Post # 1
I found out three months ago that my fiance of 12 years had been cheating on me for the last 4 years and had even got engaged to her too! I found out when I found a text message on his phone. He is very ashamed of himself, swears he will never do it again, has promised to move heaven and earth for me. We are still together and I am trying to make it work. He wants to get married straight away – I think it’s because he thinks it will prove to me that he is serious about making things good again.
It was over betweeen him and the other woman when I found out but I am finding it very hard to cope with the knowledge of what he did to me. I am getting better but when I get down I find it almost impossible to deal with the grief.
I think I am in the worst position – he knew what he was doing and now feels better that he can just openly commit to me, she can hate him as she has no contact with him now but I have to live with him, love him and hate him all at the same time as trying to deal with my grief.
We are both in our 50s with grown up kids or our own. I am now having to lie to my family as they wouldn’t understand me still being with him. I am planning to tell my family after new year.
Has anyone else been in a similar position and made it work?
Post # 3
You’d be a fool to stay with a man that spent a quarter of your relationship cheating on you.
Post # 4
@Glw: So sorry this happened, but I think you are crazy to stay with a man that cheated on you for 4 years to the point of being engaged to 2 women. He’s obviously a skilled liar, having pulled that off there are probably others that you didn’t happen to find out about and never will.
Having been cheated on myself in the past I know the denial you are going through and the blinders you have on currently. I understand the shame and embarrassment, the illogical desire to pretend this was a one time thing, and the false comfort you get by telling yourself he chose you at the end. I even understand not wanting to admit that you’ve wasted 12 years on this man.
The truth is that it wasn’t a one-time thing, it went on for 4 years. He’ll continue to choose you since he knows you’ll put up with it, and you will continue to lose your self-respect and self-esteem along the way. And the only thing worse than wasting 12 years on him is wasting 12 years and one day.
As embarrassing as the situation feels to you, the truth is the people who love you most are your family and friends, and you should trust them to be honest with you. If they will tell you to leave him it is because they can see clearly what you cannot – that staying in this relationshp is not in your best interest. Listen to them, they have your best interest at heart, your Fiance does not. They can see the situation for what it is, you currently cannot, but with time you will.
Post # 6
OP, not only did he cheat on you, he was ENGAGED to another woman. Clearly the idea of marriage is not something he takes seriously, and the fact that he cheated on you for FOUR years is huge! You deserve SO much better. This guy is an ass.
Post # 7
Calling the OP names or labeling her crazy is not helpful.
That said, I do agree with reebee (minus the first sentence). This man has shown himself to be completely unworthy of your love and trust. The reason he wants to marry you so badly is so that you’ll feel trapped – he knows full well that he’s a louse and you deserve much better, and he’s just hoping that you’ll marry him before YOU realize it. If he was being truly loving, he’d give you all the space you need to work through this instead of pressuring you (not that I would advise working through it – he’s a serial cheater, and those leopards DON’T change their spots, at least not in a relationship they’ve already betrayed).
Please check out the boards at http://www.survivinginfidelity.com. The folks there are really helpful in the immediate aftermath of discovery. They helped me when my first marriage disintegrated.
Post # 8
@pink lantern: +1
To me, trust is a huge factor. If I found out my SO had been cheating on me for 4 years of our relationship and was even engaged to this woman, there would be no way for me to be able to trust him enough to stay.
Try counseling, if he will agree.
I’m sorry this is happening to you. Best of luck.
Post # 9
I was just about to edit and say that it sounds like he wants to marry her so she can’t just leave. You hit the nail on the head. It’s got nothing to do with him wanting to ‘prove’ anything . What is it he’d be trying to prove by rushing into a marriage so quickly after this? That he’s suddenly changed? That he is ready to commit? Nah, he’s had 12 years for all that. I think he’s pushing for it now because he’s worried you might realize he’s a pig and leave his sorry ass. I think he just wants you to marry him right now so that you’re ‘stuck’.
Post # 10
@pink lantern: Yup, sorry for your circumstances as I know you probably hope it will all work out but this. Do not stay with a man who carried on an affair (and got engaged to both of you!). Add on that he only likely stopped as SHE ended it, and only confessed when caught!
You did not have a choice in his affair but you do have a choice in how you choose to deal with it. This man is NOT worth it. He is inauthentic, untrustworthy, disrespectful, unloving, dishonest, unfaithful. You deserve more. Much more. That you feel ashamed of telling family shows me how even you do not feel staying is the right choice. Your family would rightly be angry at him!
What would you tell your own daughter or son if they were you?
I second the recommendation to the Surviving Infidelity boards.
Post # 11
I’m so sorry you are going through this. In most cases of cheating, the guy gets drunk and makes a huge mistake and even then, a lot of women can’t move on (I think I’d be the same). I don’t mean to downplay that act of cheating, but I think four years of a serious relationship is a whole diff story due to extreme emotional cheating. He had 4 years to think about what he was doing and only chose to come clean when you found a text. that fact would personally hurt me more than the actual cheating. Even thaw situation of you holding off telling your family for fear of their reaction is a red flag. Those are the people who love you and want the best for you.
Please do not get married to try to “Fix” this. If you really want to make this work (it is ultimately your decision) I think you both need to go through some serious counseling together to work through this as opposed to pushing it under the rug and trying to get over it.
Good luck in whatever you choose to do and stay strong.
Post # 12
oh honey, just DTMF already.
Post # 13
- Wedding: May 2013 - Walt Disney World
OP, hugs to you! I don’t have experience with this but my mother (who is in her mid-50s) is going through a divorce right now with my dad, who cheated on her and now has two small children as a result. It is very hard to go through and she is always second-guessing herself. She knows ending the relationship legally is the right thing to do but she loves him still (I do get frustrated with her at times because he hasn’t lived at home for a few years now and is essentially playing house with the other woman). It will take time, but I do think getting married right away is not the solution to the problem. Counseling, time apart, re-evaluating your relationship should all be done before you decide to get married. The ball is in your court and you are steering the ship. Make it clear that he isn’t getting off scot-free with what he did. Regaining trust is a long road, if that is what you want.
To the others, calling the OP names is definitely not helpful, and will only succeed in making her feel worse.
Post # 14
this is your only post on this account. are you going anon? i’m hoping to god that this is a prank – because i can’t imagine anyone actually having this dilemma (when the answer is so clear). on the off chance this is for real – leave.
Post # 15
@Glw: First off, HUGS to you, because this sucks and you don’t deserve it.
Second, no. Just no. Walk away. Cheating is WRONG. 4 years is not a drunken mistake or an error made after a huge fight with you or something… it’s FOUR YEARS! And he was ENGAGED to her! And he didn’t even come clean to you. He only confessed because he’d been caught. I don’t know if I could ever forgive infidelty, but I *DO* know that if I was even going to consider it, the prerequisit would be that HE confessed before I found out. Cheating destroys the trust enough; not owning up to it until you’re screwed makes it worse.
Post # 16
Oh wow. Leave. This isn’t a man that takes any relationship seriously.