ask around) Be careful to not miss out on the love of your life because they have children. Kids grow up, move out and move on…and if given good morals and guidance will become great friends to you (and their stepparent)! Go where He leads you. It will all be ok!
Post # 6
- Wedding: May 2018 - City, State
I’m a fence sitter but kids have ALWAYS been a deal breaker for me.
Post # 7
sassy411: so this might be a little hypocritical of me but I wouldn’t date a man with a kid. I have a child my self and dated a guy with a kid. The relationship wasn’t bad. I didn’t know how to parent or be around his kid. The mom was super religious and strict. When I broke up with him his ex told him if he ever got back with me he would never see his kid again. I guess every situation is different. I have a friend who is dealing with her bf custody battle and taking care of his kid. She always complains and talks about how she is going to resent him and if her feelings are selfish. In no way is she being selfish but if she is resentful and knows it can hurt the relationship in the future she needs to think about how the kid may be hurt if she leaves. When it comes to kids especially young children you have to look out for them. My childs dad really is not involved. He see’s her every week but has no say or input. Idk if he doesn’t care or if I just do a great job that he don’t complain.
I should add that my child is from previous relationship. My Darling Husband does not want any kids.
Post # 8
I agree with most PP in that it’s a big fat no. I don’t want my own children but begrudgingly raising someone else’s genetic material….I lack vocabulary to voice that vehement a no. Especially if the original parental units had to decide on said kids future and I was just the friendly bystander…like a nanny. Ugh. All the bullshit. None of the disciplinary rights.
(adoption is a different matter)
I’d like to muddy the water (sorry to slightly thread jack your post OP)
Would you date a man with fully grown children. Had flown the nest but MIGHT still need occasional parental involvement?
Post # 9
Nope. I would never get involved with someone who has children, no matter what their age.
Post # 10
Dh has 2 adult sons. Neither seems eager to have kids of their own & they live on the other side of the country. So there is minimal risk of grandkids.
Post # 11
I would’ve voted if you had a “no, but I’ll not say never” poll choice. lol
I wouldn’t/didn’t date those who wanted to parent, were a parent, divorced, or those with obvious signs of “family baggage” (for lack of a better phrase). Having experienced blended family situations myself, (both with joys and pitfalls), I wanted to keep it simple. But I wouldn’t say never.
eta: in fact, I should qualify further. My Darling Husband wanted to parent. I made my CFBC feelings clear. If kids were his dealbreaker, we’d move along. He stayed.
Post # 12
I am in an odd situation. I’m CFBC, but he has 4 of his own. There’s a 15 year age difference between us and although I’m technically a step-parent, I’ve only met them a handful of times in the 5 years we have been together. Two of his kids are all grown up and on their own, and two of them are teenagers living with their mother. The only time I’m reminded of the fact that I am technically a step-parent is when the child support check goes out once a month. Other than that, there is no interaction with them at all. So yes, legally I am a step-parent but that doesn’t change the fact that I am CFBC.
Post # 13
Never. I know from other family in this situation that there is soooooo much drama associated with this. Never, dealbreaker, no way.
Post # 14
Astar312: Are you married to my ex?! Haha!
My ex had 4 kids. I accepted them because I loved him. Long story short, they eventually moved in with us 24/7! Going from 0 to 4 was tough. I loved them, still do, but it wasn’t in my original plan. But life happens! I think as you get a bit older it gets harder to “avoid” dating a guy with kids.
Post # 15
- Wedding: December 1969 - City, State
Kids is a deal breaker for me too, even before I knew I didn’t want my own. I come with no past baggage and am not the type of person to take on other people’s.