(Closed) CFBC: What was your "ah-ha" moment?

posted 6 years ago in No Kids
Post # 31
Member
1700 posts
Bumble bee

Right before I turned 40, I started doing the math…then I started thinking about all the people I know with kids that have various problems…then I thought of all the people I knew whose grown kids still live at home…then I thought of all the people I knew whose kids are assholes…those factors alone made the prospect of having kids really unappealing…

 

Post # 32
Member
772 posts
Busy bee

I have never been sold on the idea of having biological children. Even as a teenager, when I had tremendously bad cramps, I quite sincerely wanted a hysterectomy. (Obviously no one would let me do it hah.) Little kids are cute and all, but I am awkward around them, and even once I am no longer awkward and they are adorable little giggly balls in my arms, I still don’t want to take it home with me. “Here you go Mom, you can have it back now!” Classic fence-sitter I think. It wouldn’t be horrible, I think I would actually make a good parent, but I have never had any real desire for it and, at almost 32, the only thing my biological clock is saying is “You need to move up in your career” and “It’s time to start training to climb that mountain (literally).”

What pushed me into CFBC territory though was meeting my now-husband. He had a child from a previous relationship that went horribly and he has always been adamant about not doing it again. In some ways it hurt to have the decision taken away from me, but he was honest with me from the start that he didn’t want kids. There was just a day when I decided I wanted him more than a kid. Truly. There is still some grief over that (like I said, I would be a good mom ) but I don’t regret choosing him instead of some other life where I have a bunch of kids. I am happier and my marriage is stronger I believe because we aren’t doing all that. It gives us the energy and resources to be an awesome aunt/uncle and to accomplish a lot of other things in life that are important to us.

This got to be too long. So glad to have other people out here to talk to! 

Post # 33
Member
436 posts
Helper bee

Dating and living with a man with 2 kids for 2 years.  Great dad, great kids…. I’m not a great mom.

Post # 34
Member
202 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

Like other women, I never liked the idea of being a mom or being responsible for another human’s health, happiness, and quality of life. I am selfish, but I am not ashamed. I like being alone. I like dancing around the house, painting, making things, taking classes, laying in bed all morning on the weekends, cursing like a sailor, painting my nails uninterrupted, devoting a chunk of my time to my husband, silence, and doing whatever I want whenever I want. I truly could go on.

Now that more of my friends are having children, it just reinforces that I am making the perfect decision for myself. I am very happy for them, but in my mind I wonder “Why would you do this??? How did you come to the conclusion that you wanted to be responsible for a LIFE?” A human! How do people decide that they are together enough to support a human??

But, the biggest factor (but not the only one — just the one that confirmed everything for me) is that I have metal illnesses. There are long periods of time (weeks-months) that I can’t get out of bed. I can’t eat. I can’t shower without help. Other times, I am psychotic and delusional. My husband has to take care of me during these times. And I always think that if we had children, he would essentially be a single parent to a child and his adult wife who can’t get it together for herself sometimes. No, no, no.

My husband grew up wanting children, but I told him that he would not have children if he were to stay with me. It was an ongoing discussion and I even brought it up during our engagement because I wanted him to really think about a life with me, as it meant a life without children. He decided that being with me is more important to him than having children. 

  • This reply was modified 5 years, 6 months ago by BitterGlitter.
Post # 35
Member
5145 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2010

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BitterGlitter:  “I never liked the idea of being a mom or being responsible for another human’s health, happiness, and quality of life. I am selfish, but I am not ashamed. I like being alone. I like dancing around the house, painting, making things, taking classes, laying in bed all morning on the weekends, cursing like a sailor, painting my nails uninterrupted, devoting a chunk of my time to my husband, silence, and doing whatever I want whenever I want. I truly could go on.” 

So. Very. Cosigned. Even aside from Netflix marathons of child unfriendly shows, I like being able to come and go, work late if I need to, run to the store for ice cream without having to bundle up kids or without using it as a reason to escape (I have friends who go grocery shopping just to get some “quiet time” from their kids!), deciding on a Thursday to go away with husband for a weekend, going to the gym before work or after work or whenever I want to, spending an entire weekend or holiday involved in our child unfriendly hobby (scuba diving). I like being able to read, or colour, or paint in peace (aside from the cat walking across the book or paper), to eat when (and whatever) I want..it goes on and on. Also not ashamed! I only get one life, and I will live it as I choose.

 

Post # 36
Member
964 posts
Busy bee

Like most little girls, I always assumed that someday I’d get married and eventually have kids.  Just because that’s what people do, right?  I never even knew there was another path, to be quite honest.

But after going through a lot of self-inflicted pressure to have kids sooner-than-later about a year and some months into our marriage (so that my older parents could actually enjoy being grandparents) … and after freaking out about not having any friends who would qualify as Godparents for our potential kids … my husband finally joked, “What if we just don’t have any kids?”  We both laughed, but it was actually a great thought.  I then teetered on the fence for a bit and spent many more sleepless nights mulling over the topic some more.  But eventually we both decided that the childfree life was exactly what we wanted and needed!

We’ve been CFBC for just under a year (Spring 2015) and it’s been great so far.  The list of reasons for being childfree sometimes gets longer and somtimes shorter, depending on our mood and the situation we’re currently in, but it’s always been the right fit for us.  🙂

Post # 37
Member
244 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2017

A lot of these posts are really resonating with me!

I thought I would have kids – even wanted them – when I was younger. I, too, had an unplanned pregnancy at 20, but planned to keep it and (due to a religious upbringing) hadn’t even considered that there was any other viable option. To this day, I am so grateful that my then-boyfriend’s mom spoke to me about it one night, explained what she’d gone through when my then-BF was a baby/child and all the many surgeries he’d had because of his genetic disorder, and that she had terminated when she got pregnant again after him. She didn’t try to make me feel I had to do this, but made it clear that it was a viable option – and a kind one. I ended up taking her advice, and I did feel sad about it on and off for a while, but never doubted it was the right decision.

I still thought I’d have kids eventually, though. I got married to a man at 27, and we wanted kids but planned to wait until we were able to buy a house. And then we fought constantly and divorced 3 years later, and I was SO glad we hadn’t had kids.

I had discovered my attraction to women near the end of that marriage, and after the split I began dating them and then realized I was no longer interested in men. I still thought I’d have kids. I had a Girlfriend who turned out to be paranoid schizophrenic and addicted to opiates. Then I was with a wonderful woman who had three daughters, and I loved them all but didn’t LIKE the oldest, and was also able to go back home whenever I needed a break from them. Then she broke my heart and left me.

I started dating my current partner when I was 35, and told her a few months in that having a child was something I wanted to do in my life. My bio clock was kicking in big time at that point. She, at 31, was wishy-washy about it – it wasn’t a deal-breaker for her, but it wasn’t on her radar at the time.

And then I took a Human Development course in college, and learned about all the terrible risks to both mother and child (things like postpartum depression/psychosis, etc.). And I reconnected with a younger cousin who had two, and told me about the horrible nightmares she has every single night about every possible terrible thing happening to her kids. (I already had those types of dreams about my pet birds.)

Then, my Girlfriend and I adopted a 5-month-old puppy from the shelter. And she was a good dog, as puppies go, but I discovered that I had a terrible temper with her when she wasn’t doing what I wanted her to do. I’d start screaming at her, and this would make her more afraid to do anything, and I’m ashamed to say I even spanked her. I became this entirely different person. I’m sure it’s related to the way my step-dad was when I was a kid. And wow – I knew I would never want to risk doing that to a human child.

I’ve worked on and mostly conquered my temper with our dog, especially since she’s much more likely to obey when I sweet-talk her and/or offer treats. But she, and my birds, are able to be left alone at home in a cage when needed, and I can get just about all the alone time I want and still take good care of them. And there are times when I have a hard enough time taking care of just myself, and at those times I know I’d end up either neglecting or resenting a child – both of which are horrible things.

In the last year or so, my then-GF, now-FI, who is now 35, has occasionally said things half-jokingly about having kids. And I’ve told her about the things I learned in that class, and what hard work it is, and how easy it is to screw the kid up, and that I’m 40 and already have a hard time getting enough sleep and dealing with my neck and back issues WITHOUT having a kid, etc., etc. She has some adorable young nephews and nieces, and mainly gets to see them only for the happy and fun times, and I think her bio clock is ticking louder, too. So, I suggested that she have her two little sibling-nephews, who are 2 and 6, come up to stay at our place for a week, and I’d go stay at my friend’s place, and if she still wanted a kid after that, we’d talk (though I definitely would not carry a child).

She has yet to make any moves toward inviting the nephews over.

I honestly think we have the best of both worlds with being aunts. I do like kids in general, like helping them learn, etc., so we get to visit the nieces and nephews when we want to, and leave when we want to. ‘Tis a wonderful thing.

Post # 38
Member
1104 posts
Bumble bee

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jadoremode:  i knew since i was a kid. i just never had that gene or whatever it is. i still ooh and ahh over kitties, puppies, horses, goats, chickens, etc. and i even disgustingly baby talk my cat, but when i see a baby it’s just kinda…eh? nada. 

Post # 39
Member
1773 posts
Buzzing bee

i don’t like kids. I used to say I would adopt when I was little. I didn’t want to be pregnant and I’ve never liked babies. I had to have kids though, right?

I think there was a point when I was a young teenager where I realized not having kids was a possibility. I told a boyfriend at 16 I didn’t want any. I wasn’t sold on it entirely then but it kept growing over the years and by my early 20s I was sure. I’m still sure! I hate babies! 

I’m really excited, in the last year or two I’ve met so many people who don’t like or want kids. It’s really exciting to not be the only one! They are all awesome people too! Super smart, strong and nice.

Post # 41
Member
1000 posts
Bumble bee

When I was four years old, I watched my mother give birth to my younger sister.  It was a home birth, and her episiotomy from when she had me tore back open.  There was lots of blood, lots of screaming, lots of swearing. 

I decided right then and there that I was never doing that crazy shit.

Post # 42
Member
964 posts
Busy bee

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Polyphemus:  Yep.  That’d do it for me, too.  ::cringes::

Post # 43
Member
2374 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

My ah-ha moment was miserable. I was in a relationship with a great guy, and we were talking marriage. He wanted children someday, and that meant a lot to him. I had never even considered kids, and I TRIED to want them. I hung out with my friends who had nice, well behaved babies and kids. All I ever felt was dread and a pit in my stomach when I tried to think of a life with kids. And that was when I truly knew. Up until that point, it was always a lack of interest and an assumption that I’d just never have them, but it wasn’t an active decision until that point. 

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