Changing Last Name

posted 2 years ago in Family
Post # 2
Member
1160 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: February 2018 - UK

Have you explained to him why it is so important to you, and that your name is a part of your identity? Maybe ask him to think how he’d feel if the roles were reversed and he was going to have to change his name. How would he feel?

If you’re getting married, he obviously loves you so he shouldn’t want you to feel like you’re losing part of yourself. You say you’ve offered the double barrelled option, which seems like a good compromise to me. What does he think about that?

 I changed my name (mostly for the opportunity to distance myself from any association with my father), but it was always my choice. If my husband had tried to force the issue either way, I’d have been fuming!

Post # 3
Member
1366 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

I feel like this is YOUR name and YOUR identity. Maybe he has an opinion on it…but he should not have the final say, at all. You aren’t his property and he can’t tell you what to do. I would nicely tell him how you feel and if he’s still pushy, tell him it isn’t up for discussion. And end the conversation. 

Post # 4
Member
842 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

Why do you need to change his mind? Just don’t do it. I find it archaic and weird. 

Post # 5
Member
39 posts
Newbee

If you don’t want to change your name, don’t do it. If it’s important to you, your Fiance needs to find a way to understand.

Post # 6
Member
597 posts
Busy bee

Don’t change your name. He’ll survive and you won’t be less married for it. My boss got married last year they had their sister and and foster daughter escort them down the aisle and they were called escorts I believe. It was clear no one was “giving away” two men in their 60s tho haha. 

Post # 7
Member
2359 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

View original reply
bre3 :  Have you explained your reasoning to him? Not that you should even have to, if you told him you don’t want to change your name the conversation should have ended there. 

 

Post # 8
Member
495 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2017 - Orange County, CA

View original reply
bre3 :  Hi bee! I’m sorry about your father. Sending you lots of virtual hugs!  I don’t think that marriage should change who you are / how you identify yourself.  Disclaimer, though – I kept my last name (thought about hyphenating and decided against it b/c that would have made my surname 20 letters long!)

Have a chat with your fiance and explain. Your feeling about this should overule his desire to follow tradition. 

Post # 9
Member
1199 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

Don’t do it if you don’t want to. I kept my maiden name as a middle name as a compromise.

Post # 10
Member
1963 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

You don’t have to be giving away. I wasn’t. I walked down alone. 

Don’t charge your name. or just hyphen it. This is a choice you get to make. He can’t make you do anything, and if he is MAKING you, I would think long and hard about marrying him. 

Post # 11
Member
1255 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

It definitely isn’t a good sign that he’s trying to force this upon you. Sure, I changed my name when I got married but that was MY choice- actually my husband was (and still is) super weirded out by it because he’s pretty feminist. For me, I saw it less as “giving up” my name and more like taking a shared family name. I also moved my maiden name to my middle and dropped my middle name so I still kept my last name, in a way. 

I would ask him why it’s so important to him for you to take his last name- his answer should be illuminating. If it’s because he wants to share a last name then ask him why he can’t give his name up and take yours- maybe it will get him thinking. If it’s just because it’s the “traditional thing” then I’d start wondering what else traditional he’d want you to do in your marriage- stay at home with kids (if you want them)? Obey his orders as the head of household? Just something to think about and establish before the wedding. 

Post # 12
Member
994 posts
Busy bee

You shouldn’t have to convince him. It’s your name, you get to decide. Period

FWIW, I didn’t want to change my name when I got married the first tine; my ex said he wouldn’t marry me if I didn’t take his name, so I gave in. Red flag – I should’ve stood my ground. 

Post # 13
Member
1212 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

View original reply
bre3 :  It’s not his decision, your name is a part of who you are and it’s 100% acceptable to keep it if it’s important to you.  His patriarchal BS needs a coming to Jesus conversation.  

As for me – I took my fiance’s last name but replaced my middle name with my maiden name.  I’ll never really identify with his last name and still feel uneasy about it, but should we have kids they get my maiden name as their middle names too, I like the idea of having one family name and at the end of the day my connection to my family is not diluted on the basis that my last name is now different. 

I do wish that he would have taken my last name but he wouldn’t budge, which is reasonable.  I didn’t need to budge either and he didn’t pressure me. 

Post # 14
Member
3047 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2021

I’m of the opinion that it is YOUR name and YOUR identity, so it is YOUR choice. If you want to change your name, do it! But if you don’t want to your husband needs to respect that choice. If he doesn’t, I’d be calling into question his respect for you as a person. If his reasoning is that it is super important to him that you share a name, he can offer to change his or maybe ask you to hyphenate, but he absolutely does not get to dictate to you that you must change your name to suit him. 

Post # 15
Member
2331 posts
Buzzing bee

I find it very odd that your Fi thinks he has a right to tell you what your name should be. 

This is dealbreaker territory for me, because it shows lack of societal- (and self-) critique. He’s been conditioned by a misogynist patriarchical society and sees nothing wrong with that. He’s happy to march along in-step with a society that thinks men should have control over women’s autonomy. 

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