Post # 1
Member
1371 posts
Bumble bee
More drama for my sister’s wedding! My sister is getting married in September and I had heard nothing from her Maid/Matron of Honor about a shower (there are also 2 other bridesmaids plus me). I messaged her on facebook and asked if she was planning on having one, and she said yes. We started planning a surprise shower for her. I told her everything was up to her and I didn’t want to step on her toes, but I would offer suggestions. We came up with a theme, one of the bridesmaids offered to host at her house. I had my mom sent off a guest list to the Maid/Matron of Honor who decided to invite people via an E-vite.
I suggested we have lots of games because that’s what my sister loves, and Maid/Matron of Honor agreed and said she “didn’t really have any ideas” and that I could handle that. Fine. I don’t mind coming up with the games. Then she didn’t send anything else. Since it is in a month, I wanted to get everything figured out. I sent out another message and said maybe for food we could do sandwiches, chips/dips, veg and fruit tray and cake. I decided that I would make all the sandwiches since that is the biggest task and I could get my mom to help me make them. Maid/Matron of Honor replied that she would bring “cupcakes”. Uhhh. . .YOU are supposed to be the one doing this shower! How do you think cupcakes is the only thing you should bring? She was notoriously cheap in another wedding she was in with my friend. I (extremely nicely) messaged back and said that it sounded great, but maybe she should do a full cake so we could write on it, and could she possibly bring some chips and dip too? I am coming from out of town (she is not) and the sandwiches are a big undertaking. The other BMs responded, one said she would do a fruit tray, chips/munchies and punch/drinks since she is the one hosting. The other is my little sister who might not be able to attend and said she would give me money for a pickle tray/drinks or whatever else needed to be done.
Maid/Matron of Honor responded saying she “wasn’t interested” in making a cake so someone else will have to do that. Since she will no longer be bringing cupcakes, WE needed to tell her something else to bring. And that two guests asked what they could bring and that we need to assign something to them too. First, I don’t want this to be potluck style, I just want the guests to come and enjoy. Second, her message was worded extremely rudely and really hurt my feelings. I’m not sure what to say back to her.
Post # 3
Member
2867 posts
Sugar bee
I think that a cake might be a big undertaking for someone inexperienced with that sort of thing. And maybe she can’t afford to purchase a nice cake? Maybe her finances can’t warrant such things..?
As for the message being worded rudely, could you elaborate? Maybe she was feeling defensive about your messages? I think that if she was supposed to plan it, then you should have let her b/c to me it seems like you’ve done alot already and maybe she had a different idea about how the shower was supposed to go. I don’t think it’ll be a huge deal not to have a cake, but if you feel upset about it then maybe purchase a sheet cake from a grocery.
Also, things are solved more simply when people do them face-to-face but I think you indicated you’re from out of town so that might be more difficult. Maybe the day prior, you could stay with your little sister so you can finalize everything the day prior.
Sorry if my wording is harsh, I kind of skimmed it and it does seem a bit harsh. Sorry, not my intention 🙁
Post # 4
Member
1371 posts
Bumble bee
@beekiss2 – She was not sending out any information or initiating anything, which is why I’ve been sending out the messages. None of us are well-off financially, but she does have a full-time job right now and is better off than both me and my younger sister (another BM). She offered to make cupcakes so I don’t see how making a 9×13 cake is any different! My mom said she has done rude things in the past and my friend had problems with her in the wedding they were in together (complaining about spending money, having to do things to help out etc).
My message said something along the lines of:
Cupcakes sound great! But maybe you could do a big cake instead so that we could write something on it? Just an idea! Also, I don’t want to impose, but maybe you could bring something else too? The sandwiches are just going to be a lot of work and it’s hard to transport a lot of food when I’m coming from out of town. Maybe you could bring chips and dip? I’m getting excited for the shower!
I don’t know, does that seem mean? Her message was just worded in a rude way. Both my sister and my mom read it and told me it was rude too. We live a 2 hour drive away and I don’t have her phone number so this is the only contact I have with her. 🙁
Post # 5
Member
29 posts
Newbee
I had a girl like this in my wedding and really I dont think she should be in the wedding. For the other girl she had to have the attention in the room or she wasnt happy. She made the bride and other BM’s miserable. Is she married already…maybe shes jealous? Or is she just plain lazy? For whatever the reason, since face-to-face isnt an option, I’d at least call her and get to the bottom of it. Find out why shes not participating as much as she should. There could be an underlying cause. As for the cake cupcakes are great for a shower! That way you can assemble them on a tray and put one letter on each mini-cake. Spell out congrats and put exclamations on the end. Draw a ring or wedding bell on them. Spell out their names and wedding date. Get a head count of how many is coming and count up the letters. It also a plus in the end, fewer dishes and clean up is a breeze.
Post # 6
Member
133 posts
Blushing bee
Actually, making a 9×13 cake is WAY easier than making cupcakes. You can buy a mix. You mix up the batter, you pour it in a greased 9X13 pan. You bake it. You ice it. That is about it.
I’m not really sure what to suggest to make it better. It sounds like she really doesn’t want to be involved. Maybe you could buy an inexpensive cake (for the writing) that is small and supplement it with her cupcakes?
Post # 7
Member
2474 posts
Buzzing bee
Honestly, you do sound like you are stepping on her toes. If you and your family want to have a shower for your sister with specific things in mind, then you should just throw one yourselves, especially if you feel like the Maid/Matron of Honor is incapable of handling it properly herself.
Post # 8
Member
455 posts
Helper bee
I would 300x rather make cupcakes than cake – and if I offered to bring cupcakes and was told to make a cake instead, I wouldn’t make the cake because I don’t feel confident in my ability to do so. So I don’t think her response there was unreasonable. Also, my feelings would be hurt (don’t know if hers are, but mine would be) – as I was offering to cover the dessert and was told my offerings weren’t good enough. Your email was super polite, but at the base of it you were telling her you didn’t like her idea. After that I’d probably turn passive agressive too and say “fine you tell me what you want me to do if I didn’t do a good enough idea”.
Clearly your sister knew the girl she was choosing as her MoH if they were in a wedding together previously, and she still chose her.
Also while I know you feel she should be chipping in more money – I really think money is a personal affair and we shouldn’t be instructing people how to spend theirs. Regardless of whether she has a full time job or not, she still gets to choose where all of her money goes.
I’m sure everything will be fine – showers are simple, nobody is expecting anything fancy I hope? As long as the bride is there and guests are there, it will be a fun party.
Post # 9
Member
1371 posts
Bumble bee
@Tulip – I’m just wondering if you could elaborate a little more? She told me to do the games (we both agreed my sister would want them), and hadn’t moved forward with plans so I asked what they wanted to do about food. I am worried about this so I’d like to know what I did wrong! I just want my sister’s shower to be nice and she is not getting on top of the planning at all. If she didn’t want to throw one, she could have said so.
@kartz – I think I am going to see if she’d like to trade with my sister and bring pickles/veggies and my sister can bring the cake. Hopefully this will appease her. I agree that a 9×13 is easier, I think she is just mad I suggested it.
@plaugher – She isn’t married and it could potentially be jealousy, but I think she’s just clueless about etiquette and parties. My mom said she invited my sister and some other friends over for a tea – and then made THEM bring all the food! It wasn’t like “come for a potluck”, it was full-on “I want to invite you all over and have a tea” and then later “you bring this and this.” She also complained about having to bring cupcakes to another wedding’s stag and doe (she was a BM) and that the bride gave them sheets of paper with instructions and itinerary about the wedding day. She complains constantly about everything.
Post # 10
Member
1371 posts
Bumble bee
@sasahbahs – I see what you’re saying about the cake. I didn’t really look at it from that perspective! The Maid/Matron of Honor was not in a wedding with my sister, she was in a wedding with my friend. The Maid/Matron of Honor complained about everything in the wedding to my sister, and my friend told me what was going on behind the scenes. She is my sister’s best friend, so I think she picked her based on that rather than on what she would do duty-wise for the wedding. She also called my mom and complained about the wedding being on a boat.
I understand money is personal, but she agreed to be in a wedding where she knows she will have to spend money for things (and she has been in more than one wedding before so she knew what she was in for). I just feel like if you’re hosting a shower you shouldn’t say “I’ll bring cupcakes and you can do all the rest”.
Post # 11
Member
1980 posts
Buzzing bee
If this is the MOH’s shower that *she* is throwing, you are definitely stepping on her toes. I understand that you want everything to be nice for your sister, but if you wanted to control every aspect of games/food/cake preferences, you could throw your sister your own shower. You need to back off a bit, or you are going to have some seriously hurt feelings.
Four years ago I was the Maid/Matron of Honor for my college roommate. She loved everything Ralph Lauren (we often joked about her addiction to Polo) and I threw her (tried to throw her) a Ralph Lauren themed shower. We did custom Polo horse invites, asked all the guests to bring a Ralph Lauren gift, ordered a cute Polo cake with tiny pink horses all over it. 3 weeks before the shower, the bride’s mom called me and told me the bride wanted a traditional shower and hated the Polo idea that I had put so much thought and work into. I cried and cried. That was basically the end of our friendship. I threw her the shower she requested, but I thought it was so rude at the time (and ungrateful).
You don’t get to dictate what type of shower you recieve, or decide what type of shower someone else throws for your friend or sister.
Post # 12
Member
2474 posts
Buzzing bee
Maybe I’m biased because I had a bad experience with my Future Mother-In-Law getting involved with my Maid/Matron of Honor in regards to a shower. I guess what I’m trying to say is that if your sister’s Maid/Matron of Honor wants to throw her a shower, let her do it her way. And if you don’t like how she’s handling it, then throw a shower yourself where you can be in control of all the aspects.
Maybe you put the Maid/Matron of Honor on the spot by even asking her about it. Maybe if she wanted your assistance she should have came to you first, rather than the other way around. I just think that if you want your sister’s shower to be perfect, then you and your mother should be the hosts.
Post # 13
Member
1371 posts
Bumble bee
@texaslawgirl – I get what you’re saying, but I am not dictating everything. Maid/Matron of Honor called me (she has my phone number, I don’t have hers) and we talked very early on. Bridesmaid or Best Man1 offered to host at her house. Maid/Matron of Honor decided to have the theme of “Date Night” and for everyone to bring date-themed gifts. I said that my sister loves games and Maid/Matron of Honor agreed, but said she didn’t know any so that I should plan them. I did not dictate this to her, she asked me specifically to do this.
Maid/Matron of Honor did not know who to invite, and my sister had sent an invite list to my mom for my aunt’s shower that my sister knows about (this one is a surprise). I suggested Maid/Matron of Honor call my mom to ask for help, which she thanked me for and then called my mom for help. She said she was worried about the shower since there was little time to plan it.
She then sent out the Evite. . .and said nothing to us. I finally sent out a message to her and the BMs saying that maybe we should figure out the food, what did they think about ________? I said if they liked the idea, I could bring sandwiches. She said it sounded good and then offered the cupcakes.
Post # 14
Member
1371 posts
Bumble bee
@Tulip – I guess I didn’t want to assume she wasn’t throwing a shower and throw one myself instead, since it is usually the Maid/Matron of Honor that throws the shower. If I was the Maid/Matron of Honor in a wedding and the Bridesmaid or Best Man just planned a shower without asking me if I was considering doing one I would be mad. She could have said no though, she an adult! Honestly she talked to both my mom and myself (both calls initiated by her, not us) and was really stressed about the shower and what to do, so I’ve been trying to offer her as much help as possible. I’m sorry you had a sucky shower experience before! That must have been so frustrating.
Post # 15
Member
406 posts
Helper bee
TexasLawGirl- My FDiL is a law student at Baylor. Go Bears:-)
Post # 16
Member
1371 posts
Bumble bee
@texaslawgirl – just to add, that is really crappy that your bride and her mom ruined that shower. Especially after you’d already planned it all!
