Changing Last Name

posted 1 year ago in Family
Post # 31
Member
6791 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

I agree with everyone saying that you do not need to convince him to change his mind. Your name is YOUR name. Why are you giving him power he doesn’t actually have? He can want what he wants but beyond that- nope. You don’t want to change your name (for whatever reason. You don’t even need to have a reason. Nor does he need to think it’s a good one.), then don’t change your name.

I would also say, don’t continue to engage in back and forths with your Fiance about it, either. That gives him the impression that he has room to change your mind. Let him know that you won’t be changing your name and, if you want to, explain why. Then the conversation is over. If you feel like listening to him explain how he feels about that, then do that, but only as a way to hear out his feelings as he processes the fact that this expectation he had isn’t going to be how things work out.

Now- if you are intending to have children, you will need to have a conversation about that and, any man who  thinks he has a right to dictate a grown woman’s name is DEFINITELY going to have opinions and strong thoughts about the kids’ names. So that will need to be a discussion. But it’s a discussion between two equal partners, not him airing his thoughts and feelings and expecting you to go along with it.

But, really, if he’s so “traditional” that he thinks the whole family needs to share a name, why not change his name to yours? It would be a tribute to your love for your father and your desire for the family name to continue on.

Post # 32
Member
6791 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

View original reply
schuyler :  scare you? really? He can have “a dream” of his wife sharing his name, but his dreams for his life should not be dependent in his partner doing something she is opposed to. That’s what it means to find love and partnership in real life- we have our ideas and then we find an autonomous, adult person, who might or might not match all of those ideas and dreams. This is especially true if his dreams are based on imposing his terms on someone else’s identity. Too bad, so sad, guy. That’s not your right. I’m not sure why it’s “scary” for women to remind OP that her name belongs to her, her identity belongs to her and her FI’s claims of “tradition” aren’t a good justification for her to go along with what he wants when it’s a really just a preference he has.

Post # 33
Member
64 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: April 2019

I’d absolutely expect this man to put great consideration into taking his wife’s last name, if that was her wish. If he simply said, “I won’t do it, you can’t make me, it doesn’t mater what you think, end of discussion”, then, to me, she should hold out for someone more reasonable and considerate. I think that compromising is key and suggesting to  speak of ultimatums is poor advice.

Yes, while many of posts contain valid points and reasoning (even those with opposing views), some of the posts on weddingbee scare me.  The current zeitgeist of having a profound sense of entitlement to feel enraged and victimized over every little thing is something I won’t get behind. 

Post # 34
Member
3455 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2021

View original reply
schuyler :  literally, all people are saying is that the choice is ultimately up to the person who is being asked to change their name and that a partner who demands their spouse change her name to make him happy is a red flag.

Post # 35
Member
64 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: April 2019

View original reply
sboom :  I’m in full accord with that. I’m not claiming that not taking a spouse’s name means a lesser commitment, and I don’t feel that anyone should demand otherwise. I disagree with the few statements claiming that his opinion shouldn’t be considered whatsoever. 

Leave a comment


Find Amazing Vendors