Post # 1
Hi! I got married about a month ago and one of my college friends did not come to the wedding. This is not just my freshman year room mate but rather a fairly close friend say like a sorority sister. We still talk.
My question or thoughts right now are, how should I move forward with this relationship?
Two or three months before the wedding we (about 6 sorors) were all talking on a group chat. I innocently asked if everyone was coming to the wedding. They had already gotten a save the date and website info 6 months before the wedding date, but I was gaging about how many of them would be coming/maybe make some logistic plans with people riding together/etc. My friend Lea says…”when is the wedding again, is it this year? I forgot.” At this point I was in countdown mode so I did think it strange for her to forget, when we were in the final stretch! Now people have asked me to refresh their memory many times about the date throughout my planning process so I didn’t truly find it a hard/annoying question to answer. I told her the date. She says “Oh well I don’t know, thats me and my fiance’s anniversary and he may have something planned.” I say “oh okay.” But in my mind I think “how does that really stop you from coming, but whatever.” When invitations were sent out and I waited and waited to her back from several of these friends I kind of started to to get a little miffed at their inconsiderate-ness. I needed to turn in catering numbers, rental numbers, flower orders. All things that hinged on RSVPs. I would get on the groupchat and talke to the girls ocassionally and also remind all of them that I needed my RSVPs back! Not only did I need to turn in numbers, but stationary was not cheap, stamps were not cheap, and it was the least they could do to drop the pre stamped envelope back in the mail so I could get my money’s worth. Lea along with two others said they sent it. By that point it was past the deadline, but whatever. I turned in numbers late. When I finally got her RSVP with a decline I wasn’t surprised. I did not count her or her fiance, because if I hadn’t heard a yes from you I assumed assumed it was a no.
Lea never gave me an excuse as to why she couldn’t come (nor did she have to). By The Way: She didn’t actually do anything for her anniversary the weekend of my wedding. But in the back of my mind I felt like she could have sent a card, text me the day of, or sent a little note with her RSVP saying congratulations sorry she couldn’t make it. She was important enough to me to invite. I just wanted to feel like I was somewhat important to her too.
Now her wedding is coming up in the next couple months. I got her save the date months ago (I promptly put the date in my various calendars as I do with any invite). She lives 6 hours from where my wedding was. I live 8 hours from where her wedding will be. I want to go and see Lea and others from college at the wedding. And even if I can’t go (for unrelated reasons) I still am sending a gift (not of out spite, but because she is my friend and I want to get her something.)
With all of these thoughts/emotions I am having about her and the wedding AND our friendship, it makes me wonder if she gave me and my wedding any thought at all ya know? I don’t plan on addressing the situation with her because then I would seem like a crazy person. But since my wedding I feel like its not fair for me to go around adjusting my expectations and actions while others (Lea and other people on the guest list) get to go on about their business not caring or realizing they were either inconsiderate or did something wrong.
I want friends in my life that appreciate/care for me on the same level that I appreciate/ care for them.
Post # 2
I can see how you would be hurt by her behavior. Flakiness is a friendship deal-breaker to me for the most part. I’ve dropped most of my flaky friends over the years, but I have a couple of college friends who are genuinely nice people and matter to me, so I don’t want to drop them, but that aspect of their personalities really bothers me (and true to form, they haven’t sent their RSVPs in yet even though both of them offhandedly mentioned they will be there). I think you should only put as much work into a friendship as the other person puts in, so I wouldn’t go to Lea’s wedding if I were you and maybe not even send a gift. Yes, it would be a nice thing for you to do and you’d be the bigger person in this scenario, but it’s just wasted effort IMO.
Post # 3
I would be hurt too. If I were in that situation, I think I would make minimal effort – send a card, maybe a smaller gift than you would to other people. I’d make *some* effort since she will likely stay in your social circle, but I would definitely not feel as close to her as I once did.
Post # 4
I understand your situation, but I would probably attend the wedding and be the bigger person like you too. But after that, I would put some distant from her. Or else you’d just end up being hurt when you put more effort into the unbalance friendship than her. With a new chapter ahead, I’d want to start it with true friends who are worth my effort.
Post # 5
- Wedding: November 2009 - New York, NY
I would do what my heart tells me to do, regardless of how it measures with what the other side has done. It has always worked for me to be true to my feelings.
Post # 6
- Wedding: June 2015 - Backyard
“I want friends in my life that appreciate/care for me on the same level that I appreciate/ care for them.”
This is what it ultimately comes down to. If you feel like going and giving a gift, especially if that means you get to go and have fun with other people there, you can do that. But honestly sometimes we just need to let go of people in our life who don’t contribute anything. Even if she was jealous, or whatever caused her to be dismissive of your wedding, that is no excuse and no way to treat a friend. I am learning this right now too, that sometimes it’s better to just let people go than to keep putting time and energy into something you will never get back.
Post # 7
- Wedding: November 2018 - City Hall
You said she didn’t do anything on her anniversary, but for all you know, she did a lot indoors. You really don’t know. I, honestly, wouldn’t go to a friend’s wedding on my anniversary. It’s silly to expect my friends to know my anniversary, so I wouldn’t mention it if they planned something big during it and if they asked I would tell them that it is my anniversary and I’m not going. My anniversary is a big deal to me, yes, even bigger than a friend’s wedding. So perhaps she’s in the same point of view.
If you want to go, go. If not, don’t. But if she didn’t even send a gift, I wouldn’t send one either.
Post # 8
Yes I agree with you. A small part of me wants to purposely be as lets say “absent-minded” as she was to me, send a gift and not waist my money on going to the wedding. But it’s just not in me to really be that way I guess. Even my husband knows its not in my personality to actually see through some of my more petty thoughts!
I think dating anniversaries are important too! For forever that’s all I had to celebrate our relationship. Even now being married i will still place special significance on that day. By The Way I know she didn’t do anything inside either. He lives a couple states away from her and they didn’t actually do anything for their anniversary. Besides her anniversary wasn’t my issue, it was more so that she forgot when my wedding was completely. Her anniversary and my wedding has been on the same date for a year…its crazy to think it only dawned on her at that very moment after all the other times weddings came up. It was very dismissive. Sure she obviously had her wedding on her mind, but I never forgot her date…her save the date is on the refrigerator. And even if money or other logistics were her reasoning, I shouldn’t have had to chase her down to return a RSVP.
I never thought of it that way. If my friend was getting married and I had plans that could easily be changed…I would go to the wedding. We can celebrate ANY time…the next day…next weekend, but that friend will only have that wedding once! And this is coming from a really lovey-dovey person. But I’ve learned to be flexible with special days just because my guy is military and there’s no telling when we’ll celebrate something.
Post # 9
- Wedding: November 2018 - City Hall
If he lives a couple of states away, it doesn’t mean they didn’t do anything. Skype dating is super romantic, but I get it, it’s very very unlikely and if they DID have some cyber date planned, it could have easily been planned before or after your wedding. So she pretty much used it as an excuse to not go. Which seems fishy from a friend. She FORGOT your wedding date completely, which honestly is shitty too.
A wedding only happens once, but to be honest so does an anniversary. You never get your 1st, or 2nd or 3rd anniversary back, and sure it can be changed, but so can a wedding if from the get go the date was known. I know it’s a silly opinion, a wedding costs a lot of money where an anniversary is probably dinner or at the most expensive a vacation. But to be honest, the wedding is important to YOU so it makes sense to YOU for you to say “We can celebrate ANY time…” But an anniversary is important to ME (not gonna say your friend cuz she didn’t do anything on her’s and very likely used it as a shitty excuse to not go) and in my head you could celebrate your wedding any other time lol It’s literally about the point of views and priorities. I know my best friend’s anniversary and I would *never* plan my wedding on that date, not for her, she couldn’t care less, but I just wouldn’t do it. And I know for a fact she wouldn’t do that with me either. Granted, I have a very short list of special days I wouldn’t plan my wedding on. Close family birthdays. My best friend’s and parent’s anniversary. And that’s it. Any other person, I don’t care lol
Perhaps it is my personal experiences that have molded to cherish those dates with a fierce grip. But this is your friend we’re talking about and honestly, it doesn’t sound like her anniversary was the point like you said, she completely forgot the wedding.
I’d expect that from a cousin twice moved or something, but not a sister type friend. Now understanding that, I wouldn’t go OR send a gift! It’s not fair for you to put the effort when she doesn’t. BUT You will probably be making a loud message by not going. If she is selfish (which honestly might sound like it by making a shitty excuse and forgetting), she won’t see it as “You doing what is right for you”, she’ll see you as the shitty friend. So you have the option of going, or not go and send a gift and just stop putting the effort AFTER the wedding, this way she can’t blame you for you guys “falling out of contact”, OR not go and not send a gift and accept the probable blame she’ll give ya.