(Closed) CHEAP Mother in Law…..

posted 7 years ago in Family
Post # 3
1843 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I think your Fiance needs to sit down and discuss the cultural differences with her.  Let her know that nobody is looking down on her or the American culture, but that your culture does things a different way.

As far as the headstone, yes, that is actually common practice (at least that’s what all my relatives have done).  When the first spouse dies, they put the other spouse’s name and birthdate on the headstone and then when they also pass, they will add the date of death.

Post # 4
1041 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

I agree with milesbella that maybe your Fiance needs to explain the cultural differences to his mom, so she can understand better where you and your family are comming from. But you and your family have to also understand that although weddings are important to many Americans, they may not be willing to spend an unlimted amount of money on one and maybe she wants to help you guys down the line with buying a house or something and maybe not spend so much on the wedding.

Its tough since both parents are contributing and clearly have different ideas of how much should be spent. Maybe Future Mother-In-Law shoulf just contribute an amount she is comfortable with, and anything over that amount that your parents want to pay for they can. Maybe something like that could make things a little easier for everyone?

Post # 5
7173 posts
Busy Beekeeper

Your family and his family have different priorities when it comes to money.  From what you said, I don’t see how she’s putting you down – other than stating it’s a lot of money to spend on one day (which is not a cultural issue, IMO).

The bigger issue is that it sounds like your Fiance feels the same way – that perhaps you should be more of a saver than a spender.  Since money can be a big issue for couples, I think it’s important for you guys to sit down and figure out how you’ll work out a budget, handle money, savings, spending, etc…. that’s for you and your husband to decide.  

Also – let your husband deal with his mother.  While your finances are none of her business, if he chooses to share them with her, you need to address that with HIM.  Telling your Future Mother-In-Law to butt out, will only cast you in a negative light and it’s really FI’s job to do that.

Post # 6
634 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

Maybe you and your Fiance need to compromise on this one instead of doing things your way/ your family’s way in regards to money. If she is footing some of the bill for the wedding then I think she does have a valid say as to what is spent.

Also, it doesn’t sound like you have much of a problem with her- it sounds like you and your Fiance are on different pages when it comes to money (especially considering he is agreeing with her on this rather than you). Both of you need to sort that out (agreeing on what is reasonable to spend on the wedding and in everyday life) or it might cause some issues later down the track.

Even though they have an opinion on you and money and you feel like they are ‘looking down on you and your family’ you are doing the same to them by calling them cheap. It just sounds like you all need to compromise on this, the wedding may be a bit cheaper and not be as ‘luxurious’ as you and your family want it to be but at least you and your future family will be starting off on a good foot.

Post # 7
3049 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 1991

She probably thinks that because you’re spending so much on the wedding.. you will be spending tons of money on frivilous things during everyday life. It’s none of her business either way. But I understand the concern in some ways. Your Fiance needs to tell her to back off a little. Typically, the bride is the one who gets her dream wedding. So if you want extravagance and can afford it… then she should not be telling you to do anything different. It’s not like she’s paying for it for goodness sake. My mom is definitely a saver so I get what you’re dealing with here. (Good thing she wants me to spend spend on my wedding though, I’m budgeting, but I don’t have to watch too carefully what I buy). Anyway, I hope it all works out. If it doesn’t work when Fiance tells her, feel free to tell her about your culture and what you want and simply ask her to respect those wishes!

Post # 8
445 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

 It’s great that your parents and his mom are both paying for it, but she’s maybe having some concerns with paying partly for all that luxury? If you’re saying she’s a saver, she might not like giving you so much money for the grand wedding you’re planning (if you scale down, she wouldn’t have to spend as much?).  Perhaps she sees you have expensive taste and is concerned for your financial future.  I think giving your Future Mother-In-Law an idea of how much your wedding will cost will put her at ease. 

Post # 9
2819 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

You need to discuss finances with your fiance NOW, BEFORE you get married. Nevermind the wedding finances — you need to talk about even the most basic day-to-day stuff.

Without getting into whether I think that your view towards weddings is right or wrong, I think that you need to stop calling his mother-in-law cheap. Like you said, she has her way of doing things and you have yours. Yes, you can request that she stay out of your financial debates with your future husband, but you cannot snipe about how she wants to save & look out for her family.

Post # 10
5110 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 2011

Families are different thats the way it is.. But you and your Fiance need to sit down and decide how finances are going to be when you two are married. That is nobody elses business!! Not your parents or his.. They need to stay out of it!! And the Mother-In-Law can shut her mouth about what your choosing for the wedding expecially if she is not paying for it. End of story…

Post # 11
363 posts
Helper bee

I can totally relate and could’ve written this post myself!!!  You just described my Mother-In-Law.  Ok, I’m not European, and SO is not American (we’re both Canadian) BUT we grew up with very different money values just like you guys.

SO’s family value when it comes to money is that being as cheap as you can is admirable, but spending money is wrong and shameful.  For my family (the way I grew up), being cheap is shameful. 

I’m going through very similar struggles as you. To give you an example, when I went for dinner at my in-laws awhile ago (we live in different cities so it doesn’t happen often), my Mother-In-Law kept the lights off to “save” electricity.  They are not struggling for money…and to me that was a foreign concept.  I could barely see my food!? It was the most annoying thing ever to eat in the dark with tiny little candles.  I couldn’t see SO’s face.  In my family, when we have guests, we give them the best that we have and try to make them as comfortable as possible, and my oh my we do not mention trying to “save” on something our guests *need* to use while they are there.  Anyway!  You get the picture.

I’m actually thankful that we live in different cities and only see them a few times a year. I don’t have to deal with this too often! SO and I have found our middle ground with the money differences (actually we are doing great at comprosing and don’t have an issue with it in our relationship/home), my problem is more when I have to spend time with them, that is when I get annoyed at our differences.  

Don’t get me wrong, I get along and try my very best to respect (and even accept) that we have different values.  However it’s hard when the Mother-In-Law steps on my turf and comments on my and SO’s life choices.  I think if it would get out of hand (and it has that potential to) a discussion would have to happen with the parents.

I’m right there with you!! This is a tough situation.


Post # 12
9824 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

I wanted to say, I relate. My Mother-In-Law is the queen of cheap, and my family loves to go out for dinner, take vacations and have fun. She thinks I’m “spoiled” because I like to buy brand name products instead of generic.

Post # 13
1046 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

You keep saying that she “looks down on you” but — aren’t you judging her in the same way? This doesn’t really sound like anyone’s fault, it instead sounds like your families have different values. I think it’s going to be very important for you and your fiance to discuss money issues before you get married –sounds like you were raised so differently and this won’t be the only time it comes up.

Post # 14
2907 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I understand, at least a little bit.


You need to talk to your fiance and your future mother in law a little bit, but sometimes a little bit of not talking about $$ is in order.


For example, my wedding dress is very expensive. My dad said, “how can we spend X on a wedding and have your dress look cheap in comparison?”

So, my mom said, ” the condition for us buying you this dress is you not telling anyone how much it cost.”


And when anyone asks how much, I will say “It cost less than it is worth to me.”

(I’m sure I’ll get a lot of flak for promoting deception… I am steeling myself for it.)

Post # 15
6 posts
  • Wedding: June 2014

AHA, I have a bit similart to your story, but unlucky for me, both of them Mother in law and Father in Law are Grand master Cheap Ultra Plus+++ (nickname that my fiancee and I gave it to them)

They dont even want to spend a penny for our wedding. And totally opposite with my culture, they’re from U.k and my family is Vietnamese who live in U.S.

And in the end,we have to got married in the court house (silent) and planning for a wedding later.

My fiancee’s doesnt have any money, but since I used his money to ordered the wedding accesories, as they know about it, straight aways, King of Cheap (FIL) when to google and search for the marriage contract in Texas, make sure I wont get nothing if we divorce later!

Money is everything to them, Never eat good food, King of cheap says to my Fiancee that He could buy 5 brand new Audi cars and pay cash ONCE,which you could see they’ve alot of money. 

Never give even a dollar to charity. Anytime,found out that my fiancee sent $10 monthly for cancer charity, straight away, both of them push him to call to that charity and cancel it.


Alot alot, and my relationship between me and them already broke, we hate each ohter like crazy, and never want to see their face again in my life.

Ony lucky thing that I have now is my fiancee, he isnt cheap, totally opposite than his parent. And he love me, which the main reason why I could stay until now. 


So, do be too bad huh? at least you were better than us by a long way.

Good luck to deal with it


Post # 16
6124 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

This doesn’t sound like a cultural difference becuase I could point out an American couple or a Canadian couple that have such different money values just like this.  It’s just a familial differences in money values,

My mom is cheap too, but she doesn’t have money so yes it would seem excessive to someone who doesn’t have money to spend money like that.  Just look at it  from other perspectives, not “this is how my parents do it.”

“In some cases that is great, but when it comes to looking down on me and my family, it really bothers me.”

So you and your Fiance do not share the same money values?  I think this is going to be a huge issue for your marriage.  It’s time to come to your own agreement together on money values, not what he was brought up with or you were brought up with – come up with something together, because our parents don’t always do it only way.

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