(Closed) Chatting with “friends”… Please Help! Vent….

posted 10 years ago in Relationships
Post # 137
Member
32 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I understand being nervous about friends of the opposite sex, but to be honest….how can you live YOUR life like that? Always worrying, never knowing, hoping he has no female friend….

I’ve been nervous before and tried the rules and man, it SUCKED! It’s so stressful, and trying, and hard on YOU. I don’t know what happened, but when my honey and I first got together I had theis moment where I started to freak out and got jealous. Instead of saying anything to him, I sat down (alone), took a breath, and tried to find out what was really bothering me. I think it was my confidence about myself, and seeing my mom and dad cheat, and my lack of trust in his feelings for me. At first it was harder because some of his exes were friends too! So I didn’t set a rule, I just told him to go ahead and go out. And then I found a hobby or went out with girlfriend  to keep myself busy and eventually I didn’t even worry about him being out. 

I sort of realized that it was just too hard for me to live that worried. No matter what, I realized I could never really control everything about him or our life. He’s going to meet women professionally and socially, and you know what? Some of his female friends have become some of my BEST friends and now my bridesmaids!  The best part was that he loves me, and I really know that now. He calls me when he is out with the guys or an event I just don’t feel like attending practically every hour to see what I’m up to, to tell me something funny that happened while he was out, to send a picture I might like. It makes me feel so special to know he is thinking of me even if he is out and there are other women around. And that would have never been possible if I couldn’t just let him go out and build our trust.

Post # 138
Member
8735 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2011

View original reply
@PrettySedity This is not a court of law… it’s an online community.

 

I think you and your SO need to go to counselling together. Really examine the relationship you have. Examine why he’s lying (not ok) examine why you are so focused on his female friends. Really have a heart to heart and work on the relationship if  you feel ilt is a realationship worth saving.

Post # 139
Member
7982 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

When one of a couple violates an agreement that they had previously both consented to, then trust has been broken.  Personally, I do not agree with the “rule”, however, your situation reminds me a lot of my ex-husband.  When a coulple agrees to something (however it looks to the outside world)- they should both honor the agreement.  Make sure that he is really in agreement with what you are talking about- and not just saying “ok”- there is a big difference.

Post # 141
Member
108 posts
Blushing bee

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@PrettySedity 

I think the backlash from that sentence was because you used the term “the caliber” of people you know. Caliber relates directly to a status or quality, as if because you are friends with professionals, athletes and models, they are somehow of a higher level than his friends; and therefore he is intimidated, because they are “better”.

Post # 142
Member
543 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Meeting someone’s friends, new and old, can tell you a lot about them. Basically putting down a rule that says your BF can’t have girl friends without your consent means that you’re imposing your will on what you learn about him.

It really seems like you’re looking to mirror yourself in this relationship, rather than finding a partner who brings you completely new ideas and experiences. 

No matter what rule you put down, if he wants to cheat, he’ll cheat. Isn’t it easier to just say “I want to meet the people that you find important”?

Post # 143
Member
223 posts
Helper bee

Ahhh… this situation is all too familiar for me.

I will say this, staying as neutral as possible, I am in agreement with most people who have replied.  ANYTIME in my life where I have tried to make relationship rules or policies, it has drastically backfired.  I used to be insecure and afraid that my SO would find someone new if he talked to other people… not anymore.  Some men even like having an over protective woman. My boyfriend now, does NOT.  

In fact, when I met BF, he was the most independent, self confident, and genuinely FRIENDLY person I had ever met.  Because of these amazing qualities, I was insecure.  It was silly, because truth be told, I was a lot like him before the relationship and that is partly what drew me to him.  Nevertheless, I tried to limit his interactions.  It back fired the first six months of our relationship when he felt like he needed to hide a lunch visit with an old high school FRIEND. It was set for the day after Christmas and he told me it was his “buddy.”  It ended up blowing up in his face and I realized, had I not had him on such a leash, he would have never lied and probably would have invited me!  But he was afraid of my flipping out.

He has a ton of girl friends.  Some annoy me, with their “I miss you!!” on his facebook, but that has died down a lot in time.  I realized I don’t want my boyfriend to feel like he has to walk on egg shells around me.  Nor would I want to limit my own friendships.  I think it would suck if the rule applied to me too, and I know for sure that I’m not doing ANYTHING more than being friends with guys and girls!  But it wouldn’t be fair to expect only him to do those things.  I have some friends that have like NO OTHER FRIENDS because their SOs and them have rules.  I think it sucks.

This got long, but my last thought is: the one girl I was MOST worried about with my SOs friendship has basically fallen off the face of the earth.  I was convinced she wanted him, I tried putting limits on it, he got mad, we argued.  Since I’ve let that go in the past year or so, he has COME TO ME.  He chooses me over everyone else because I let him spread his wings and be himself.  He says the best thing about me is: “You let me be me.”

Try to relax.

 

Post # 144
Member
223 posts
Helper bee

Also, I find that when my boyfriend talks to other women, he understands me better!  SO works with a bunch of women.  He also has girl friends outside of work.  If I am making a big deal about something and he runs it by them, most times they will say, “She’s right!” and it helps him in our relationship.  🙂

Post # 145
Member
223 posts
Helper bee

View original reply
@PrettySedityWhy are you allowed to have opposite sex friends, but he is not?   He is intimidated by the caliber of your friends, but you’re still allowed to have them?  How come you can limit him but he cannot limit you?  It’s a totally unfair double standard and having rules on people will only backfire.  That is not a healthy relationship.

Post # 146
Member
2023 posts
Buzzing bee

I will say as a person who has this rule semi-installed against herself, it really sucks. I worked in a home theater department for a long time, which is predominantly worked in by males. Although I am still allowed to text/talk to male friends, there is the strict rule that I cannot hang out with them. And to make matters worse, he’s not willing to come with for a group thing.

It sucks, because in the several years of working together, we became family and I feel like I’ve lost a lot of them because of this. I have to lie and say we’re busy whenever I get asked to hang out. It’s very hard. 

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