(Closed) CHANGE – changing habits…

posted 8 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
1091 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2018 - Oakland Manor

For us, reading the 5 love languages really helped us change a few ahbits. It became less about MY behaviour or HIS behaviour and more about wantign to express our love for the other person. Changing is tough though πŸ™ I’d have preferred to have been born perfect!

Post # 4
Hostess
18643 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

The main thing I have to do is to stop bugging my husband so much.  I’m sort of needy at times and want lots of attention lol.

Post # 5
Member
1104 posts
Bumble bee

My Darling Husband is an only child who has only ever lived with 1 other person at most (i.e. he was never in a group house or lived with anyone except his parents or girlfriends). I grew up with 2 sisters and lived in a group house before I moved in with him. He isn’t used to things that I find normal, having shared a house with people – things like, being woken up by someone coming home late (not necessarily because they’re noisy, just because they’re coming home), finding something has moved from its place, people borrowing your stuff occasionally, etc. I think he’s found it hard to get used to, but he’s much better now especially at recognising that it’s not a deliberate thing. I can be thoughtless – he has to remind me to close the windows so we don’t waste AC and stuff like that. I think we’re both better but we’ll probably never be exactly how the other wants – which is ok bc no one is perfect and it would be boring to be the same person all the time πŸ™‚

When I moved in with Darling Husband my mother told me to pick my battles. Some things are worth arguing over, other things are not. Does your FH really think the dishes are worth these fights? As long as you’re not growing your own ecosystem in the kitchen it doesn’t sound like a big deal to me. Do you have a dishwasher? Maybe it’s time to invest πŸ™‚

Post # 7
Member
1091 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2018 - Oakland Manor

I didn’t think Mr.D would either, but I said it was important to me and he saw how my behaviour changed after I read it – so he read it too! πŸ™‚

Post # 8
Member
14186 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

Some things are not gonna change–they are the way I am. And vice versa. We try to give a little, though. Mostly try not to let the way “someone else” does things. 

Tonight he asked me NOT to take the towel off the oven rack and use it to wipe the counter down.

Whaaaat? That’s a new one for me. that’s why it’s there, in my head! But i’ll try.

“important” habits? I can’t think of any, but we are both kinda “let it go” sort of people.

It is very strange totally livimg with another person tho. I thijk giving up “my” tv time has been the hardest =]

Post # 9
Member
5823 posts
Bee Keeper

I found out that I am a carbon copy of my nagging mother.  I have really been working on not telling him how to drive or how to get where we’re going.  I don’t think I’m compromising who I am, I think that I’m a better person because of him.

Post # 13
Member
3125 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

@junebride – I definitely think that love language book works. I would say that we have the same issues with him being more neat and me less neat.  I grew up that way – my parents are packrats (though I will give my dad credit, he’s a very organized packrat, with labels and directories! it’s hilarious, even Darling Husband says so). It’s been an adjustment for us both living together, but we read that book and both try our best to listen to its advice.  Some of the day to day stuff may not get praise (like emptying the dishwasher and cleaning the kitchen – that’s what I do when i get home from work b4 he does), but when I really get cleaning, he is never short on compliments and thank yous. I cleaned the garage out completely on Sunday – you would have thought I brought him a lobster dinner in a mercedes.  It was great! If your hubby reads the book and you guys talk about it, I believe wholeheartedly that not only will you enjoy cleaning more, but he’ll be more thankful and loving also.

Post # 15
Member
806 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I’m glad your talk was productive. Here’s something to consider, if chores continue to be an issue… Living together for over 2 years now, one thing that’s worked for us is each of us having our “own” chores.  He was more particular about how & when dishes get done, so now that’s his job.  I do laundry since I care more about proper sorting of lights and darks.  We can each “help” and do the other one’s chores occasionally if we feel like being nice, but it’s not expected.  This way neither of us feels forced to change our ways or do something to the other’s standard, and there are no chore fights. 

Sometimes sharing every duty 50/50 is not the way to go, especially for two people who are fairly set in their ways, because it requires a ton of negotiation (fights) if you two don’t have exactly the same standard and way of doing it.

Post # 16
Member
3576 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Oh boy.  You guys are just like us.  BUT…it’s reversed.  I’m like your man and you are like mine.

I’m a neat freak.  I can’t help it.  The kitchen of all rooms in our house must be clean for me or I have an internal issue.  But I’ve recognized that it’s MY issue and I struggle in dealing with it when he doesn’t clean up after himself.  Or if he says he’ll get the dishes and there they are 3 days later, still not cleaned or put in the dishwasher.

Remember the show Friends?  I will never ever forget the one episode when Monica and Chandler are living together (not sure if married yet) where he was freaking out because the apt wasn’t tidy/neat enough for her.  But she told him that it’s her issue, not his and that because it’s her issue, she doesn’t expect him to be like her.

I try very hard to carry that philosophy but I can’t also live like a slob.  Whenever my Fiance says he’ll do the dishes…sometimes I just do them because I know he’ll get to them hours later OR, I will leave them because I don’t want him to think I’m ALWAYS going to do them.  He needs to know that it only takes 5 seconds to put your dirty plate and silverware in the dishwasher which is located directly under the counter where he put his plate.

It’s hard to live with someone when they relate differently to things that are important to you…but maybe not to them.  And vice versa. 

And as for the praise and recognition of when he does do the dishes (without me asking)…only here and there do I do that.  I do the dishes every day amongst a lot of the other house hold chores and I never hear the praise.

 

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