change of plans :(

posted 2 years ago in Waiting
Post # 31
Member
33 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2016

Ohmygosh Bee…I can’t believe it either. That is so awful and I’m so sorry you’re going through that. I completely agree with all of the other posters here…it’s really cruel of him.

I don’t need to repeat what everyone else has already said…but I did notice that no one has pointed out that your life doesn’t start when you buy a house. To have that be an excuse to put off getting married really says a lot about his commitment and priorities.

I’m sorry, but there’s no reason that you can’t live in an apartment and still save for a home if you don’t live outside your means. Generations of people have lived in small apartments and scrimped and saved to get into a house AFTER they were married. My parents and grandparents have always said that the first couple years of marriage when you’re going from living under your parents roof to establishing your own life aren’t always the most glamourous, but I’m betting they’re some of the most memorable.

My husband and I are living together in a small apartment, even though we could technically afford a much larger place, because we are saving as much as we possibly can to buy a house as soon as possible. We live in an area where housing (both rents and house prices) is astronomical, so we know it will take a couple years. However, at the end of the day, we don’t care because we’re living together as husband and wife. To us, everything on top of that is “just gravy” and an adventure that we’re having together.

If his priority isn’t becoming your husband first and foremost, I think it’s time to take a really good look at what your own priorities are.

 

Post # 32
Member
640 posts
Busy bee

piglet0422 :  I dont really have an advice or encouragement because I dont really know the dynamic of your relationship other than this. 

But, I just wanted to say…. IM SORRY. This sucks. Like really sucks.

I would do some soul searching and figure out what you really want in life if I were you. 

Post # 33
Member
443 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2018

All I can say is that sometimes planning too much or trying to make sure everything is absolutely perfect doesn’t always work out. I think its sad that you’re ready for marriage and he seems to be stalling, I also think that its so unfair on you that he got your hopes up knowing this is what you want and then snatches it away from you. Though does being engaged change anything for you two? Like my fiance and I started planning our wedding etc before we were ever officially engaged or he’d given me a ring. I think the most important thing is that you two are eventually going to be married whether it means getting engaged now or in a years time. 

Post # 34
Member
3042 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2008

I want you to know that you do have a choice. You always have choices. Don’t let him make you believe that you don’t!

You can say, as I did, that you do not feel comfortable combining finances, buying joint property, or making babies without a legally binding contract in place to protect both of you, so he’s not getting your help with homeownership unless you marry first. See how he responds to that. 

You can say, as I did, that a marriage license costs $80 and you’d be happy with a court house marriage and plain 14K gold bands at this point (even though I was lying… I really wanted a diamond ring! But getting married was more important so I was willing to sacrifice my wants to get my needs). See how he responds to that. 

You can also let him know, as I did, that his actions are legitimately hurting you and starting to make you feel resentment. You’re beginning to think that you aren’t on the same page and maybe just want different things out of life. See how he responds to that. 

I don’t believe in ultimatums, so I set an internal walk date and started making plans behind his back to move out. Even had a passive aggressive note planned out thanking him for ___ years of memories, telling him that he deserves to find someone worth marrying, and wishing him well in his future. You can do this, too! 

He did propose 4 months before my internal walk date. Who knows, your man might too. And if he doesn’t, well, you’re still young so you can find someone who will. 

Post # 35
Member
1107 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

piglet0422 :  Can you give this an update? I feel awful for you.

Post # 36
Member
56 posts
Worker bee

That is very cruel to behave that way. I wouldn’t be able to take that. If you’d been together for a few months then I could understand but after 8 years that’s just unkind and not acceptable. 

Post # 37
Member
5978 posts
Bee Keeper

tiffanybruiser :  “Whatever you do, do NOT buy a house with this mofo unless he actually proposes and agrees to set a firm wedding date.”

I wish I could sticky this comment to the top of the waiting board in huge font bold glitter. 

piglet0422 :  It was his idea to go ring shopping and then he cancelled the ring you loved without discussing this with you and said he felt pressured? That’s some special mindfuckery right there. I would be beyond hurt and beyond pissed in your shoes Bee.

First off- you were both living at your respective parents’ homes when he took you ring shopping, so using this as an excuse now is bullshit. Plenty of people get engaged before they live together and actually, if you’re still living with your parents, wouldn’t that make is easier to save for a wedding than if you had all the expenses of home ownership? 

Secondly- why does he get to make all the decisions. ITA with other Bees that it was cruel of him to return your ring without so much as a discussion about it. Wtf? You should be making decisions as partners. 

And thirdly- he feels pressured ?! Poor fragile baby. What kind of pressure does he think he’s put YOU under, throwing your future into uncertainty, hurting you with his b.s. fickleness. unilaterally dictating what order HE wants things done in- even if he changes his mind on the order without warning. 

I know him taking back the ring is so hurtful and confusing Bee, but I’m also concerned as to what this says about him as a partner/ future husband. Do you want to be married to someone who makes and cancels decisions on a whim without consulting you? Do you want to be married to someone who assumes he can call the shots, change the rules, and you’ll just be along for the ride? Do you want to be with someone who doesn’t realize the cruelty of his own actions and how they affect you? 

I think you deserve far better than this Bee 🙁 

Post # 38
Member
19 posts
Newbee

sassy411 :  Yes I can agree with that. And obviously when I meant asap – I meant when its right and usually after knowing each other the standard year or so. Don’t marry a guy on a whim obviously! lol I’ve heard a few horror stories about guys who are looking for a green card in that case! XD

Post # 39
Member
8770 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

piglet0422 :  “I understand the importance of having a place of our own first” — What is the importance? Can you help me understand please? Because I don’t get why this would be a requirement.

Post # 40
Member
469 posts
Helper bee

piglet0422 :  No. That was completely horrible what he did to you. You are not being irrational at all. I don’t think I’d be able to hold it together at all if someone did that to me 😕. Sorry, but that was really, really sh!tty of him. 

Post # 41
Member
910 posts
Busy bee

He feels pressured after EIGHT years? Hell to the friggin no bee. Please do not buy a house with this guy. 

Go find someone who has no doubts and can’t wait to marry you. 

Post # 42
Member
434 posts
Helper bee

piglet0422 :  Pls do not buy a house before getting married with this guy. That was cruel. I have no idea what is the relationship between having a place and getting engaged. To me it sounds like he is not sure about being together. Just like he said what he wants, why are you scared to tell him what you want. Tel him exactly what you want/need and see if there is a middle ground else its time to move on.

Post # 43
Member
2472 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 1995

Um when did men start puting the carriage before the horse?

Love, Marriage, then house/kids or kids/house

A breakup with shared property ownership outside of marriage could get very messy

 

AND HOW CRUEL! A man should know his mind and priorities before he offers a ring! 

Post # 45
Member
331 posts
Helper bee

EDIT: Nevermind, I’m silly and didn’t realize this was from so long ago! Glad you are happy now!

Haven’t read any updates, but I would be so upset if this happened to me. Also, I feel like buying a place is usually something you do *after* getting married? People get married in all kinds of financial situations, so that feels like an excuse.

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