(Closed) Cfbc question

posted 2 years ago in The Lounge
Post # 16
Member
9066 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

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motherbee33 :  Ok this is one of the most insulting things you can imply about someone who doesn’t want kids regardless of if they are CFBC or just don’t want biological children. She has said she doesn’t want to have kids and is actively dating someone who clearly does not want anymore children but you assume to know better than her about her own self. 

Look at it this way what if people were saying you would change your mind about wanting kids when you grow up a bit more? Implying that you clearly do not know what you want for your life. 

Not wanting children is a valid choice (just liking wanting them is) and those who want kids really need to stop assuming they know better than the actual individual who does not want kids about what that individual wants.

Post # 17
Member
431 posts
Helper bee

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motherbee33 :  I feel that being 24 means there is a lot of time for her to change her mind. Having said that, when I was her age I knew I didn’t want children, and I still don’t. Everyone has different reasons for being child free. If you’re concerned I would speak with her about it and let her know your thoughts.

Post # 19
Member
1073 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

I knew that I never wanted kids from a very early age, (I can’t even remember when because I’ve always just never wanted them) and I’m almost 44 now, so it’s entirely possible that your 24 year old friend will never change her mind about kids.  I would take her at her word and just stay out of it.  If she wants your advice then she’ll ask you.  

Eta:  why do you think she’ll change her mind?  Because you did?  I have more friends that are childfree than not and they’re all late 30s and older and none of them have changed their minds.  Not everyone is meant to, or wants to, have kids.  

Post # 21
Member
1073 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

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motherbee33 :  You did actually say that you think she may change her mind.  My outside perspective is that it’s a little odd for someone who is cfbc to date someone who has kids but I don’t know the whole story so it’s hard to say.  Maybe she is ok with being a step parent, especially if he doesn’t have his kids full time and there’s limited interaction.   Maybe they have an agreement where if they get really serious he will not expect her to be heavily involved in their lives.  Maybe he has limited involvement in their lives.  

Post # 22
Member
548 posts
Busy bee

24 is plenty old enough to know if you want kids. Plenty of women have kids at 24 (or younger), so if 24 is old enough to decide to have kids, then it’s old enough to decide not to have kids. Just because you changed your mind doesn’t mean your friend will change her mind. I’ve known since I was 14 that I don’t want kids; I’m 33 now and haven’t changed my mind. Some people are very decisive and know what they want from a young age.

Post # 23
Member
737 posts
Busy bee

Just because she’s young doesn’t mean she will or may change her mind. You should never, and I mean never assume anyone will change their mind about being CFBC. Age has nothing to do with it. I knew since I was young (teens) I didn’t want kids. And that NEVER changed and I’m going to be 30 in 5 months. If you know, you know. Time and age has nothing to do with it.

I did date someone with kids knowing I didn’t want any. I wanted to give him a chance and it got me in a nasty breakup with him getting his baby mama pregnant with a 3rd.

Being a stepmother is the hardest thing ever. Not to mention the forever drama you have to deal with the kids’ mother. Not everyone has drama, but that ex will always be in the picture and you will ALWAYS come 2nd to the kids. Dating him just made my decision even more solid.

So now, I will never date anyone with kids or who wants them. When I was single and possibly single again, I always put that in my dating profiles and always brought it up right away.

You can be CFBC but that could also mean she just doesn’t want kids of her own and is OK with being a stepmom. Because when you date someone who doesn’t have them full time, the kids are never there 24/7.

Post # 24
Member
435 posts
Helper bee

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motherbee33 :  I might get attacked for this. I am CFBC becasue I have depression issues and I just don’t think I would be a good full-time Mom. I am not speaking for anyone else with depression or anyone who is CFBC. But if a guy had a kid part itme I would not object. In some ways that would work out well for me. 

Post # 25
Member
10351 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

I feel like if you get involved with someone with children then you’re accepting that you may be in a parental role if the relationship is serious enough. So not CF by any means. I mean, I gusss unless you’re like Bonus Mom and don’t let the children come around??

Post # 26
Member
2182 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

I disagree that age has nothing to do with changing one’s mind about having kids or not. Age is definitely a factor. People change their minds about many things that they formally believed were set in stone, especially things decided at a young age. anecdotaly, I have several friends who declared that they never wanted to have kids. Every single one of them changed their minds and now have children. I considered having kids in my late 30’s because my boyfriend wanted to, but ultimately we stopped trying because I realized I couldn’t get myself to truly want children. However, in my peer group, I am the exception. I certainly don’t think one should be patronizing to anyone or suggest that a young person will change her mind about having kids. She may not. However, at 24, yeah she may change her mind.

Post # 27
Member
6420 posts
Bee Keeper

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motherbee33 :  Not CFBC but if I was it would be a hard no.  I wouldn’t want to be held down by a kid at all.

Post # 28
Member
6339 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 2009 - New York, NY

It’s hard to know without knowing about her relationship with this man, and her wants and expectations for her life.

I know some PP have advised you to talk to her, but I can tell you it wouldn’t go well if a friend came to me, without me asking, to express concerns that implied that I don’t know what I’m doing when I take a stance or make a decision that impacts my life.

There’s no reason to believe she will change her mind, and even if she does, it will be up to her to make the decision that works best for her.  That’s what being an adult is about.

Post # 29
Member
737 posts
Busy bee

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mimivac :  I absolutely hate when people think like you do. Just because she’s 24 doesn’t mean she will change her mind. That shouldn’t even be a thought in people’s heads. I’ve never wanted kids and every I get older that decision never changes.

Oh yeah, of course people can change their mind, but again, age doesn’t have to do with that. Someone could be 35 and change their mind or 25. No matter the age, the mind can change. But to assume or even state that only because of her young age is why she may change her mind is ignorant. If someone has made that choice, it should be respected.

Post # 30
Member
8980 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

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motherbee33 :  I have a friend who married a guy with kids despite not wanting to birth humans herself. They started dating when she was in her early 20s as well – just because she’s young doesn’t mean she will change her mind. 

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