(Closed) Changing my last name….

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
1940 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

I’m sorry you feel that way.  Personally, I don’t really feel like my name defines who I am.  I am taking my FI’s name because I want to show that we are united and a little family and eventually our children will have our name.

It’s an individual decision that everyone has to make though.

Post # 4
348 posts
Helper bee

I think that’s how many women who keep their last names feel.  Personally, I just can’t imagine myself with a different last name.  I’m sure I would get used to it over time, but don’t really see the point of forcing myself to adjust.

Post # 5
190 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I’m struggling with this too. You are definitely not crazy or alone in this.

There’s been a great discussion recently on the blog A Practical Wedding that you might find helpful: http://apracticalwedding.com/

Post # 6
1562 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

i could see this being a very personal thing. For me – i personally don’t understand the whole “changing my NAME means I’m not ‘me’ anymore”…but that’s how I feel. You have totally different feelings than I do – and so I can’t really give you any advice on that since I don’t feel the same way.

Now I will say it IS odd for me – now that I’ve changed my name in “private” – but in “public” still use my maiden name (long story short – we’ve been married over a year – nobody knows – so especially at work I still use my maiden name)…

so technically right now I’m going by two names. LEGALLY i have changed my name and when I go shopping or when I’m out and about doing personal stuff I use my new name…however at work – where I use my name for EVERYTHING such as email and whatnot – I still use my maiden name…

so for me – when I use my new name it more feels like I’m “lying” even though that IS who i am now and have been for over a year (only just changed my name last month)…I know it will take a very long time to get used to – but I also don’t have those feelings that I’m not the same person – in the way I believe you do.

To me – a name does not make or break anyone. I am and always will be the same person – allbeit with a different name.

BUT again – maybe this is something you really need to talk over with your Fiance. Is he ok with you keeping your name? Maybe go the first maiden his last route? (getting rid of your middle and replace with your maiden?) there are a lot of options out there.

good luck!

Post # 7
2392 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

That’s sort of how I felt.  I also felt really angry at the idea that I would change my name, which has been a part of my identity (not true for all women, but true for me) for close to thirty years when he would be changing nothing – tradition is important to some people, but the idea that this would be dictated by my gender and his really, really galled me.  So I’m not changing my name – we discussed it and while he would probably prefer me to take his name, he certainly wouldn’t want me to do it if I’d resent him for it (which I would, but again just me here).

But there’s other people, like EvaBostonTerrier above who don’t see their name as part of who they are.  I have friends like this, and it’s also a totally legitimate way to feel.  In that case, yeah, it’s weird to adjust.  But if it’s what you really want to do, then after a short period of it being strange (but reminding you that you’re a newlywed each time it feels strange), it will be your name.

It’s really up to you to decide which is the way you feel.  If it’s just awkwardness and getting used to it, you’ll adjust in time.  If it’s really feeling like you’re making a huge sacrifice of part of yourself, then we’re lucky to live in a world where we have both options (as well as lots of other options), and no one (no one!) can tell you which is right for you.

Post # 8
2208 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

You are not crazy, I completely understand. It isn’t as if my name is my whole identity, but it is a part of me. So I’m not changing it. My mom didn’t, and it was not a big deal. The main “guilt” trip I get is the whole, “think of the children,” and I can honestly say I have! It was never a big deal for me as a kid.

Post # 9
105 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I would never, ever, ever change my last name.  I absolutely love it, and growing up with a feminist mom who never changed her name either, I think it’s weird and backwards that people would change their name.  The whole “family unit” arguement is BS, because no one ever batted an eye with mom and I not having the same name.  And if they did care, we didn’t care baout them.

Future hubby has offered to change his name to mine, but I asked him not to, as he even said, ten years from now, people would just assume I changed mine to match his.

If you do change it, make sure it’s because it’s what *you* want, not that future hubby wants, or mother in law wants, or whoever.  If you change it for anyone else but yourself, you will probably be resentful

Post # 10
3316 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

I have had the same last name for 56 years–through marriage, divorce, and remarriage.  Yes, my children have a different one.  However, they understood early on that not everyone in the family would have the same last name.  After all, they had grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins with different last names.

If you don’t want to change your name, just don’t.  Even your fiance doesn’t get to tell you what your name should be, any more than you would tell him what his name should be.

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