(Closed) changing name breakdown- First offical post

posted 7 years ago in Names
Post # 3
Member
1326 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2011 - Tre Bella, Mesa, AZ

I’m pretty liberal and think a lot of traditions are stupid, so I think he’s the one being selfish. Why do you have to change your name? Because you’re the woman? Ef that. I know plenty of married couples where the woman kept her last name for whatever reason. I even know a couple where they changed their last name together to something different. If he wants your kids to have his last name, that’s a separate argument, but there should be no “rethinking” of you changing your last name when you have kids if you decide to keep it now. He sounds like he’s being a male chauvinist, sorry. It sounds like you have a really good reason to keep your current last name.

ETA: I am changing my last name, but only because my current last name is the 3rd I’ve had (my mom remarried several times when I was a child) and it has no meaning for me.

Post # 4
Member
3142 posts
Sugar bee

Hyphenation

Post # 5
Member
2392 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Honestly, it sounds like you have an opinion and he has an opinion and they do not match.  I’m of the opinion that when it comes to your name, your opinion wins.  It sounds like he’s very proud of his name and his heritage, and would love for you to share that excitement with him.  But you don’t – you have the same sort of pride over your last name and your family heritage.  He loves you and while he might want you to want what he wants, he’s not going to be nearly so happy if you’re miserable about changing it. 

He might be right that you’ll rethink your decision down the line.  But that’s down the line, and if you find yourself wanting to change your name when you have kids, you can do that.  Making the decision you feel comfortable with and excited about now doesn’t preclude you from making a different one later on.

Post # 6
Member
1543 posts
Bumble bee

@Oneeleven: +1

 

@navyblueanchor: Would “Bunaratoo-Smith” be an option for BOTH of you to change your names to? Assuming Bunaratoo is your last name that you identify with and want to keep, and Smith is his. You’d both become Bunaratoo-Smith, and both get new names while keeping your own at the same time. Everybody wins. My BIL and his new wife just did this exact thing.

Post # 7
Member
5296 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 1993

Hyphenate – you shouldn’t have to change your name just because you have boobs. I like to point out that in Iceland the man takes the woman’s name – it’s all dependent on the culture. I’ve had this same argument with myself – ultimately I think I’ll take FI’s name – but I totally understand where you are coming from.

I doubt this will affect your children too much – what about all the divorces and renamings that go on there? At some point your children will be adults and they can decide if they want to keep the whole name or shorten it (or even take the name of their SO). You could even do something like give children your last name as a middle name – my MOH’s parents did this  – John Doe + Jane Deer = Jack Deer Doe and Jill Deer Doe. Obviously if your (or his) last name is like Stephanopolous, that would be a weird middle name 😛

Post # 8
Member
2907 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

@Entangled:Honestly, it sounds like you have an opinion and he has an opinion and they do not match.  I’m of the opinion that when it comes to your name, your opinion wins.

 

 

Yes, this.  It’s your name. Hyphenating it is a compromise.

FWIW, my mother NEVER changed her name (also very very Italian). It never caused any problems growing up, except she often got called Mrs. DadsLastName.

Know what? She is Mrs. DadslastName. She is also Ms. First ItalianLastName. You can use different names legally and socially. People get used to it.

 

Another friend’s mom never changed her name. Went by Mrs. W while her kids were growing up, but professionally was still Ms. I. Now that the kids are grown, she goes 90% by Ms. I.

 

It’s your name. Go with what feels right for you. Especially since you’ve established your self and published papers, you really want to keep your name. You can hyphenate, but I wouldn’t have changed my name had I published papers that I meant to continue with.

Post # 9
Member
171 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

It’s your name and you can make whatever decision you want. Your fiance should respect that. That said, a compromise might be to make your current last name your new middle name.

Post # 10
Member
566 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@ellabee: Yes, using different names professionally/socially is completely fine. My boss kept her maiden name for legal and work purposes, but she refers to herself as “Mrs. HisLastname” when with her children.

Post # 11
Member
4803 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

It’s your name, not his, and you’re the one who gets to choose it. It makes complete sense for you to keep your name since you’re so attached and have been published under it. Are you two doing any pre-marital counseling? That would be a good place to discuss this.

Post # 12
Member
1645 posts
Bumble bee

So he has a strong attachment to his name and that’s important to him? And you have the same feelings about YOUR name, but he doesn’t give a shit about them? 

Can I be frank here? I don’t know anything else about your fiance, and I’m sure he’s wonderful in other ways, but his attitude about this says that he’s an a.s.s.h.o.l.e.

Do what you want. Hyphenate. Whatever. But this whole my-opinion-and-feelings-are-worth-more-than-yours has to be quashed now. Tell him to time-travel back to 1620 if you being a pilgrim with him is so important. Welcome to the 21st century.

Post # 13
Member
811 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

I can really relate to this.

While my lastname is rather common -it is the only thing I have left of my grandmother, it is also the name on my degrees (which I could have changed -I guess, but what about publications that no one probably reads but I am proud of?) I felt strongly about keeping my last name either way.

FI’s last name is NOT at all common. There are only 200 of them in the world. He is super attached to his last name.

When discussions about name change began he was disappointed at first, but we talked about it, and agreed that I could keep my last name (hypenating wasn’t really an option to me because each last name is 9 letters long and my first name is 9 and 4 with a hyphen even though I rarely write or use my legal first name its still a serious  PITA). Ideally, I would have loved if my children could carry on my last name too, but I have brothers, so I just have to accept that it is upto them.

I also have serious issues with my inlaws -his last name is somewhat of a sore spot for me because they use it like its some status simbol. I dread being called Mrs. hislastname, but I think with time I’ll get used to it.

There are tons of options, but it is a tough decision.

hyphenation

both of you hyphenate -I had a university professor who was Dr. A-B and she was Mrs. B-A (kinda cool)

taking your last name as a middle name -always use and sign both

Sticking your grounds and seeing what happens

 

Either way, I think with time you’ll adjust to whatever you choose, but its shocking how attached we are to our names.

Post # 14
Member
1652 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

@MissHoneyBun: This.

I don’t think a woman taking a man’s name necessarily has to be misogynistic as long as it’s what she wants.  And it’s perfectly fine for two people to have differing opinions on the subject – and I would even say that his resistance and consternation is understandable if the woman taking the man’s name is just what he’s used to in his family and he always thought that’s how it would work with him.

But I don’t think it’s acceptable for him to call you selfish because of a decision you want to make with your last name.  Try asking him to take your last name, and when he says no, call him selfish and see how he likes it.

I completely understand your feelings on this issue.  I want to take my FI’s last name because I like the tradition and symbolism.  But I also have become attached to my last name because it has been my identity for the last 27 years, and I’ve also started out my career with that name.  I will probably make my current last name into my middle name, as I find that a good compromise.

Post # 15
Member
470 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

You don’t sound selfish AT ALL.  I think he’s being selfish.  You both have the same attachment to your last name and he thinks you should just forget about your attachment and take his name with no troubles.  Whatever, that’s crap.  I can relate – I really don’t want to take my fiance’s last name just because I’ve had mine for almost thirty years now and I’m just attached to it.  He thinks that’s wrong “THINK OF THE KIDS” and it really pisses me off.  He’s even said that he has no attachment to his last name and wouldn’t mind changing it…but do you think he wants to take my last name?  Of course not!

Hyphenation sounds like a viable option to me!  Good luck. 

Post # 16
Member
954 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I’ve got an ethnic name that represents 85% of my bf’s and my ethnicity, but I plan on changing it to his last name bc its too long to hyphenate and the name will be carried on in my dad’s family by the other guys…that said, his last name is italian and everyone else in this area is italian, so its not like i’m alienating myself from my ethnic community or anything by changing it.  I identify with my ethnicity not my last name.

 

That said.  YOU have the total right to decide whether or not to change it.  For me, the decision will also be influenced by the fact that my name gets mispronounced in such a way that it sounds almost derogatory lol.

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