Changing your last name?!

posted 1 year ago in Emotional
Post # 16
Member
2736 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

junebride19 :  I just wanted to say that your name is a part of your heritage, but it is not all your heritage. You will still be Italian with another name. How you live your life and how you express your culture is more than just the label you put on it.

I can completely understand the desire to have the same name as your family. If you still have family in Europe it is also quite useful. Basically if you are taking a child out of Europe and you don’t share a surname you often have to show proof of your relationship to the child.

Post # 17
Member
279 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2018

Getting married December 1st, and we still haven’t come up with a solution. I don’t want to take his last name, and he doesn’t have much of a connection to it. He said he would be willing to take my name after his dad passes. Something about that doesn’t feel right. I’ve suggested a name that we both change to, but he’s on the fence. He takes a million years to make any decisions. We’ve already agreed not to hyphenate, and I refuse to have a name different than my children’s, so the ball is in his court!

Post # 18
Member
2826 posts
Sugar bee

longtobee :  If it makes you feel better i didn’t even decide until several months AFTER my wedding haha. And I may still change my mind once we have kids.

_______

OP – I had a similar problem. I wanted to have the same last name as my husband, but at the same time it felt wrong and weird giving up a part of my identity. My husband has his grandfather’s full name which has been passed down for generations so I didn’t want him to give that up either. 

What we decided on was that I’ll keep my maiden name, but use his last name sometimes socially some of the time. I basically just go by either one depending on the situation. When we have kids I may take his last name and make my maiden name my middle name, and the kids will have my maiden name as their middle name either way. It’s closer to the spanish naming system where people always have 2 surnames (for each of their parents) and have flexibility with which is used. 

There are lots of ways to do it these days, so just give yourself some time and figure out what feels right for you. 

Post # 19
Member
76 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: March 2018

i think it’s fine to keep your surname rather than adding a surname of your husband’s and make your name sounds a bit off. especially when he gave you the permission to keep it and didn’t make a big deal about it. but i guess he would want your kids to have his surname and maybe you can find a middle name that represents your heritage as an italian as well.

Post # 20
Member
3406 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

You can move your Italian surname to your middle name and go by all three. Your husband could also change his middle name to be your Italian name. And your kids could have the same middle name and last name as both of you. So you can go from Sarah Kay Ricci to Sarah Ricci Smith, your husband can become Henry Ricci Smith, and your kid can be Mason Ricci Smith.

My husband and I strongly considered this option. But then we decided we weren’t super attached to either name, and we chose a new surname as a couple instead. 

Post # 21
Member
162 posts
Blushing bee

Just keep your surname? My friend had the same idea regarding sharing the same name as her children, after 3 children she has yet to change her last name. Her mother owns a very successful business that she works for and is in her maiden name, so that was a major reason for changing it. You coudl always give your children both last names, hyphenate. 

Post # 22
Member
421 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2020

I also have an italian last name that I am quite attached to but it is really long (it’s actually two words). I’m planning on taking his name and making the first half of my name as a second middle name (it’s the first half I’m most attched to).

If my name wasn’t so long I would just tack his name onto the end as a second last name so that I would be Misspetite Jones Smith and he would be Mr Smith for example. That way our family would be “the smiths” and we would match, but I would still technically have my name as well.

Post # 23
Member
6403 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 1997

I took Dh’s name, as my dad was not particularly attached to his own surname. Indeed, he suggested to my mum that they take her four letter English name instead of his 12 letter German name, but she refused. So I took Dh’s name.

Had I kept my own surname, the biggest sticking point would have been the children’s names, as I see absolutely no reason why children should automatically take a man’s surname. I wanted to share a name with my children. Hyphenating is an option, but then whose name comes first and whose comes second? Again, with hyphenated names, many places will still primarily list the child under the second part of the last name (many schools, for example), and if one part of the name ever gets dropped for convenience’s sake, it is almost always the first part, which is generally the mother’s last name. Again, I’d have wanted the second part of the hyphenated name to be mine.

Post # 24
Member
421 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2020

lovelyruby :  This is essentiall what I’ll be doing, except I’ll be ‘Sarah Kay Ricci Smith’ and He will stay as ‘Henry Jon Smith’

out kid will be ‘Mason Jack Ricci Smith’. (So my children and I will have 2 middle names, but we will all share the last name Smith.)

 

Post # 25
Member
6789 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

lovelyruby :  This is a great solution however the problem here, as I mentioned on the previous page, is that her husband doesn’t want to change his name at all. Which I think is his right. He gets as much say in his own name as OP gets in her own name. 

Post # 26
Member
3406 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

llevinso :  Oh, I must have missed that. I knew he didn’t want to take her last name, but I didn’t realize middle was off-limits as well. 

Post # 27
Member
364 posts
Helper bee

Its 2018, I don’t think it should matter if people share last names or not. And only some customs have women adopt the man’s name. Most other people on the planet don’t. I don’t share the same last name as my mom nor my dad. I don’t have any affinity to my last name, personally, but I won’t be changing it for multiple reasons such as that I am already established in my career, I don’t think its a big deal to share last name with H or future kids either. Future daughters might change their name when they get married, that won’t mean they stop being my daughters. Another thing is that when you combine Arabic first name with English last name, people will think you’re black. Nothing wrong with being black, but neither of us are African Americans, and even without changing my name people already assume I’m black many times. I don’t think it would help the situation if I Anglify my last name.

 

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