- 5 years ago
I apologize if this is lengthy, I’m partially venting because I don’t know how to deal with this. Any thoughts or input would be welcome. Thanks bees 🙂
My ex and I were together four years. I’m East Indian (born in Canada), and he is Caucasian (born in Canada as well). I have non-typical Indian parents, who don’t care who we marry and just want us to be with whoever makes us happy. I don’t live at home, I have my own apartment and it’s not a big deal. Parents loved him and he was always welcome in their home. Our parents met each other and got along amazingly. Earlier, we’d talked about interracial dating, because I had received a few weird comments when I was with my ex before him. He said he didn’t care and saw no issues, especially because I’m not that traditional, and if we got married we can incorporate both cultures into our wedding, lives, and kids. Sometimes he would make jokes that I’m “less Canadian” than him but when I told him that was a stupid joke, he would say he was totally kidding, and that it was only funny because it’s not true.
When my cousin got married in an Indian wedding, BF couldn’t come, so I showed him pictures. He alternated between not being interested, and making fun of the clothes/decor/ceremonies etc. I thought he was kidding around but it still bugged me a little. Anyway when he started getting distant, he revealed he was worried we wouldn’t work due to “cultural differences”. I was confused because on a day-to-day basis, we are not different at ALL. I don’t do anything “cultural” often enough to make him think that. My family is like anybody’s family. I explained this but he said he was worried that I might possibly get more in touch with my culture and “force it on our kids” I have no idea where he got this from because I’d never force anything , just like my parents didn’t force anything on me. He said when he is at my parents, he “feels weird because he’s the only one who is not Indian and it makes him uncomfortable” Honestly, nobody EVER did anything to make him feel weird, we’d eat dinner and hang out and talk and laugh. Isn’t that what everybody does? We all speak fluent English, and don’t do anything out of the norm. When I was with his family, I was the only non-white person, and that never bothered me! His response was “you are used to being a visible minority but I am not so it feels weird for me”. He said if we had kids, he would “feel weird because our kids would be half-Indian so he’d be the only white one in the family”. We started talking through this, but then he cheated on me and left me for her. He broke up with me through email. He said he realized he can’t be with someone “so different from himself” and that he wants to spend his life with someone “more like him”. He said he was “pissed at me for pretending I wasn’t into my culture when I actually am, which misled him” What?? I never pretended to not be into my culture, nor did I suddenly do anything to make him think I’d become super traditional. I do have respect for my culture and certain traditions but am also extremely proud to be Canadian. I don’t think that means I can’t date someone who is not east Indian. It was bizarre and hurt a lot.
Anyway I’m working through my hurt about the cheating and the lying. It’s hard but I’m getting there. What’s bothering me still is the comments about my race/culture/family. I sometimes feel resentful that I got cheated on and broken up with over something I can’t control – my race. I always thought I was just as Canadian as anybody else born in Canada but apparently I was wrong. I’ve felt proud that I have a mix of Canadian and Indian traditions, but I just feel sad about it now, like it’s something that makes me different and unwanted. I think it’s stupid to date someone based on their race, and not on what you have in common. I’m also not traditional at all so I often have less in common with some East Indian men. I always see couples who are two different ethnicities, and wonder, “they can make it work but we couldn’t, when I’m not even different in any significant way”? It’s just something I’m really struggling with now.
Does anyone have any advice for how I can work through these feelings? Thank you so much.