Post # 1
During their wedding planning stage, has anyone else experienced a change in their relationship with, or knowledge about, immediate family members?
For instance I feel closer to my Dad now. He is a quite logical and practical when discussing wedding decisions, but recognises that I’m only going to get married once and that FI and I should have what we want and not what other people want. Dad, FI and I are all engineers, so I guess that’s why! My Mum on the other hand tends to take a long time debating pros and cons of each option (often the cost is the main factor, even when they’re not paying for it), she is quite opinionated, and always compares what my FI and I want in our wedding to what other people had in their weddings that she’s attended.
Post # 2
copperbird90: Your relationships should not change due to a party. You are making your wedding a way bigger deal than it is if this was a serious post. Just do what you want and don’t equate someone not agreeing with you on wedding shit as the end of the world
Post # 3
Boxerlover24: I respectfully disagree that relationships shouldn’t change during the wedding planning process. Relationships are a constantly changing thing, and something like a wedding means more discussions between family members (generally things you have not discussed before, like opinions on flowers, logistics, etc.). I was more referring to the fact that, due to this, you tend to find out more things about your family that you didn’t know before (i.e. their thought processes, personality traits that you’ve only just noticed). I was not suggesting that somehow I have fallen out with them or anything, or that they should always agree with me.
Post # 4
I found that my wedding brought out the worst in everyone. MIL in particular turned into a wild beast as it got closer. So yes, my family relationships changed drastically during my engagement. Thankfully everyone calmed down afterwards, and now my relationship with my family (not so much with my in laws) is better than ever!
Post # 5
Yes, relationships did change.
My sister: while I was planning a wedding, her marriage was falling apart. It caused her to behave strangely, stirring up trouble with my mother and being controlling or judgemental. I was furious with her for quite a while but I can now reflect that it must have been very difficult for her. However, since that experience made me realise we weren’t as close as I thought we were, it has changed our relationship forever. It was not so much the wedding, but the fact the wedding unmasked these issues we had.
My mother: went in the opposite direction! Once we were married, she was totally stoked. She calls my husband ‘son’ in her native language, he addresses her as ‘mum’ in the same vein, and she teaches him to cook her specialty meals. She is hanging out with his parents and all sorts of fun stuff. I have never seen her so happy.
Post # 6
copperbird90: I had a similar change in my relationship with both mum and dad and very much in the way you described too (eg I’ll never forget mum pulling out 7 other invites and measuring them and telling us what paper they were and how ours had to look!). And I definitely became closer to dad – and in fact started to regret not making more of an effort with him in the past, because he was great with practical stuff, and often a voice of reason.
Sadly though, by the time we got to the last few weeks all the actions of my mother in particular had lead me towards recognising that I really would have to distance herself from her for my own sanity – to my psychologist’s great relief as she’d been trying to get me to that point for over a year. I hadn’t been able to see the wood for the trees and had forever been living in hope that she’d change. The last couple of weeks removed any hope I had that things had changed. Long, long story.
And I totally agree with your reply that it’s only natural that relationships change with this sort of event – and honestly I want to snap the neck of people who claim that it a “just a party” or even worse a “pretty princess day”. For some people, sure. But it’s the worst sort of generalisation. For me, it was a once in a lifetime chance to affirm my love and commitment to DH in front of family and friends. Certainly not an average party. That doesn’t mean you have to sink a lot of money into it and I wish we had done something smaller. For my parents it was a chance to show off & led to them trying to keep up with the standards of past weddings and bulldozering my & FH’s opinions – it was their obliviousness to the lack of respect they were showing us & our vendors that really hurt. So much changed in 18 months we were planning and there was so much we’d have done differently in hindsight. Don’t get me wrong, it was an awesome night, but whether it was worth all the stress leading up to it is another story….
Post # 7
I definitely noticed some changes in relationships with my parents and future in-laws, but I think it is the engagement/pending marriage to credit rather than the actual wedding or wedding planning process. My mom really embraced the idea of FI and I being together forever, and even though he was always included before, he is not “just my boyfriend” to anyone on my side of the family anymore. My dad acts exactly the same (which is great, because he was always great about everything before haha). FI’s parents, on the other hand, finally showed their true colors, and as you can see from my previous posts, I think it is going to be a long time before FI and his parents reconcile. I doubt that they will ever have a close relationship, but I don’t believe they ever did. When they realized they couldn’t control when he decided to get married, they realized that they were losing a lot of their control over his life in general, so that part has been tough to deal with.
Post # 8
Well let’s see:
My mom and I have always been close but she’s starting to freak out that she’s losing me so she’s becoming a little clingy and struggling with this “husband” concept.
My dad and I have always distant but he’s trying to be closer however our relationship is too damaged to recover.
My sister and I have remained the same.
My ILs, especially my MIL at first tried to control but now she’s just sitting back thanks to my FIs smack down.
Post # 9
copperbird90: weddings certainly do bring out the good and bad in people.
I had some issues with family over my child free wedding (how dare I not want their precious children at my wedding).
My wedding did bring me closer to a few relatives and re-ignited a frienship……
Post # 10
copperbird90: I agree that relationships have changed a little. On the minor level, I feel like people who were more distantly involved in my life the past decade (distant relatives, old family friends) are suddenly very interested in the events to come. For the most part it seems like sincere interest and just them being happy for FI and I, but there are a few relatives who seem to want us to be planning a destination wedding as a party/vacation for their benefit. I find that amusing. As for closer relationships, I feel like there has been a little more distance between my mom and I. She is going through some personal things and I’ve kind of accepted the distance in our relationship before FI and I got engaged. I thought maybe the engagement would put a positive spike in our interactions, but really it hasn’t. I do feel a lot closer to FI and also to my dad. My dad is being extremely rational and also very supportive when I need to vent or throw an idea off someone for a fresh perspective. I am pleasantly surprised because my dad is a laid back outdoorsman, not really someone you’d picture getting into the details of wedding planning. I love it though and I am grateful for the closeness.
Post # 11
- Wedding: March 2014 - A castle
I resented my mom a lot through the planning because she just wasn’t interested in anything I had to say and didn’t want to do anything with me. She actually went to a bridal expo without me and then told me about it the next day. She really hurt my feelings because she was able to plan an entire charity gala for the weekend AFTER my wedding – with catering, 5 bands, alcohol, the works… and it really hurt my feeling because THAT felt like what my WEDDING should have been.. not her charity. I planned my own wedding myself, with no help from her. I try not to hold it against her or resent her for it, but it’s kind of hard not to.
Post # 12
I saw the true colours of an aunt, who use to be my favourite aunt. It was really weird. She lives OOT and came in for EVERY SINGLE wedding in the family to date. Then mine comes around and she can’t make it. Everyone was shocked. I had aunts and uncles all over the place trying to convince her to come and thinking it was weird. It wasn’t money that was an issue. She did come in the end, but it was strange and I lost a lot of respect for her.
Post # 13
Yes. My family and I are completely estranged, so when they didn’t even respond to the fact that i was engaged that was the nail in the coffin, if you will.
my fiance’s family has not even asked about the wedding once in the 6 months now that we have been engaged. I don’t think my MIL has ever seen my ring beyond from a distance on my finger. Nor have my sisters in law.
My fiance and I both knew that they were not going to be as emotionally receptive to our getting married because my fiance had been married before and the women were very connected.
But the women don’t even acknowledge that we are engaged. So yup, wedding planning has exposed some true colors.
My FIL is happy for us though. So that’s nice 🙂 He is just not the wedding planning kind of guy.
Post # 14
It brought out the worst in people. Honestly. I planned a giant wedding i didnt want and everyone still bitched about my decisions. I’m not as close with my MIL now because i have seen that she is calculating and manipulative. My SIL just likes to steal the spotlight and my mom was a bit of a drama queen.
8 months out i still am keeping distance from my in-laws. I am no longer putting all my effort into being closer with them. Our relationship is what it is. I am closer to my parents though, especially my mother now.
Post # 15
copperbird90: I guess for some people….But when I read about people having major issues and fall outs or even being surprised at some behavior, I guess I don’t get it. In my opinion people don’t really do a 180 or change, the wedding is just another platform for them to display annoying or bad behavior
IE like the drunk uncle who shows up and ruins something. he probably did that at christmas too but because its OMG my wedding, its suddenly surprising and a big deal. Know what I mean?
If you MIL is a huge type A PITA, of course she would be the same way during the wedding, KWIM?