(Closed) CFBC: What hurts the most about your decision?

posted 6 years ago in No Kids
Post # 16
Member
1520 posts
Bumble bee

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LaurenMJ:  It hurt finding a guy who would accept this part of me and didn’t want children either. Worry that later down the line they will change theyre mind and want to leave me so some of woman can give them what they want.

My other one is the same as a lot of others, disappointing my mum. My brother is really autistic and won’t be able to have kids ever, he is so sensory he can’t even stand their noises. So that doesn’t leave her the possibility of becoming a grandparent. But to be honest I would worry about passing the autism gene on because a couple of other family members have it to a varying degree as well as my brother, I have a heightened risk of having a child with special needs. While I would love them all the same it isn’t fair on me, my brother or them when i am already a carer to my brother, its only recent years I’ve even been able to have somewhat of a life for myself. It may be selfish but I want to put myself first after most of my life being about others. 

Post # 17
Member
7520 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Nothing hurts about my decision to be CFC. 

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Rappig:  You only lose your friends if you choose to. As someone whose friends all had children in their 20’s and early 30’s you can maintain friends you just have to alter your expectations. If the friendship is worth it then you will both work for it. Plus their woes are a great reminder why you made the right choice for you by not having kids (like when their 15 year old starts dating a 20 year old and sneaks out all the time- no thanks!)

Post # 18
Member
10133 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

Nothing.  Absolutely nothing.  Now that I’m old enough to be past my childbearing years, I congratulate myself on making the best decision for myself.

Post # 19
Member
534 posts
Busy bee

Happy and confident in my choice so there is no “hurt” here. 🙂

Post # 20
Member
5521 posts
Bee Keeper

Add me to the list of ‘no hurt’. I mean, sure I get annoyed with the bingos and judgement, but I wouldn’t say it ‘hurts’, I just think the people in question are ignorant. When I was on the fence/newly CF I did have some reservations (eg my parents not getting to be grandparents; possibly losing friendships as people had kids), but as time has passed I realise that my parents aren’t that fussed anyway, and if they’re that desperate to be around small kids they can volunteer or something; and our friends have now started having children and that fear proved to be unfounded as we still see them, sans kids, plenty often. 

Deciding not to have kids has been the best decision ever, no regrets at all, and I can’t see there ever being any; as time goes on, I’m more and more happy that I’m CF. 

  • This reply was modified 5 years, 8 months ago by barbie86.
Post # 21
Member
8373 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

I’m child-free by circumstance and not by choice, but I do now have older stepchildren and, through them, I also have grandchildren. I enjoy them tremendously. I also am an aunt — a role that I cherish. 

I have college friends who were CFBC, because they did not want to have anything to do with having babies or raising small children. However, they did not rule out the idea of one day adopting older children. Years later, they adopted two siblings who, as I recall, were about 11 and 17 at the time of the adoption. My friends now have a large family with a number of grandchildren.

I just wanted to share that story for those of you who mentioned having some hurts associated with your decision as it relates to the future, just in case it may be helpful to anyone on this thread.

Post # 23
Member
713 posts
Busy bee

I can’t think of any regrets … but I can think of a couple downfalls/downsides to the CFBC life.

1.)  Our society (at least in America, anyway) is so child-centric and caters so incredibly to children and parenting, that by choosing not to be a parent you are basically choosing not to be involved in the biggest part of most people’s lives.  Once your friends have babies, that’s it.  They’ll say they will stay in touch, but unless you have a Little Johnny available for playdates (or you’re willing to babysit for free while they go out and have fun), forget it.  This is why having a strong CFBC community/support group is so important.

::cough:: We need our own space on WeddingBee!  ::cough::  Tee hee!

2.)  This one sorta ties into No. 1, but by being CFBC, we can never have that special bond with our family members/relatives who do have kids.  It’s like a freaking club (and I *hate* so-called clubs).  I was invited, sure, I just didn’t want to join.  And to some, that’s not cool.  And for me, it means no perks of said club – even if the only perk is camaraderie.

3.)  As someone else already mentioned, I do feel slightly bad for my parents.  My brother is a rebel and won’t ever get married, let alone have kids, so I was literally their “last hope” for continuing the family.  No seriously.  People have said this to me.  I don’t think my Dad really cares all that much (if he even knows I’m CFBC – Mom does, though), but I know my Mom is saddened by this (or at least she was when I told her what my husband and I had decided).

So, again, these are *not* regrets, just downfalls to being CFBC that I see echoed in my own life.  But hey, everything (even parenting – gasp!) has downsides, so I don’t dwell on it.  😛

Post # 24
Member
5521 posts
Bee Keeper

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MissesAwesome:  I really think that when it comes to losing contact with friends, that really depends on your friends. I don’t know whether it’s a cultural thing, but in the UK, for the most part most parents lives don’t revolve around their children, and they still maintain healthy social lives with other adults (without their kids) when kids enter the picture. Three of our close friends have children under 5, and we still socialise with them often without their children. They enjoy the time away from them. It really hasn’t affected how much we see them. 

I also remember that when my brother and I and our friends were little our parents thought nothing of hiring a sitter and having time with their friends. Yes, there were plenty of ‘family friendly’ events too, but they had a pretty healthy and active social life aways from us kids. So it can be done, it just depends on the individual. 

  • This reply was modified 5 years, 8 months ago by barbie86.
Post # 25
Member
713 posts
Busy bee

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barbie86:  The UK sounds fantastic!  LOL  That’s most certainly not how things are typically here in the US … well, at least not the part of the US I live in, anyway.

And I agree, it does depend on the friends(s) who have the children, whether the freindship lasts or not.  I’m just jaded overal in this area of being CFBC because of how I’ve been treated in the past by mommy friends – even before I was CFBC, when I was simply just not a mom.  I’ve discussed this before with my Mom in hopes of getting some comfort or at least some solid advice … but I was always made to feel as if I was being selfish because of course their lives will change once they have kids and I can’t expect to see them on a regular basis anymore.  Well, yeah, I know I’m not their priority and I don’t want to be and shouldn’t be, but if we had a good friendship, then they should at least try to meet me halfway.  Even if halfway is only a 5 minute conversation on the phone or hell, just returning a text message in less than a week.  But no, not so much.

People … scratch that … *women* here just get so consumed with parenting that it becomes their new identity.  They’re no longer Cassandra, friend, wife, mother, educated woman, and professional. Now they’re just Cassandra, mother, baby this baby that, Too Much Information about what Little Johnny did, Too Much Information about breastfeeding, etc.  It’s sad.

However, I do know that some are perfectly capable of maintaining healthy friendships with non-parent friends even after having several kids, and without sacrificing being quality parents.  I think that’s great for them and I envy their friends.  I guess I’ve just been dealt the short end of the stick.

Post # 26
Member
3078 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Nothing.  I have a niece and nephew I adore – that’s enough for me.

I have always inherently known that having children wouldn’t be the right choice for me.

Post # 27
Member
352 posts
Helper bee

There’s nothing I regret about my decision. It feels absolutely right for me- I feel very lucky in that it was such an easy and natural choice for me to make. I can imagine that it might be very difficult for people who feel conflicted, though.

Post # 28
Member
1149 posts
Bumble bee

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Brielle:  Thank you for sharing. I’m with the OP on being so short sighted. Although I strongly dislike the baby/toddler phase, I would love to have a teenager and older kids (am I crazy? Lol) Someone to share interests with and whatnot. I would actually consider adopting an older child but my husband would probably not be okay with that. 

Post # 29
Member
1149 posts
Bumble bee

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barbie86:  This definitely must be a European thing! I’ve been interested in reading a book about French parenting (even tho I am CFBC). In America, the culture is very kid/child worship based, whereas it seems European parents make kids fit into their adult lives as opposed to parents catering to the kids. 

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