Post # 1
Member
104 posts
Blushing bee
I apologize if this is lengthy, I’m partially venting because I don’t know how to deal with this. Any thoughts or input would be welcome. Thanks bees 🙂
My ex and I were together four years. I’m East Indian (born in Canada), and he is Caucasian (born in Canada as well). I have non-typical Indian parents, who don’t care who we marry and just want us to be with whoever makes us happy. I don’t live at home, I have my own apartment and it’s not a big deal. Parents loved him and he was always welcome in their home. Our parents met each other and got along amazingly. Earlier, we’d talked about interracial dating, because I had received a few weird comments when I was with my ex before him. He said he didn’t care and saw no issues, especially because I’m not that traditional, and if we got married we can incorporate both cultures into our wedding, lives, and kids. Sometimes he would make jokes that I’m “less Canadian” than him but when I told him that was a stupid joke, he would say he was totally kidding, and that it was only funny because it’s not true.
When my cousin got married in an Indian wedding, BF couldn’t come, so I showed him pictures. He alternated between not being interested, and making fun of the clothes/decor/ceremonies etc. I thought he was kidding around but it still bugged me a little. Anyway when he started getting distant, he revealed he was worried we wouldn’t work due to “cultural differences”. I was confused because on a day-to-day basis, we are not different at ALL. I don’t do anything “cultural” often enough to make him think that. My family is like anybody’s family. I explained this but he said he was worried that I might possibly get more in touch with my culture and “force it on our kids” I have no idea where he got this from because I’d never force anything , just like my parents didn’t force anything on me. He said when he is at my parents, he “feels weird because he’s the only one who is not Indian and it makes him uncomfortable” Honestly, nobody EVER did anything to make him feel weird, we’d eat dinner and hang out and talk and laugh. Isn’t that what everybody does? We all speak fluent English, and don’t do anything out of the norm. When I was with his family, I was the only non-white person, and that never bothered me! His response was “you are used to being a visible minority but I am not so it feels weird for me”. He said if we had kids, he would “feel weird because our kids would be half-Indian so he’d be the only white one in the family”. We started talking through this, but then he cheated on me and left me for her. He broke up with me through email. He said he realized he can’t be with someone “so different from himself” and that he wants to spend his life with someone “more like him”. He said he was “pissed at me for pretending I wasn’t into my culture when I actually am, which misled him” What?? I never pretended to not be into my culture, nor did I suddenly do anything to make him think I’d become super traditional. I do have respect for my culture and certain traditions but am also extremely proud to be Canadian. I don’t think that means I can’t date someone who is not east Indian. It was bizarre and hurt a lot.
Anyway I’m working through my hurt about the cheating and the lying. It’s hard but I’m getting there. What’s bothering me still is the comments about my race/culture/family. I sometimes feel resentful that I got cheated on and broken up with over something I can’t control – my race. I always thought I was just as Canadian as anybody else born in Canada but apparently I was wrong. I’ve felt proud that I have a mix of Canadian and Indian traditions, but I just feel sad about it now, like it’s something that makes me different and unwanted. I think it’s stupid to date someone based on their race, and not on what you have in common. I’m also not traditional at all so I often have less in common with some East Indian men. I always see couples who are two different ethnicities, and wonder, “they can make it work but we couldn’t, when I’m not even different in any significant way”? It’s just something I’m really struggling with now.
Does anyone have any advice for how I can work through these feelings? Thank you so much.
Post # 2
Member
2251 posts
Buzzing bee
This has nothing to do with your ethnicity. He is an asshole! I’m sorry your heart is breaking, but he is not worth your tears. Be thankful that you’re not gonna marry an asshole. You deserve so much better!
Post # 3
Member
3434 posts
Sugar bee
He is an asshole. End of story. You don’t need to do anything differently.
Post # 4
Member
149 posts
Blushing bee
He’s an asshole. You and your family did not do anything wrong. He was just a coward that used that as an excuse to do what he did. I’m sorry bee. You will find better!
Post # 5
Member
325 posts
Helper bee
He’s a disgusting asshole. You’ve won in the end. You do not want to be tied to someone like that.
Post # 6
Member
265 posts
Helper bee
I’m so sorry you had to deal with this.
Please know that his breaking up with you had NOTHING to do with you. It had to do with his own racism, bigotry, prejudices, etc. These other interracial couples you see that are making it work – it’s not because the non-white person is pretending to be “typically white” and walking on eggshells to make the white person more comfortable – it’s because both people in the relationship respect and appreciate the other person for who they are. They aren’t scared of their differences, they celebrate both the differences and the similarities, and they aren’t blinded by prejudices.
Your ex was an awful person. There was nothing you could have done to change that. Be proud of who you are, and be thankful you finally found out who he truly is before your lives became even more entangled.
You sound like a lovely person, I am sure you will find someone who is wonderful and will love you for everything that you are.
Post # 7
Member
6873 posts
Busy Beekeeper
He’s just a bigot at best… consider this a bullet dodged – after all, he might have ‘forced’ his personal beliefs on your children too, and who’d want that? My only advice is to find someone who is either genuinely interested in your background or doesn’t even notice it. Next time a guy “jokes” about how you are different, mark him off your list.
Post # 8
Member
948 posts
Busy bee
It sounds to me like he was looking for an excuse to get out rather than just being upfront about meeting someone new. He is a jerk and will likely treat the next girlfriend the same way. So sorry you are going through this!
Post # 9
Member
1188 posts
Bumble bee
I think he’s using your ethnicity as an excuse, which is both cowardly and disgusting. You and your family sound wonderful and accepting – I hope you find the happiness your parents are wishing for you!
Post # 10
Member
1119 posts
Bumble bee
I’ll switch it up and say he’s a racist dick. To him it was about your ethnicity and his inability to move past seeing you as a real person and not just your melanin content.
You’re better off without him and I wish you all the best moving forward.
Post # 11
Member
2871 posts
Sugar bee
“Cheated on due to ex being a bigoted cheater”
there. FTFY
bee, he showed signs of racism and bigotry early but I don’t fault you for wanting to believe the best in your partner.Â
What worked for me is having a zero tolerance policy on bigotry and racism. Sure, it might just be ignorance but I’m not required to educate my partners.Â
Post # 12
Member
1714 posts
Bumble bee
yup, agree with PP.
I think it was just an excuse to not be the bad guy. Like, “it’s not you. It sure ain’t me. It’s this race thing, you know.”
Seriously, laziest excuse ever and shows how willing he is to benefit from privilege.
Consider yourself lucky you found out just how much of a bigot jerk he is now and not later.
Post # 13
Member
3865 posts
Honey bee
- Wedding: April 2017 - City, State
He sounds like absolute garbage. I’m sorry you are hurting from this but PPs are right, you dodged a massive bullet and he did you a favor by putting his tail between his legs and scurrying away. You deserve better than someone who can’t accept who you’ve been the entire duration of your relationship.
Post # 14
Member
3028 posts
Sugar bee
He’s disgusting and his behavior is appalling. I would be so glad to have dodged that bullet and to have not had kids with someone so hateful.
I know it will take you time to heal as it would anyone having been in such a manipulative situation (him being the manipulative one). Allow yourself to feel what you need to and express yourself how you need to. Fall back on family for support because that’s what they are there for. Above all else, remember you’re beautiful, strong, and amazing…as is your culture. Anyone worth loving and sharing a life with will say the same.
My Fiance and I are interracial and I just could never fathom looking at someone the way your partner has expressed. As a pp said, there is no sense when it comes to bigotry.
Post # 15
Member
11376 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
pammylammy: you didn’t get cheated on because of your ethnicity. You got cheated on because you were dating a douchebag cheater who tried to justify his cheating by blaming you/your ethnicity.
In other words, he did you a favor; he is a total loser.