(Closed) Changing friendships after wedding?

posted 6 years ago in Grooms/men
Post # 2
Member
3170 posts
Sugar bee

I can see how you would be hurt by her behavior. Flakiness is a friendship deal-breaker to me for the most part. I’ve dropped most of my flaky friends over the years, but I have a couple of college friends who are genuinely nice people and matter to me, so I don’t want to drop them, but that aspect of their personalities really bothers me (and true to form, they haven’t sent their RSVPs in yet even though both of them offhandedly mentioned they will be there). I think you should only put as much work into a friendship as the other person puts in, so I wouldn’t go to Lea’s wedding if I were you and maybe not even send a gift. Yes, it would be a nice thing for you to do and you’d be the bigger person in this scenario, but it’s just wasted effort IMO.

Post # 3
Member
378 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

I would be hurt too.  If I were in that situation, I think I would make minimal effort – send a card, maybe a smaller gift than you would to other people.  I’d make *some* effort since she will likely stay in your social circle, but I would definitely not feel as close to her as I once did.

Post # 4
Member
605 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

I understand your situation, but I would probably attend the wedding and be the bigger person like you too. But after that, I would put some distant from her. Or else you’d just end up being hurt when you put more effort into the unbalance friendship than her. With a new chapter ahead, I’d want to start it with true friends who are worth my effort.

Post # 5
Member
5641 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 2009 - New York, NY

I would do what my heart tells me to do, regardless of how it measures with what the other side has done.  It has always worked for me to be true to my feelings.

Post # 6
Member
742 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2015 - Backyard

“I want friends in my life that appreciate/care for me on the same level that I appreciate/ care for them.”

This is what it ultimately comes down to. If you feel like going and giving a gift, especially if that means you get to go and have fun with other people there, you can do that. But honestly sometimes we just need to let go of people in our life who don’t contribute anything. Even if she was jealous, or whatever caused her to be dismissive of your wedding, that is no excuse and no way to treat a friend. I am learning this right now too, that sometimes it’s better to just let people go than to keep putting time and energy into something you will never get back.

Post # 7
Member
332 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2018 - City Hall

You said she didn’t do anything on her anniversary, but for all you know, she did a lot indoors. You really don’t know. I, honestly, wouldn’t go to a friend’s wedding on my anniversary. It’s silly to expect my friends to know my anniversary, so I wouldn’t mention it if they planned something big during it and if they asked I would tell them that it is my anniversary and I’m not going. My anniversary is a big deal to me, yes, even bigger than a friend’s wedding. So perhaps she’s in the same point of view.

If you want to go, go. If not, don’t. But if she didn’t even send a gift, I wouldn’t send one either.

 

Post # 9
Member
332 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2018 - City Hall

View original reply
MrsHistory-Bee:  If he lives a couple of states away, it doesn’t mean they didn’t do anything. Skype dating is super romantic, but I get it, it’s very very unlikely and if they DID have some cyber date planned, it could have easily been planned before or after your wedding. So she pretty much used it as an excuse to not go. Which seems fishy from a friend. She FORGOT your wedding date completely, which honestly is shitty too.

A wedding only happens once, but to be honest so does an anniversary. You never get your 1st, or 2nd or 3rd anniversary back, and sure it can be changed, but so can a wedding if from the get go the date was known. I know it’s a silly opinion, a wedding costs a lot of money where an anniversary is probably dinner or at the most expensive a vacation. But to be honest, the wedding is important to YOU so it makes sense to YOU for you to say “We can celebrate ANY time…” But an anniversary is important to ME (not gonna say your friend cuz she didn’t do anything on her’s and very likely used it as a shitty excuse to not go) and in my head you could celebrate your wedding any other time lol It’s literally about the point of views and priorities. I know my best friend’s anniversary and I would *never* plan my wedding on that date, not for her, she couldn’t care less, but I just wouldn’t do it. And I know for a fact she wouldn’t do that with me either. Granted, I have a very short list of special days I wouldn’t plan my wedding on. Close family birthdays. My best friend’s and parent’s anniversary. And that’s it. Any other person, I don’t care lol

Perhaps it is my personal experiences that have molded to cherish those dates with a fierce grip. But this is your friend we’re talking about and honestly, it doesn’t sound like her anniversary was the point like you said, she completely forgot the wedding.

I’d expect that from a cousin twice moved or something, but not a sister type friend. Now understanding that, I wouldn’t go OR send a gift! It’s not fair for you to put the effort when she doesn’t. BUT You will probably be making a loud message by not going. If she is selfish (which honestly might sound like it by making a shitty excuse and forgetting), she won’t see it as “You doing what is right for you”, she’ll see you as the shitty friend. So you have the option of going, or not go and send a gift and just stop putting the effort AFTER the wedding, this way she can’t blame you for you guys “falling out of contact”, OR not go and not send a gift and accept the probable blame she’ll give ya. 

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