Post # 1
…so I’m about fed up with my Maid/Matron of Honor. Here’s the background story:
I was super lucky and found Ann Taylor dresses for $56 back in June for my February 28th wedding. Other than that purchase, I have only asked that my bridesmaids pay to get their hair done ($35 – a discounted rate b/c my fiance’s step-dad owns a salon). So that makes it about $100 that I am asking that they throw in. All of my bridesmaids are out of college and have a job, so even though they have student loans to pay off, I really tried to be money friendly–which I believe I have been.
Then comes my Maid/Matron of Honor. She complains that she had to spend money on the dress, then tells me that she doesn’t want to get her hair done to save money (I think it won’t look right if all the girls have their hair done except for her, sporting her frizzy mess of a head of hair). So, I told her (me, the girl who is freshly graduated WITHOUT A JOB) that I could cover her for the wedding.
Well, turns out that at the last second my FI’s parents backed out of giving us a crucial amount of money so that means I have to empty my savings account to make up for the difference. I send her an e-mail saying that I’m really feeling the pinch and if she could pick up the $35 for her hair, it would really help me. She wants to go halfzies. ::sigh::. To make it even worse, I know she just willingly spent $700 to fix her car when my Fiance could have done it for $300.
Then comes the most infuriating part. I guess my aunt offered to pay for her nails to get done. I didn’t know this–so when she e-mailied me about my aunts offer, I said that I wasn’t aware that my aunt made that offer and that I would check on it for her. She then proceeded to flip out (for some reason thought that I was saying that my aunt was taking back her offer) and call my aunt "crappy" and "rude." She originally wasn’t going to have her nails done because it was "too expensive."
Cut to her saying that I’m not being reasonable and I’m blowing this out of proportion.
I’m so done with this. Now my fiance is getting in on the action and wants to call her and "call her on her shit" tomorrow. Part of me wants this because I think I’ve been very patient with her cheap, high maintainence nature. The other part doesn’t want him to call because I don’t want to make waves with my Maid/Matron of Honor three weeks from my wedding.
Do you guys think I’m being unreasonable? Should I let my fiance make the call?
::sigh:: I don’t need this stress.
Post # 3
You’re definitely not being unreasonable! I would LOVE for my friends to have kept the budget this low for the wedding’s I’ve been in. That being said, I’m not so sure about letting the FH make the call. In my situation, it’d be fine, but my MoH and FH are really close friends. The three of us have been friends for years, so it’d be perfect for him to step in. But if they aren’t particularly close, it could make things worse. She could easily get more mad, and simply go on the defensive. A third party may be a good choice tho. If the FH isn’t someone who knows her well, do you have any other mutual friends that would be able to help out? She’s definitely definitely being very unreasonable, and you are being awesome about it so far. Last possible option, could your aunt pay for her hair instead and let her deal with her own nails? The hair would definitely make a bigger impact in the pictures, so if you have to leave one undone, that might be the way to go. I’m so sorry she’s making this stressful! *hugs*
Post # 4
My fiance is relatively close with her. They’ve known each other for years and they do consider each other ‘friends.’
I feel bad because I kind of want her to feel bad–I’ve been so good at not being ‘bridezilla’ but suddenly I feel my fangs and scales starting to surface!
My aunt is going to pay for her nails because she has a gift certificate. My aunt actually tried calling her today, also agreeing that she was being unreasonable, but she didn’t pick up. Surprise, surprise.
I wish I would have waited longer to pick my Maid/Matron of Honor.
Post # 5
I’m really sorry you have to go through this. It sounds like this girl and reality are going in opposite directions. You are completely right that she is being ridiculous. At this point, you have to decide how important the friendship is to you and how worth it is to call her on her crap (cause that’s what it is). I definitely wouldn’t let your fiance get involved. Things always get lost in translation when more people get involved. That being said, I would have a face to face or if that’s not possible a phone conversation with the Maid/Matron of Honor. Things handled by e-mail can be blown out of proportion and lack tone so people can read things into an e-mail that aren’t really there.
If you do decide to talk to her, in the conversation I would let the Maid/Matron of Honor know exactly what expenses you think are appropriate for her to pay – the dress for $56, the hair for $35, and anything else providing her with a complete total. And make sure she knows your aunt is still willing to help her with the manicure (if true) and that you didn’t know about the offer when you said something before. I would then explain that when you asked her to be Maid/Matron of Honor that it was because you valued her friendship and wanted her to be a part of something that you will remember forever and how important she is to you (its always good to flatter people). But when you asked her, you assumed she understood that she would have to pay for a few things herself and that you have gone out of your way to make everything as reasonable as humanly possible. and because of financial realities of you not having a job and having already spent your budgt allotment and saving for things to celebrate this occasion with your friends and family that you really can’t spend any more. Because you have a vision in mind for your wedding day which is appropriate and normal, and if she isn’t willing to pay for the hair appointment then she shouldn’t have agreed to be in the wedding in the first place. Mention how disappointed you will be if she continues to make the whole process all about her and ask her what she thinks the solution to the problem ought to be.
I am guessing/hoping that she will hear you and will realize she is being unreasonable. If not, maybe she will back out and you won’t have to worry about it. At the end of the day the most important thing is that you’ll be marrying the person you love and no matter what happens, nobody important will remember that this girl was a nutcase prior to the wedding.
Post # 6
I went through some similar issues with my moh. She ended up being the only one of my bm’s that didn’t get her hair or make-up done. She got her nails done with the rest of us, but not her toes (we all wore open toed shoes), and she refused to pay for the hotel room we all shared the night before the wedding. The crazy thing is that she has more money than me or any of my bm’s (her hubby is a lawyer, she is a teacher). I was very close to "firing" her, and right when I was about to call her to have "the talk", she called me to apologize for her behavior.
The long heart to heart talk was the best thing we did for our friendship and for the wedding. When having the heart to heart talk she revealed to me that her husbands law firm had not paid him in 2 months and they were struggling to keep things "status quo" on the outside. She was embarrassed to tell me this upfront and instead reacted to it negatively and took it out on others– specifically me. My bachelorette party suffered because of it as well, but as soon as I got the real info from her I understood where she was coming from.
We finally agreed that as long as she did her hair and make-up similar to the way the other girls were getting theirs done, then it didn’t matter that she did it herself. Everything turned out okay in the end, and she paid me back for the hotel a few months after the wedding when her husband found a job with a new firm.
I guess this was the round-about way for me to say that you need to sit down and have a good heart to heart with her (and maybe a few tears).
Post # 7
Usually, I admit, if a bride is insistent on her girls getting hair and makeup, I think she should pay. However, in this case if all you’ve asked is $56 for the dress, and $35 for the hair, I think she’s being a little unreasonable.
But I’m with Calicoteach, there might be something else going on. Also, did you have a shower? If so, do you know the details of it? Is it possible she put more money into it than maybe she should have? You said they have jobs, but also student loans. I understand that you don’t have a job, but keep in mind that isn’t their fault. If they are trying to pay off loans, they might feel poor too. And while I probably would have taken you up on the offer to have Fiance fix the car, she might not have wanted to get involved with friends, in case the car wasn’t fixed to her liking.
People in general can get pretty passive aggressive around wedding time, with jealousy, or nerves about the wedding or how life between friends will change after the wedding. (The list goes on…) Talk to her. Be honest and say that you are concerned why $35 is pushing her over the edge. It could be so many things. Good luck.
Post # 8
I don’t know if it’s appropriate for your fiancee to say something to her, but you definitely should (even if he is close to her, she is YOUR maid of honor). I think you need to be very frank and say to her: agreeing to be in a wedding means expecting to put out a bit of money for a dress, day-of beauty, a bridal shower, and presents. As a friend, you’ve tried to make it easy on her by finding a VERY reasonably priced dress and getting a big discount on hair. If that is something she can’t afford and is causing her so much stress, perhaps she will have to fulfill another role on the wedding day.
It sounds to me like she is looking for reasons out, picking fights over every little thing even when you’ve tried to make everything easy on her. So give it to her.
Post # 9
You know, if she doesn’t have the money she doesn’t have the money. I understand your concern, but if you don’t have the money either- well you’re at a stalemate. Yes, she spent money to have her car fixed but she probably needs a car and may feel uncomfortable having your fiance do it.
She may be just being difficult, but I live in Michigan and I understand how crappy the economy is right now. I would either find a new Maid/Matron of Honor or just go with the flow