(Closed) Cheap engagement ring broken – too long engagement? (very long post)

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
Post # 16
Member
524 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

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BeeBuffy:  I hope your talk went well!! Don’t stay in this stall pattern if it’s not what you want. Don’t waste your time and don’t let him waste yours either. 

Post # 17
Member
1323 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

any update?

Post # 18
Member
385 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

From the sounds of it, it doesn’t really sound like either of you are ready for marriage anyways, seeing as your communication skills seem to be lacking. You’re 25 and have been with the guy for ten years, and yet it still seems that you struggle with having a voice in a relationship and making it very clear what your expectations are. To have a successful marriage, you HAVE to have those things in place. You can’t walk on eggshells or avoid topics because you’re afraid of what his reaction will be. And you certainly can’t avoid talking about what you want in the relationship. You guys have to be able to communicate about absolutely everything, in a healthy way.

If it were me, there’s absolutely no way I would let 5 whole years go by without any solid wedding plans. And it sounds a little bit like your fiancee has kind of taken advantage of your silence on the matter. I do think it’s time for you to be a little stronger and no longer be afraid to voice your wants and concerns to your man.

Post # 19
Member
1710 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Update?

Post # 20
Member
2762 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

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Vitana:  This!

You’ve been with him since you were a teenager so you probably now think “this is how relationships are,” “this is how men act with the women they love,” etc. It’s not. It’s how your boyfriend is and how he acts with you. And right now you’re just dating which means the relationship is 100% optional. No legal entanglements, insurance bindings, children, nothing. So why OP do you keep choosing him every day instead of choosing yourself? 

Post # 21
Member
9129 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

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BeeBuffy:  Sit him down and tell him.  Guys can be dense sometimes and no matter how sad you look or how often you set out the broken ring, he won’t know anything is wrong until you specifically tell him what is wrong.  Sit down and ask him about everything.  When does he expect to replace the ring?  What date does he expect to get married?

If he has no idea then I would tell him he needs to re-propose with a new ring (be clear you want something that will last a few years and not tarnish, even if it’s just a plain band) and an actual idea of a date he wants to get married (no date, no dice).  When my husband proposed it was a big deal for me to ask for a long engagement (2 years) because he would have been happy to set the date right then; he wanted to marry me and he had a “be married by” date in mind which was within a year of his proposal.

Do not expect him to read your mind.  However, he should be able to give you clear answers about being engaged and when he would like to be married to you.  If he can’t do that then it’s probably a good idea to take some time and space apart from each other to make sure you actually want to be married.  I’m talking about at least 6 months no contact, living apart, and dating other people.  You have made it easy for him to take you for granted.

Post # 22
Member
2091 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

First, I wish I could say that the ring does not matter at all. I was married before with no ring. Eventually he got me a cheapie CZ. Guess what went flying off when we had one of our horrible arguments?! There was no real meaning behind it. We got married at the courthouse. When that relationship was still going on, I realized that I fel jipped. I wanted some sort of romantic memories of our love. I knew this was a must in the future, and I am blessed to have all of those things now. 

I think that you could have a simple elopement, with just your parents, etc. You could all go to a nice restaurant afterward and it could really be lovely. He should get you another ring. I agree that it is crazy that he thinks you should be engaged with no marriage in sight and use what could be wedding money toward your ring and wedding. This is sooo strange. His priorities seem out of whack. You have to discuss this issue with him. Having a discussion as saying that he has to marry you on this date or else… This is a mess. Money should not prevent you both from getting married. By now, you could have been married in a small ceremony a few years ago already. Good luck…

Post # 23
Member
699 posts
Busy bee

Update OP?

I sort of think this sucks, he could have bought you another cheap ring you like, or gone searching and found something worth a hundred or so dollars, used or something… surely? I know the ring isn’t important, but his disregard for your feelings sure is. 

Also, you could elope or have a small courthouse wedding if he really wanted to. Where is the money to remodel the house coming from if he can’t get married?

Post # 25
Member
77 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

firstly, I am so sorry to hear about your father. My father has been diagnosed with a large tumor on the lung – we are currently waiting biopsy results, so I understand the pain you are feeling and the added stress that brings. It can make us more emotional and while others may say that it could cloud our judgement, I say it’s the very opposite. when tragedy strikes your family, it lets you see past all the bullsh*t and prioritising the important things in your life becomes clear and simple.

I’m late to this post, but having read through I’m so glad to see that you are standing up for yourself and making plans to ensure your independence regardless of what happens between the two of you. I’ve seen this situation happen to a few friends of mine (of both genders) and I can tell you, at least for them, they were all happier when they took control of their lives and the path they wanted to be on. None of them felt great and empowered when they initially made the change to their relationships – either through break ups or time outs – it was a bit of tough love on themselves. But a few years down the track they are all in loving relationships 

I really wish you all the best

Post # 26
Member
1068 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

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BeeBuffy:  Sorry to hear about your father’s illness, that is really tough.

I have to admit, after reading your most recent post, I have some questions. Questions like, how come you can save up $1,000 to get out, but not to contribute to a ring, relationship counselling or your own business costs? Why can you tell him in front of friends that you won’t be there in 10 years, but not sit down with him and have an adult conversation about your concerns and life goals? Is he even aware that by the time he is 35, it is bordering on too late for you two to have kids? And how come you can save up $7-8,000 to leave, but not for a wedding? Is this simply a reflection of the fact that you have both waited too long and you are mentally already done with the relationship?

I am all for walk dates given enough justification (and I think you have plenty), but any walk date should be proceeded by some hard and honest conversations, and I simply do not think you have done this with him. You two have some MAJOR communication issues and I strongly suggest you try a) getting some relationship counselling if you are unable to have this conversation on your own or b) at least get John Gottman’s “Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” for about $10 and work through it together. I also want you to answer some important questions, right now:

a) What is your timeline? Eg. In an ideal world, I would like to have a ring by X date, a wedding/marriage by Y date, and a child by Z date. What are those dates? Are they negotiable or are they set in stone for you?

b) You are clearly extremely hurt by your SO’s actions in refusing to prioritise your wedding or get you a second ring as a symbol of your love. Can this relationship be salvaged at this point, or are you done? Be honest.

c) What do you need or want your SO to know about how you are feeling right now? What actions would he have to do in order to put the relationship back on track?

d) Have you, at any point, sat down and told him your feelings and goals? Is he aware you are about to walk? And if not, how can you honestly communicate this without getting angry and accusatory? Will writing a letter help organise your thoughts and feelings? Will getting a neutral counsellor involved help?

Before throwing away a 10 year relationship, you NEED to communicate with him. Just expecting him to read your mind and do what you secretly want him to do is not going to work. By all means walk, but have the hard conversations first. You will have much fewer regrets that way.

Post # 27
Member
1228 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

I don’t think you should wait around forever, but I just want to emphasize how important I feel money is to a man’s confidence.  

Just among my friends and acquaintances, men seem to propose after reaching certain money milestones.  Maybe it’s graduating school or getting that work promotion, but it’s a sign that they can take care of a family one day.  Not all men of course, but I think a lot of men want the ability to give you a nice ring, a nice wedding, a vacation, health insurance, a nice place to live.  And until they can do that, they don’t have the confidence to move forward with marriage.  I know good intentions aren’t enough, but it seems like running a business that allows you to barely scrape by is depressing and could make a man feel like a failure and not worthy of marriage.    

Post # 29
Member
54 posts
Worker bee

I’m proud of you for coming to the conclusions you have. I think you’re taking steps in the right direction. For what it’s worth, I don’t know what state you’re in, but most states have a common-law marriage after about 6 years, and if you’ve been living with him for 5, by the time you save up to leave you might be intitled to some things. OR it could backfire and HE might be entitled to some of your things. If you feel like it, or have the time to do so, I would speak with a lawyer on the DL so you don’t get slapped in the face with a court order to surrender some of your hard earned shit to a man you’re leaving. Just food for thought. Big big hugs and I hope you’re feeling better about this.  Things will never be easy, but you’ll be doing something later in life, might as well be happy about it. 

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