(Closed) Changed fiance

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 16
Member
767 posts
Busy bee

IMO I think you should not marry him.

Sounds like no matter where he is his drinking is causing a problem. I just had to walk away from a cousin that has been back and forth with a drinking problem for 20 years now. sometimes he’s quit drinking, realizes how foolish it was and he’s sober. Then I woudn’t hear from him for the longest time, and he’s back to ‘yes I’m a alchoholic but I have it under control, there’s no reason for me to quit drinking…..if people are going to be negative about my choices then I don’t need them in my life’ – he would act to me in many ways like your Fiance seems to.  Ignorning me for a long time, sending texts that made no sense or were mean than accuse me of making things up because he didn’t remember.

Last time I saw him, we met at a restaurant and he drank 5 pints of beer and I asked him to stop so we could have a good visit and converstaion, and he just said no. That doesn’t account for all he probably drank before I got there and after I left. 

  my plan is that unless I have solid reason to believe he’s in a legitimate substance program, I don’t want any more of his behavior in my life. The ironic twist? Twice I’ve texted him to call me so I can discuss this with him, we set up a time for him to call and he doesn’t do it….he either doesn’t remember setting it up or I get some cocky response that he’s too busy…then later doesn’t remember saying that either. So in short, far as I can tell he can’t stay sober long enough for me to even tell him! sheesh.

your guy may be going through a hard time, and he may be a wonderful man, but you don’t have to put up with all this and I don’t want you to be like me. Wait 20 years for someone you love and care about to finally get sober and STAY sober! Good luck, but put your well being first.

Post # 17
Member
219 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

You are making the biggest mistake of your life if you marry him so please do not marry him!

Post # 18
Member
275 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

I agree with others that you shouldn’t marry him. If you can’t end it cold turkey, you could try a wake up call or come to Jesus discussion. By this I mean tell him you want to postpone the wedding because your relationship isn’t going well and tell him his behavoir has to change. Be cautious though because he may just change temporarily to hook you back in and then change again after marriage. One thing I do know though, bad behavoir tends to get worse over time. It’s like how you said he was a little uncommunicative in the beginning and now it’s devolved to this. They desensitize you over time. For example, if he had treated you this way in the beginning you would have left him, but now you are desensitized to his behavior so you don’t think it’s bad enough to leave.

This will increase over time. It’s how abuse works. They don’t punch you in the face the first month you are with them. By the time they hit you for the first time you are already conditioned not to leave because you’ve been beat down emotionally and had your self esteem lowered slowly over time. Google the cycle of abuse and learn about it.   

Post # 19
Member
1902 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

tryingthisout:)marie :  Grief manifests itself in many ways. Some are angry, some retreat into their homes, some party like its 1999. However, none of this gives him the right to treat you like dirt. I lost my mom at 19, and I was sad, and mad. But, I never had the right to treat people poorly just because my mom died. Leave him. Now. Run, far far away. This is just a preview of what is to come. He is showing his true colors.

Post # 20
Member
204 posts
Helper bee

I may be in the minority, but I don’t think it should all end due to his recent distructive behavior. I do agree with PP’s that you should NOT marry him now, and postpone the wedding. He is in grief and needs counseling. I would not let him back home and re-iterate that you will let him back once he gets help and shows improvement on how he talks to you. He needs a push to work on himself, he’s being self-destructive. And in the meantime he needs to work on himself before you can determine if you can go back to what you had. That timeline is yours to figure out. How long are you willing to wait to see if he takes you seriously? 6 months? A year? If after that timeline he is not making any progress towards adressing his grief in a non-destructive manner, then I would begin the process of cancelling the wedding indefinetly and moving on with my life for the sake of your family. If this is recent behavior and not a pattern of behavior over the course of your relationship, i’d be willing to give him a chance to see that he could potentially lose his family over his course of actions. Good luck bee!!

Post # 21
Member
1384 posts
Bumble bee

Do you really want to marry this person? Do you want to have this kind of disrespect from him thoughout your marriage?  He needs to see a counsellor to work out his issues. Don’t expect he will change after marriage and be nicer to you.  A person that loves you and respects you will treat you with love and respect, even if they’ve lost a significant person in their life.  That is no fault of yours and you don’t need to be the person he takes his anger and rudeness out on.  Only you can make your decision about leaving or staying with him, but you also have a child to think about.  I would not want my child to grow up with this much animosity between his/her parents and see it day in and day out.  It’s very unhealthy for all of you to live like this.

Post # 22
Member
217 posts
Helper bee

He sounds depressed and like he’s falling down the rabbit hole of alcoholism. Anger and excessive drinking are all symptoms of depression in men, which manifest very differently than they do in women. Now, I’m not telling you whether to stay with him or not, but if you love this man, you need to get him some help.

 

PS- It sounds like you’re already doing a good job of enforcing boundaries with him by not letting him back in your home for now. Stay strong! 

Post # 23
Member
9568 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2016

Don’t marry him, at least not yet. 

Losing one’s mother is incredibly destabilizing, and it sounds like he wasn’t the most emotionally stable to begin with.  I pity him for that, truly.

But, you are not a punching bag.  You deserve someone who makes your life better, not (much!) worse.  

If you choose to leave him, I will say “good choice”.  If you choose to stay with him and help him help himself (encourage him to see a therapist, be a pillar of support while he gets his shit together, provide him with the tough love he needs, etc..) and then re-evaluate marrying him once he’s become a person who is worthy of being your life partner, I’ll also say “good choice”.  If, however, you choose to pretend he’ll magically get better and start treating you the way you deserve to be treated and marry him as-is….  bad choice babe, bad choice.

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