Post # 1
(Hopefully we can avoid judgment here – these reasons are of course going to be selfish: if I thought having kids was in THEIR own best interest, I’d have them! And my reasons might not end up coming true, just like our reasons for NOT having kids could end up being irrelevant – we’re all just doing the best we can.)
To me, the thoughts about not having kids that hurt the most are:
– the possibility of my partner or I wishing we still had a ‘piece’ of the other, when one of us dies first. Having very close family there to mourn the loss with, together.
– the fear that I’m being too short-sighted: raising toddlers and teenagers is obviously usually difficult, if not horrible. But I would most likely have adult children for a lot longer than I’d be raising them, and the way things finish has more impact that how they start: like, I’d hate to do school over again, but I hate more to not have my degree and job!
– being old, and not having a direct tie with youth and ongoing modern life: no children and grandchildren to watch making their way in the world. Being a mere outsider great aunt at family functions, versus being deeply invested in my own children and grandchildren.
– that I’m missing out on all of the new perspectives that would be forced on me, if I had children. How I made my parents rethink SO MUCH as I grew up, and how invigorating that would be.
Post # 2
This one’s easy for me: thinking about the three very good men that I eventually had to end relationships with because they ended up deciding they wanted to be fathers, dwelling on the fact that I have already been luckier than many people to have met three such good men, and worrying if I will be lucky enough to meet at least one more (who will be OK w/my CFBC choice). Lots of hurt. Lots.
Post # 3
wow, I’m sorry – wish I’d thought about how the question could bring up real past hurts, not just imagined future ones.
I was in your position with regards to meeting a guy – I never thought I’d meet the right guy who also didn’t want kids, but I did – I hope you’ll find one too.
Post # 4
At first I was going to say nothing as that was my gut response but then I thought…the only thing that saddens me a bit is that my mother will most likely never meet a grandchild, and I know she would like to (though she tells me she accepts she will only know her furry ones). She has terminal cancer. I am childfree, and the oldest of her children by a few years. None of my other siblings have children (and while one or two may, it won’t be for a long while yet.) Not that she has ever pressured me for kids, it’s just something that kind of pangs me at times, but there are lots of things that hurt about her diagnosis and that will be lost.
That’s it, and definitely not something that raises any regret or questions about my choice. It is not even about ME missing out as I don’t feel I am missing out on anything I would want! I don’t feel like I am missing out on her meeting MY kids, just meeting any grandkids!
Post # 5
Big hugs to you. There will be your someone.
For me, what hurts has little to do with what I am ‘missing out’ on (because I don’t feel I am missing out) , and more to do with being told and reading posts about how I will never know what true love is because I have not had a child. I find this drivel offensive to my very core.
I am glad that there are parents smitten with their children, I am glad there are good parents out there working hard to raise babies into happy contended children and hopefully constructive adults, but to say that because I am not following the same life path I am not experiencing the fullness of human emotion is not true. No one can know what I feel, how I love, the depths of emotion.
Having a baby would make me a worse person, not a better one, and I would never want to parent a child I did not want. What a burden on them that would be. It hurts that I can understand why someone else would want to have children, but it seems many of those who have children cannot understand why I don’t want them.
Post # 6
I honestly can’t think of anything. We have SEVERAL nieces and nephews, so I feel that we’ll always have connections to youth and also our bloodline is still thriving thanks to his brothers and my sister. I also have my youngest brother who doesnt have children, but I know that’s in his plans down the road. My hubs and I are the only CFBC’ers in our immediate families. Maybe when I’m older I’ll feel differently? Because right now I can only think of good that comes from our decision lol.
Post # 7
I understand this. I am thankful my brother gave my parents grandbabies. Made the path much less stressful. Sorry to hear about your Mum, I can’t imagine how difficult that must be.
Post # 8
Disappointing my parents. Especially my mother. They don’t know yet and I’m really
not looking forward to telling them……
Post # 9
Why would anything hurt me about my decision? Nothing about it hurts. That’s why I’m not having them. =)
Post # 10
- Wedding: September 2016 - Talus Rock Retreat
For me the only thing is that my mom won’t have a grandchild from me…I know she would really love a grandchild for me, but I just don’t want a child. Also for my fiance’s dad. I know he would probably love for us to have one too, but it’s just not in the cards for me:)
Post # 11
Currently, the most hurtful thing is when I explain CFBC to my friends or close family and explain that my choice is partially motivated by not wanted to pass down mental illness genetics to a child, they immediately look stunned and agree. Logically I’m glad they get it, and it would be far worse if they were disagreeable or cajoling, but the immediacy with which they all grasp the situation, review my medical history and that of my SO, and agree that it’s not a solid gene pool stings a little.
Post # 12
nothing! dh and i feel like not having kids is the gift that keeps on giving. i know that sounds weird but it’s true! we have an awesome life and we would be absolutely miserable as parents. not everyone is cut out for every job and parenting is pretty all or nothing. life is crazy short and no one can make me feel bad for spending my days the way i want! there are enough random obstacles and unavoidable stresses in life as it is!
dh and i have an awesome totally stress-free relationship. we want the same things and we really have nothing to fight about. i feel like having kids is an instant point of contention for most couples. everyone says having kids changes everything, and we like things the way they are. we also love our home the way it is (peaceful, tidy, quiet) and we love our time. it’s not unusual for us to spend hours just researching things, doing projects, learning, etc. we have lots of hobbies. i go hiking pretty much every day and dh stargazes at night. i love that some weekends we sleep until 11, watch movies, and order a pizza for lunch and other weekends we’re off exploring, traveling, hanging out with friends, or going on adventures.
Post # 13
As much as babies, child birth, suckling (ew), scrimping to provide to raise a tiny precious gift that is quick to blame parents- atleast in my family history- that all sounds pretty awful and not worth the trouble. When I see how proud my husband’s mother is of her children, how she loves them so much, it makes me reconsider. It was worth it for her. Her children and grandchildren are her life, atleast the best parts of it. I feel like I might miss out on something amazing because I am selfish and stubborn. I don’t even know if I would be a good enough mother.
There are so many children in this world that need a safe and loving home. IF- big f’n IF- we decide on kids later on adopting would be my preference. The husband could go either way. He would be thrilled to have kids but he has accepted that nearing 40 it may not happen.
Post # 14
I’m scared of the time where many of my friends will have kids. I feel like I will lose them.
I’m also sad for my mom. She would love a grandchild.
It does suck too that I have crummy genetics, which isnt the primary reason but one that always brings me back if I start to wonder. It sucks when other people agree, like another poster said.
It’s also a little sad that others look down on me because I don’t want any. That I’m ignorant or cold.
Overall not having children is the right choice for me, despite those things. I don’t want any of that kid stuff, and I hate sticky hands and poop.
Post # 15
That we won’t ever be a “real” family.
…I know I know.