(Closed) CFBC: (Poll): Do You Date People With Kids?

posted 4 years ago in No Kids
  • poll: Do you date people with kids?
    Never! : (64 votes)
    74 %
    Yes, I am open to it. : (9 votes)
    10 %
    Yes, I'm involved with a partner with kids. : (5 votes)
    6 %
    Yes, I'm a stepparent. : (5 votes)
    6 %
    Other (explain). : (4 votes)
    5 %
  • Post # 16
    Member
    2375 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: June 2014

    If I wasn’t married, I’d never date anyone with kids. I like kids in very limited quantity, and because I know they’ll go home. I’ve always felt that it wouldn’t be right for kids to have a step parent that resented them, and didn’t want them around.

    Post # 17
    Member
    6292 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: August 2014

    dodobee:  Personally I wouldn’t even get involved with someone with adult children (unless they were past child-bearing age), as I wouldn’t want to risk grandchildren coming along. I really do not enjoy the company of babies or small children, so there is no way in hell I’d been down with babysitting. I would imagine that in most cases, this would put a strain on the relationship: I cannot imagine someone being over the moon if their partner wants practically nothing to do with their grandchildren, refuses to baby-sit, etc. I think very few people would be absolutely OK with that.

    And I also think j_jaye:  put it very well: it is about more than not having/having children, I see it as a whole lifestyle ‘choice’, a big part of who I am. I think that it is highly likely I would not ‘gel’ with someone who had diametrically opposed views in this regard.

    Post # 18
    Member
    1042 posts
    Bumble bee

    I am CFBC. To me that means that I do not want children. I do not want to deal with pregnancy and the responsibility of raising a child. 

    My husband also never wanted kids, but life happens and the state came a knocking to give him and three other guys a paternity test. He drew the short straw. When we met, his son was 10 and lived in a different state and only saw him once or twice a year, due to his work schedule (12 hours on, 10 hours off up to 7 days a week).

    Even though I didn’t want kids, the fact that he had a strained relationship at best didn’t sit well with me, so I pushed for them to have a relationship. His son is now 15 and moving in with us this summer. At this stage I don’t view it as raising since he’s almost an adult and his son was raised well by the grandmother.

    Some of the previous posters are very adamant about having zero contact with children and that’s fine, but to put a blanket statement saying if you are fine being a stepparent, you aren’t really CFBC is unfair. Everyone has their own views on what works for them. For me, it’s personally not having a child makes me CFBC. 

    Post # 19
    Member
    81 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: August 2018

    No I would not date someone with kids. And I don’t think someone with kids would want to date me anyways. My childfree lifestyle is a package deal, and I would assume that the parent would consider their children to be a package deal as well.

    Post # 20
    Member
    3541 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: December 2015

    I did, once, for two weeks. I didn’t find out he had a kid until he asked me out the first time. Other than that, no. 

    ETA for me it’s less about the kid, and more about the ex being in our life forever. 

    Post # 21
    Member
    5161 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: January 2010

    It was only after I was married that I became officially childfree, but in the many years before that while dating, when I was ambivalent/fence sitting, kids were always a dealbreaker for me. If I was unsure about kids of my own, I sure as heck did not want to get involved with other peoples kids. That would not be fair to me, the other person, OR the kids. I actually have wonderful stepparents myself, but know very well that being a stepparent still involves parenting and a commitment to those children. Even casually dating someone involved in their kids lives involves aspects of concerns I had no interest in when I was younger and dating, like maybe meeting them, dealing with other parent, organizing seeing each other around custody times, and so on.

    The funny thing is when I was single and dating, I came across/met a lot of single fathers who obviously believed or had learned that their kids were a selling point with women. They were flustered when I was adamant that kids were a dealbreaker or did not bite, or would try and backtrack and say they hardly saw their kids anyway. Yeah, that is not a selling point either, I already grew up with a father like that. 

    If hypothetically I had been confirmed childfree when dating, then it would have been a definite heck no too. Being childfree *for me* means not having any kids or parenting any kids, whether or not they came from my own loins. 

    I would actually not likely date a man with adult children either (especially if those adult children had kids or planned to have kids). As another poster said, there is always a risk of becoming responsible for grandchildren in part of in whole if the parents can’t (or being expected to play doting grandparent which is not me).  I also imagine we might very well have very different views on kids and so on which might not…uh, match up. I don’t want to be joking around or venting and be met with a “parenting is harder than you can ever imagine” or be bingoed by my own partner or something. 

     

    Post # 22
    Member
    55 posts
    Worker bee

    j_jaye:  I disagree. I have always known I didn’t want to have children. I told my fiancé this on our first date (I was quite tipsy) and it’s something we have spoken about a few times since. I enjoy spending some time with the kids in my life – friends’ kids, my niece and two nephews and my fiancé’s daughter from his previous marriage. She lives with her mum and we see her once a week. I am fine that I will be considered technically her step mum and happy to have a positive role in her life but I don’t consider myself to have a child. He doesn’t want more kids but has always said that if I decided I want kids he would be fully on board with that. He wants to be with me and wouldn’t want to deprive me of kids. I want to be with him and that includes having his kid in our life. 

    Post # 23
    Member
    5161 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: January 2010

    j_jaye:  I know that is also what being CFBC means for *me* – no kids at all. If I became a stepparent, or took in a nephew, or fostered kids, I would not see myself as CFBC. Rather, I would just be someone who did not give birth but was still taking on a parental role and parenting. But yeah, I have come across a few people who say they are CFBC but are stepparents. One of the larger childfree forums actually is (or was) run/owned by a stepparent and has a stepparent forum. 

    Post # 24
    Member
    1610 posts
    Bumble bee

    sassy411:  I am CFBC and have been for quite a long time now. 

    The answer for me personally would be no, no and no. I don’t want have my own kids and look after them, why would I want to be involved and help bring up somebody else’s? For me it defies the decision of not wanting them in the first place. And the situation would be even more messy because you’ll be having to share them with his ex. Being with someone who wants kids is a deal breaker for me in general, I am not going to change my mind and to me I feel like I would be living a life I certainly don’t want. 

    Luckily my fiance doesn’t want them either, he was on the fence at first but now really doesn’t want them himself.

    • This reply was modified 3 years, 9 months ago by  bluehope.
    Post # 25
    Member
    1104 posts
    Bumble bee

    sassy411:  no way. the only scenario i can ever imagine happening (which i hope doesn’t happen) is if I were suddenly single/widowed at an older age (50s,60s). If that were the case I’d be ok dating people with fully grown adult kids. 

    Post # 26
    Member
    4242 posts
    Honey bee

    Can we please not start the policing of what it means to be CFBC for individuals/being CFBC can *only* be this? 

    I see that type of militantism in other CFBC communities and its tiresome. 

    Post # 27
    Member
    55 posts
    Worker bee

    ClaudiaKishi:  Agreed. I personally feel a bit of an outsider for choosing not to have kids when all my friends are. Would feel pretty shit to also be told I can’t be in the ‘CFBC club’. Not that I’m sure I really want to define myself in this way. For me it’s a choice, not an identity. Also, for me it’s a positive choice of all the things I do want in my life rather than a negative choice of hating the idea of children in my life. I briefly dated someone who thought we had a connection because we both didn’t want kids. He used to bang on endlessly about how much he disliked kids. It was fucking tedious, besides being really offensive – kids are people. To decide you ‘hate kids’ is as bigoted and unreasonable as deciding you hate any named category of people. I like kids. I don’t want to make my own. I don’t really know if I need a name for that.

    Post # 28
    Member
    5161 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: January 2010

    ClaudiaKishi: I am not policing. I tried to make it clear that being CFBC meant for *me* not having kids of any kind, but recognizing that is not the only definition and others ascribe to different definitions for themselves. Apologies if it came across differently.

    Post # 29
    Member
    5161 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: January 2010

    redbutterfly:  I don’t think it is fair to be categorizing what is a positive or negative reason to not want kids, which implies that some reasons are just and some are not. Many CFBCers already are put on spot to justify their reasons to others as is.

    The reality is some people who are CFBC do greatly dislike children and that is a big part of why they are CFBC. Maybe not the only reason, but I see not having kids because someone does not like them as a positive choice in itself, not a negative one, as it shows awareness and is the right choice for any future hypothetical children (despite people trying to discount their reasons – even when people say they don’t like kids they get bingoed – “oh, I don’t like children either but having my OWN was different!”). That does not mean they act cruel to children or wish them harm.

    I for example recognize kids are people, but I also don’t like them as a whole. I do dislike babies and children and avoid being around them. Sorry, I am not going to pretend I like them or that I want to be the cool aunt to make it more palatable for others. I don’t wish them harm, don’t go around telling children I hate them, and would never hurt a child, indeed will step in to prevent harm to a child, but I don’t like them. Children come with all sorts of attributes I personally just find irritating. Most of them do grow out of these things as they get older, at which time I don’t feel the same way (I actually find many teenagers quite a lot more pleasant to be around than toddlers, for example). I also do hate the idea of children in my life because it would also mean preventing me from doing all the things I do want in my life…so is it a negative or positive choice according to you? Does it matter? 

    There is a lot of pressure on people who are CFBC to have the disclaimer “but…I do LOVE children!” and while that is true for some people, I think it adds pressure for a good number of CFBC again to deny their feelings/be marginalized.

    Post # 30
    Member
    4242 posts
    Honey bee

    RayKay:  No your post was fine! You were clear that that’s how you defined it for yourself 🙂 I was mostly referencing j_jayes earlier comment which was much more general. 

    The topic ‘CFBC: (Poll): Do You Date People With Kids?’ is closed to new replies.

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