(Closed) Cheap engagement ring broken – too long engagement? (very long post)posted 6 years ago in Relationships
- 6 years ago
- Wedding: October 2015
- 6 years ago
- Wedding: September 2015
From the sounds of it, it doesn’t really sound like either of you are ready for marriage anyways, seeing as your communication skills seem to be lacking. You’re 25 and have been with the guy for ten years, and yet it still seems that you struggle with having a voice in a relationship and making it very clear what your expectations are. To have a successful marriage, you HAVE to have those things in place. You can’t walk on eggshells or avoid topics because you’re afraid of what his reaction will be. And you certainly can’t avoid talking about what you want in the relationship. You guys have to be able to communicate about absolutely everything, in a healthy way.
If it were me, there’s absolutely no way I would let 5 whole years go by without any solid wedding plans. And it sounds a little bit like your fiancee has kind of taken advantage of your silence on the matter. I do think it’s time for you to be a little stronger and no longer be afraid to voice your wants and concerns to your man.
- 6 years ago
- Wedding: October 2013
- 6 years ago
- Wedding: November 2013
You’ve been with him since you were a teenager so you probably now think “this is how relationships are,” “this is how men act with the women they love,” etc. It’s not. It’s how your boyfriend is and how he acts with you. And right now you’re just dating which means the relationship is 100% optional. No legal entanglements, insurance bindings, children, nothing. So why OP do you keep choosing him every day instead of choosing yourself?
- 6 years ago
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
If he has no idea then I would tell him he needs to re-propose with a new ring (be clear you want something that will last a few years and not tarnish, even if it’s just a plain band) and an actual idea of a date he wants to get married (no date, no dice). When my husband proposed it was a big deal for me to ask for a long engagement (2 years) because he would have been happy to set the date right then; he wanted to marry me and he had a “be married by” date in mind which was within a year of his proposal.
Do not expect him to read your mind. However, he should be able to give you clear answers about being engaged and when he would like to be married to you. If he can’t do that then it’s probably a good idea to take some time and space apart from each other to make sure you actually want to be married. I’m talking about at least 6 months no contact, living apart, and dating other people. You have made it easy for him to take you for granted.
- 6 years ago
- Wedding: September 2014
First, I wish I could say that the ring does not matter at all. I was married before with no ring. Eventually he got me a cheapie CZ. Guess what went flying off when we had one of our horrible arguments?! There was no real meaning behind it. We got married at the courthouse. When that relationship was still going on, I realized that I fel jipped. I wanted some sort of romantic memories of our love. I knew this was a must in the future, and I am blessed to have all of those things now.
I think that you could have a simple elopement, with just your parents, etc. You could all go to a nice restaurant afterward and it could really be lovely. He should get you another ring. I agree that it is crazy that he thinks you should be engaged with no marriage in sight and use what could be wedding money toward your ring and wedding. This is sooo strange. His priorities seem out of whack. You have to discuss this issue with him. Having a discussion as saying that he has to marry you on this date or else… This is a mess. Money should not prevent you both from getting married. By now, you could have been married in a small ceremony a few years ago already. Good luck…
- 6 years ago
I sort of think this sucks, he could have bought you another cheap ring you like, or gone searching and found something worth a hundred or so dollars, used or something… surely? I know the ring isn’t important, but his disregard for your feelings sure is.
Also, you could elope or have a small courthouse wedding if he really wanted to. Where is the money to remodel the house coming from if he can’t get married?
- 6 years ago
Hi guys, thanks for the comments and support.
Sorry for not replying for a long time. I didn’t have a chance to sit down and talk seriously because my dad was diagnosed with cancer, and we’ve been in and out of the hospital all this time. It’s really serious so I wanted to focus on him.
Anyway, here’s the latest stuff:
We were at the car the other day, with my FI’s best friend and a really good friend of his that he just introduced to us. She’s a little older than me, (33) but her story was pretty much the same. Long relationship, two year engagement. The guy gave her an ultimatum: marriage some time soon, or separate lives. She chose to leave him, because she wasn’t ready. Anyway, she asked about us, and how long we’ve been together and when we told her she asked, ‘wow, when will you guys finally get married” my Fiance replied he’s not planning to get married until he’s 35. Of course the other two laughed because at that time that would mean a ridiculusly long 10+ year engagement. And then she said what I should have said: “What makes you think she will still be around?” Then he replied “What do you mean?” Then I replied “She means that I won’t be there”. Then there was that awkward silence for a few minutes, until someone changed the subject.
He recently told me he needs vacation. In our 10yr relationship, we only had vacation twice, simply because “we couldn’t afford it”. Yesterday he asked me again if I’ve seen any low cost offers so that we’ll be able to leave for 4-5 days on my birthday. We calculated the costs and that would be $700-1000. I really need vacation too because I’m working hard 7 days/week, but I told him I’m not willing to spend that money on vacation. I’m fine with small trips to the nearest sea (which cost us $15 a day). Oh, and, did I mention that I don’t have health insurance because we can’t afford it??? Or that I’m working online from my home pc because we can’t afford the taxes of having a second registered business in the household??? So, how could we go on vacation?
I’ll follow your advice. I’m not giving him an ultimatum, but I’ve set a walking date in my mind. In the meantime, I’ll pretend that everything is fine, until i have enough money to leave. That may sound weird to some, but an ultimatum would leave me homeless and broke. I have no one to backup me when I go. No real friends to help or someone to stay with, and I’m certainly not returning back to my parents. I’m not sure I’ll even tell them anything until i’m in a stable emotional state that will allow me to do so.
I’ve managed to save around $1000. I’m staying until I’ve saved around 7-8000. That’s a long time, but I have patience. That should be enough to stay in a hotel until I find a small apartment to rent, buy the really basics (a bed, a table and a pc so that I can continue working and finally start my own real business, a washing machine and a small stove) and move on with my life.
FemShepN7: He has told everyone he doesn’t want to get married in the courthouse, He wants to get married in church.
The remodelling money would be around $10.000. His intention was to do one small thing at a time, so the remodelling would take a few years. Guess who would be paying half of it? With absolutely no rights? No way I’m doing that. The apartment is fine as is. A fancy kitchen is useless when the people using it are not happy.
I now realize it is more than one cheap ring. The whole relationship is “cheap” and immature. We’re not equal. He recently told me he can tell I’m not happy and that he’s afraid of losing me. And I don’t think it’s because he loves me. I think he’s afraid of losing the extra income, the clean clothes and the food waiting on the table. It’s like having a good maid. She’s good so you don’t want to lose her, but you know that you can fire her anythime if you want to.
We had an argument the other day, because I refused to pay part of his business expenses. I’m ok with paying part of the house bills, but I want nothing to do with his business taxes. When I asked him how he would pay the bills if he was living alone like a million other people do, he told me that if I wasn’t around, he would have never left his parents’ house so the expenses would not be that high. I replied that nobody forced him to move in with me. He replied he did it because he wanted to, so I told him to finally grow up and be responsible for his actions.
That’s a really long post, but I have nobody around to open up & talk to. It’s a huge relief to know that someone is listening and supporting you, even if they’re a thousand miles away. Thanks for that.
- 6 years ago
- Wedding: August 2014
firstly, I am so sorry to hear about your father. My father has been diagnosed with a large tumor on the lung – we are currently waiting biopsy results, so I understand the pain you are feeling and the added stress that brings. It can make us more emotional and while others may say that it could cloud our judgement, I say it’s the very opposite. when tragedy strikes your family, it lets you see past all the bullsh*t and prioritising the important things in your life becomes clear and simple.
I’m late to this post, but having read through I’m so glad to see that you are standing up for yourself and making plans to ensure your independence regardless of what happens between the two of you. I’ve seen this situation happen to a few friends of mine (of both genders) and I can tell you, at least for them, they were all happier when they took control of their lives and the path they wanted to be on. None of them felt great and empowered when they initially made the change to their relationships – either through break ups or time outs – it was a bit of tough love on themselves. But a few years down the track they are all in loving relationships
I really wish you all the best
- 6 years ago
- Wedding: July 2014
I have to admit, after reading your most recent post, I have some questions. Questions like, how come you can save up $1,000 to get out, but not to contribute to a ring, relationship counselling or your own business costs? Why can you tell him in front of friends that you won’t be there in 10 years, but not sit down with him and have an adult conversation about your concerns and life goals? Is he even aware that by the time he is 35, it is bordering on too late for you two to have kids? And how come you can save up $7-8,000 to leave, but not for a wedding? Is this simply a reflection of the fact that you have both waited too long and you are mentally already done with the relationship?
I am all for walk dates given enough justification (and I think you have plenty), but any walk date should be proceeded by some hard and honest conversations, and I simply do not think you have done this with him. You two have some MAJOR communication issues and I strongly suggest you try a) getting some relationship counselling if you are unable to have this conversation on your own or b) at least get John Gottman’s “Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” for about $10 and work through it together. I also want you to answer some important questions, right now:
a) What is your timeline? Eg. In an ideal world, I would like to have a ring by X date, a wedding/marriage by Y date, and a child by Z date. What are those dates? Are they negotiable or are they set in stone for you?
b) You are clearly extremely hurt by your SO’s actions in refusing to prioritise your wedding or get you a second ring as a symbol of your love. Can this relationship be salvaged at this point, or are you done? Be honest.
c) What do you need or want your SO to know about how you are feeling right now? What actions would he have to do in order to put the relationship back on track?
d) Have you, at any point, sat down and told him your feelings and goals? Is he aware you are about to walk? And if not, how can you honestly communicate this without getting angry and accusatory? Will writing a letter help organise your thoughts and feelings? Will getting a neutral counsellor involved help?
Before throwing away a 10 year relationship, you NEED to communicate with him. Just expecting him to read your mind and do what you secretly want him to do is not going to work. By all means walk, but have the hard conversations first. You will have much fewer regrets that way.
- 6 years ago
- Wedding: March 2014
I don’t think you should wait around forever, but I just want to emphasize how important I feel money is to a man’s confidence.
Just among my friends and acquaintances, men seem to propose after reaching certain money milestones. Maybe it’s graduating school or getting that work promotion, but it’s a sign that they can take care of a family one day. Not all men of course, but I think a lot of men want the ability to give you a nice ring, a nice wedding, a vacation, health insurance, a nice place to live. And until they can do that, they don’t have the confidence to move forward with marriage. I know good intentions aren’t enough, but it seems like running a business that allows you to barely scrape by is depressing and could make a man feel like a failure and not worthy of marriage.
- 6 years ago
Penang1885: How come you can save up $1,000 to get out, but not to contribute to a ring, relationship counselling or your own business costs?
Regarding the ring: I contributed to the wedding bands. Paid about 80% of the amount. Wouldn’t it be weird if I saved money to pay for my own engagement ring too? I don’t know, it just doesn’t feel right.
<div style=”overflow: hidden; color: #000000; background-color: #ffffff; text-align: left; text-decoration: none;”>Regarding the $1000: I recently received the $700 from a paid seminar I attended last year. The rest is my savings. I am also currently working long hours in order to increase my income & ability to save.</div>
Regarding my business costs: I made a plan last year, with carefully chosen steps to expand and “officially” start my business. I calculated my goal income and (with the help of my accountant) set a precise number of monthly income & savings that would be enough for my taxes, business costs, unexpected costs and part of the house bills. I’m half way to that number, which means I now earn 50% (I literally started from zero income) of what I need to successfully start my business. I’m on my own on this with help from no one, so I consider it a huge progress. The problem is, my Fiance does not have a steady income so sometimes my whole payment goes to the house bills & grocery shopping (someone has to pay them) & a very small amount or nothing at all is left to be added to my personal savings towards my business goal or other expenses. So I’m kind of stuck…
He has some savings too that could easily fund a wedding, but he was clear from the start that he’s only using that money in case of me or him having a serious emergency like a surgery or accident or similar. To be honest, I support this idea.
And how come you can save up $7-8,000 to leave, but not for a wedding?
Hard work, and paying only my part of the house expenses. But I don’t think he’d be willing to get married even if I had the $8000 right now, so obviously something is holding him back. When I ask him if he’s happy with me though, he says yes.
I also want you to answer some important questions, right now:
a)In an ideal world, I would meet a guy, date for a 3-5 years, have a ring, get married after 1-2 years max. Again, in an ideal world. My case is different because I was a little young to get married at 20, and was attending college at that time.
b)I still have feelings for him, and I believe he has too. But there are certain things/situations in our relationship that are just so very wrong.
c)I want him to know I’m confused by his behaviour. I want him to respect me and support my business effort by making an effort too, instead of relying on me for his own expenses. I want him to be honest about his own feelings, plans or doubts, and about the reasons that make him want to delay a wedding for as long as possible, as if it’s something he would do only if he had no other choice.
d)If I knew I’d be calm during a conversation like this, I would have already done it. A letter might be a better way, since I’d have the time to clearly write down my thoughts.
canadajane: If that’s the reason why he doesn’t want to proceed, wouldn’t he try harder to improve his finances? I’ve sacrificed many things trying to make progress in my business. Many times I work at night, exceeding 15 hours of work a day. And sometimes I don’t get off the pc until my eyes hurt. But then I see that I’ve gained regular clients that trust me and support me by referring me to their own friends and clients. And I know it’s worth the time, pain and effort. I expect him to do the same, or at least make an effort. I have the benefit of working online so I do not rely on the local dying economy, but he could make some progress too if he really was willing to.
- 6 years ago
I’m proud of you for coming to the conclusions you have. I think you’re taking steps in the right direction. For what it’s worth, I don’t know what state you’re in, but most states have a common-law marriage after about 6 years, and if you’ve been living with him for 5, by the time you save up to leave you might be intitled to some things. OR it could backfire and HE might be entitled to some of your things. If you feel like it, or have the time to do so, I would speak with a lawyer on the DL so you don’t get slapped in the face with a court order to surrender some of your hard earned shit to a man you’re leaving. Just food for thought. Big big hugs and I hope you’re feeling better about this. Things will never be easy, but you’ll be doing something later in life, might as well be happy about it.
- 6 years ago
I have paid for most of the furniture, but there’s no way to prove that… And the last thing I want is to fight about who will keep the couch and who will keep the table :/
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