(Closed) Cheap relatives …please don’t judge! Hear me out

posted 10 years ago in Reception
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  • Post # 122
    Member
    1315 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: May 2011

    We’re budgeting for our wedding on the premise of paying for everything ourselves. Then, whatever cash we get (we don’t generally do registries here), will be essentially spending money for our honeymoon.

    People will generally bring something, but we’re trying not to anticipate, at all, if that makes sense. I’m trying to heavily weight our guest list to the people we love, rather than, for example, some extended family, not so close, but generous gifters. I want to enjoy my day with people we really care about and have fun with.

    I think, here at least, people gradually transitioned from gifts to cash gifts as society generally became aware how freakily expensive weddings are. In so many ways, at your wedding you’re introduced to your community as a married couple, a new family and cash gifts are people’s way of helping you get started, in a similar but perhaps moer practical way to bedlinen & kitchenware etc. Most couples having lived together pre-wedding, it makes sense that way too.

    Post # 124
    Member
    16 posts
    Newbee
    • Wedding: May 2010

    I understand what your asking. I just had my wedding and my bff had her in Jan. She barely got gifts from 30% of her guests and they were very large. We probably had about 75% of our guests give a gift, but the average was $40-$50, with a few $100. The only person who gave a wow, unexpected gift was my husbands mom. Since we paid for our wedding ourselves, and I wouldnt let her pay for the rehearsal since my family couldnt help, she gave us a $2,000 check for my summer tuition. 

    I wouldnt expect any overly generous people, maybe try to cut down on the price per person.

    Post # 125
    Member
    3979 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: January 2012

    I lived in Montreal (well Longueuil) for a year and I have family in QC. It’s completely correct that the guests often “cover their plate” with a monetary gift. I was in two bridal parties where at the end of the night the bride & groom were taking their cash from the cards & handing it over to family members that they had borrowed money from to pay for the wedding. I’ve also seen the co-ordinator rip into the cards at the end of the reception to pay the DJ. No one batted an eye over it…

    Life in Quebec is very different. They have their own customs & rules regarding etiquette. Quebec is part of North America, but it is truly its own little individual “nation” if you will.

    So to answer your original question: I doubt that any of your guests will “make up” for your cheap relatives though because it’s not their responsibility. And if they complain, just take it with a grain of salt. If you are depending on this money though, perhaps you should choose a less expensive dinner option? Best of luck to you 🙂

    Post # 126
    Member
    937 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: September 2010

    @ForeverYoung, you don’t need to keep explaining yourself. The beauty of the ‘Bee is that you are always going to find people who will disagree with you (or in some instances, crucify you)- just as much as you will find people who will agree with you. I got what you were saying, and I agree with you.

    I also agree with pretty much everything Twalila wrote as well. My wedding guest list runs the gamut from people who are financially disadvantaged to people who are wealthy. Any gifts will be received with sincere appreciation to anyone who gives them. But I totally get what  Twalila- and some of the other Bees here- were saying- there are people who DEFINITELY have it to give- but still choose not to. I think that is what the OP and the other similarly minded Bees were trying to say. We’re not talking about the financially struggling people, or the random neighbor you haven’t seen since you were 8- it’s the ones you KNOW are financially able and those closest to you- (as the OP indicated with her Aunts)- that yes, you are baffled when they choose not to give a gift, or give a gift that is so paltry it shocks you.

    I have always given generously, even when I really DIDN’T have it to give- because in my mind, it was the right thing to do. It may sound weird, but it’s part of how I’ve tried to show my friends and family how much I care about them. I have always been the one who remembers birthdays, the first one to show up at the hospital with a gift when someone has a baby. I was a bridesmaid in 7 weddings in 3 years- I have shelled out THOUSANDS and THOUSANDS of dollars on other people’s weddings, bridal showers, baby showers, etc.- so YES, I would absolutely be hurt if any of those people- who I KNOW are NOT financially struggling- stiffed me on a gift or gave me much less than what I KNOW they can afford. Not one of those people had a problem cashing my checks over the years.

    Post # 127
    Member
    145 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: September 2010

    YAY Monkeygirl ! As far as your last paragraph, I’m just like you ! I guess not everyone is like us, eh? (Yes “eh” is a Canadian thing 😉

    @ Foreveryoung, I hope you keep us posted. Maybe these cheap-o aunts will regret their cheapness but in the end, your day will be beautiful and you will be married and that’s all that counts 🙂 xo

    Post # 128
    Member
    143 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: September 2011

    I am jealous!  My area/our families don’t have that tradition, so we will be out a couple thousand (or more…) after paying for the wedding.  Usually, my family gives gifts that end up being somewhat useless…  We don’t have stag parties either – my Canadian friends have been explaining them to me.  Maybe we should move to Canada!  🙂

    As far as your issues, I would guess that some guests will be more generous to offset the cheap guests!  You can also take it as an opportunity to feel good about yourself, that you are a generous person!  (That is not meant to be sarcastic – you should feel good that you give an appropriate amount of money according to tradition.)

    Post # 129
    Member
    1066 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: September 2011

    I can’t believe how much this thread exploded!!! I’m so glad some of the other bees understand the OP, I completely agree with what you guys are saying!!! It’s crazy how it must be a Canadian thing, but we are Italian, and I always thought that’s why my family does it this way.

    I’m tired of the attitude and rude questions about our custom, we’re not just having a wedding to make money, as so many people insinuate!! NO, we will not hold it against people if they come to the wedding and truly can’t afford a gift, obviously there are exceptions, but when your parents and you have been going to weddings for years and years, and dishing out $300-$400 at each one, and then those same people come to your wedding, who CAN afford to give a gift, and then show up and give $50 for their family, THAT is where we have a problem. Because, as Monkeygirl pointed out, they had NO problems taking our money. You guys just think we’re out to make money on this wedding, meanwhile, you dont take into account that we have done this for other peoples’ weddings, so in the end, it evens out.

    As for knowing how much the plate costs, no one knows exactly, but you give something GENERAL, jeez people, you’re taking this too far. This is what we are used to, and there is nothing wrong with it, so please don’t criticize it. We like to help each other out with weddings because they are SO expensive!! This is all done so the bride and groom can start out their lives without huge debts over a wedding. It makes perfect sense to me!

    ForeverYoung, as for your “cheap” family members, remember what goes around comes around… I hope you’re not going to their weddings and being overly generous if they haven’t been that way for you.

    Post # 131
    Member
    145 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: September 2010

    Yay Europomme ! I am Italian too, enough said, eh?

    Oh, excpet one thing about people “not knowing how much the B & G “paid for the plates” — come on now people ! As if you don’t know if you are attending a line dance wedding with beer in plastic cups or a formal affair at a nice venue?

    Let’s all just get along now 🙂

    Post # 132
    Member
    4122 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: October 2010

    I almost wore Georgia. My parents were really pulling for her but I chose Megan instead 😡 Georgia is an AWESOME gown!!!!! 

    (I can’t understand why this blew up either. I saw a few of the page 1 comments yesterday and I felt so bad for you… Sometimes, things get taken way out of proportion, people read between lines, or don’t read all the comments…)

    But yay for Pronovias Brides! Did you post it in the Pronovias bride’s dress thread? 

    Pronovias Brides – Dresses!!!

    Post # 133
    Member
    382 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: October 2010

    Honey, I get that it’s the norm where you are from. Here in Japan it is normal for couples to break even, they normally are given $200 or $300 in cash as a gift.

    But it is not the norm everywhere and for the MAJORITY of people on here, we are paying for it all and expect to be minus thousands and thousands of dollars; some people even go into debt. So you cannot expect a lot of sympathy about this when you look at your core audience, as it were. Perhaps try the Montreal board for something a little more positive, if that’s the local custom? 

    I am sorry you are getting bashed for this Frown

    Post # 134
    Member
    1066 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: September 2011

    [email protected] Bee Bee, no wonder I could relate to your posts so well!!!!  🙂

    Post # 135
    Member
    1066 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: September 2011

    xoxo kristin, I get what you’re saying, but thats WHY she was so detailed in her original post about it being a local thing, etc etc, to avoid these types of comments, yet people, still jumped all over her!

    Post # 136
    Member
    232 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: May 2010

    I know weddings aren’t about the gifts and stuff, but for folks that would have been pissed if we didn’t invite them, they were quite cheap.  A few relatives didn’t give anything (gift or even a card), though they certainly made sure to get their drink and food.  Fortunately, I won’t have to deal with many of these folks again; a good amount of folks didn’t cover any costs.

    But a few of our friends, who should know better and have been to many events, a lot of them didn’t come close to covering and a handful didn’t get us so much as a card – and many were folks we’ve known for some time.  My solution for that is we aren’t planning on inviting them to any major life events…

    The topic ‘Cheap relatives …please don’t judge! Hear me out’ is closed to new replies.

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