(Closed) Cheated with an ex, contemplating leaving my husband. Please help

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 4
Member
9614 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

J loves you.  You do not love him.  Please come clean with him about all this.  It’s so unfair to him. 

And being so desperately unhappy, as you are, also isn’t good for you.  Your marriage is broken, and you know when J finds out it’s over. 

I am hurting for you because I know you’re experiencing a lot of pain right now.  I’m not judging you.  You are going to need a lot of support going forward.

Do you see a future with C?

Post # 5
Member
97 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I think you should have him read everything you just wrote! You need to be honest, and maybe having it written rather than spoken will avoid his childish response. Regardless, he needs to know how you feel and be given some time to think if he (and you) want to work on this and move forward or not.

Whatever you end up doing, I wish you luck, I’m sorry for what you’re going through!

Post # 6
Member
81 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

@Undercover1234:  I have kind of been in a similar situation, although I was not married, which obviously makes it different. My first college boyfriend, also J, acted in a similar way. I was also 19 at the time, he was my first real relationship, and about a year in I felt completely smothered by him. I found myself not going out with my new friends at college because he didn’t really have many friends and wanted to spend all of his free time with me. Eventually I felt like I was choking and decided to spend the summer abroad. I ended up cheating on him multiple times (not proud) and we broke up. It was the best decision ever. I can’t imagine for one second being married to him today. 

Now as I said yourI situation is different because you are married, I just wanted to let you know that I empathize with your feelings. It sounds like you are unhappy in your marriage, regardless of your feelings for C. Despite everyone “loving” your DH, I think you need to leave him. Life is short, not worth being so unhappy. Not sure you should go running right to C though, take some time for yourself to be alone and discover who you really are. 

Post # 7
Member
513 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I agree with Sunfire in that you do not love J….however, I am not really sure he loves you either with the way he ‘keeps’ you (but then there is always 3 sides to every story – Yours, His and the Truth and I can only comment on what YOU have told us) and the feelings you have for C could just be a ‘mask’ to get you out of the situation you find yourself in. 

The bottom line is that your life is not just going to improve with J, you need to decide if this is how you want the rest of your life to be?? if not then you need to take some Positive action steps to change it and ‘cheating’ physical or emotional is NOT positive or healthy to ANY party involved. 

I think you need to at least be honest with J and consider getting some professional help for yourself to be able to work through where your REAL feelings for life lie….Life is for living so if you feel you are not then it is time to make some changes…

Post # 8
Member
5664 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

I feel sad reading this because you are being so unfair to YOURSELF. Everything you say is about how everyone else will feel about it, is it fair to turn HIS life upside down, everyone else will be so disappointed, your daily life is “fine” etc…. Don’t you deserve to enjoy your own life? To be your own person and do what you want to do? A partner should never hold you back from what you need or want, their responsibility is to put themselves aside for you, and you for them, and to do things that are for the greater good of the relationship. And if we are talking about his feelings and what is fair, its not really fair to him for you to stay married to him under false pretenses and when you clearly are not in love with him.

Aside from wether or not C is who you should be with, you shoud really think about if you really want this marriage period. I don’t think you “Should” be making it work, you SHOULD be figuring out what you want and doing that. You should be thinking about wether or not this is the life YOU want, wether he can make you happy, wether or not this is where you want to be for the rest of your life. 

I can understand being scared to leave, and feeling like you have “nothing” but you obviously have family that hopefully will support any decision you make. And people make great lives with a lot less, it may be difficult but you are talking about the rest of your life here, the most difficult things are always worth doing. it doesn’t sound to me like you are happy with this guy at all, it actually doesn’t sound like you have EVER been happy with him, you sound stuck just like you said, and he sounds clingy and selfish.

Whatever you do, I really wish you luck and I hope that you make the right decision for yourself!

Post # 9
Member
1438 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

Turn his life upside down? girl you never had a “life” with him! you cant even get a good job because of him. he was holding you back on so many things, someone you care about shouldnt be doing that. I agree with the PP, tell him everything you just wrote on here. you arent happy with your married life, getting out of it & starting fresh is probably your best option.

Goodluck!!

Post # 10
Member
962 posts
Busy bee

It’s up to you to leave or not, but in my opinion there are two things you should do (1)  cut of ALL contact with C as long as you are still married to J (2) do NOT tell J about C or the affair in any way. Many may disagree with #2, but, honestly, what is telling your husband about your indisretions going to except hurt him just to relieve some of your own guilt. sometimes telling the whole truth is not the kindest thing to do. If you leave your husband don’t throw this other guy’s name into the mix. If you stay with your husband, never ever talk to this man again, remain faithful from here on out and don’t ever mention what you did with C. Telling J about C will only really hurt J in an effort to relieve your own guilty mind. I’m all for telling the truth, except when doing so would cause even more harm to someone who has already been wronged. 

 

Also, please note I’m not saying you should stay in an unhealthy marriage. I’m just saying that you don’t need to rub salt on the wound by letting him know you fooled around with another man

Post # 11
Member
989 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

You don’t have to be married to J if you don’t want to be.  You have choices.

Post # 12
Member
679 posts
Busy bee

@Sunfire:  I agree with you that it seems as though J loves her, and she doesn’t love him; at least, she is not IN LOVE with him. However, I don’t think that J loves her in a healthy way, at least not based on what she has posted. That doesn’t excuse cheating, there’s never an excuse to cheat, but taking the cheating out of the equation, I think the relationship sounds toxic anyway.

@Undercover1234:  Yes, you have messed things up pretty badly. From what you wrote, it seems glaringly obvious that even if you don’t think your day-to-day relationship with J is “bad,” you aren’t happy with it, either. J seems very controlling and manipulative and that’s not cool. Unfortunately, as you know, that doesn’t justify cheating, it just means you need to get out of the relationship – and not by using cheating as an out.

If you started dating J when you were 17 and it’s been 6 years, then by my calculations you are only 23. You’ve still got your whole life ahead of you. Do you want to spend it resenting J for all of your missed opportunities? You could get out now and have plenty of time to live your life the way you want to, and maybe, eventually, settle down again.

The cheating is sort of neither here nor there at this point. You could tell J and let that information end the relationship, or, you could just tell J you want out and he would never need to know about the cheating.

But please don’t stay in the relationship with J and rationalize it by telling yourself that your guilt and your unhappiness with him are your punishments for cheating. That’s just not fair to either one of you.

Post # 13
Member
1141 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

Your really not being fair to J. While he sounds possibly controlling, it just does not give you an excuse to cheat. I think you should decide what you really want weather it be to be by yourself for awhile or to stay married, it just isn’t fair to keep him in the dark if your going to continue to cheat. I understand you got married to young,believe me. Maybe you should write something to all the eighteen year old on here from your perspective. ( I am going to get in trouble for this).

Post # 14
Member
2117 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I disagree that “J loves you.” I think J sounds really controlling and, honestly, he scares the carp out of me from what I’ve read.

 

I suggest seeing a counselor privately to really address your relationship with J and what’s going on there.

Post # 15
Member
930 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

 He has NEVER validated my feelings or emotions or made me feel as though it’s okay to even HAVE feelings or emotions. He is not an emotional person himself and I suppose he doesn’t want me to be either.

Honestly? Your J sounds like a needy control freak. Taking C out of the equation, it sounds like you are unhappy with the way your life is going in general.

IMO this sums it up:

I SO DESPERATELY long to have something that is just MINE.

Then girl, it’s time to take your life back. One of the things I’m learning about be married, is that it’s not fair to either of you to change who/what the other one is. I assure you, he will not change. If you want something different for your life, then you’ve got to go…

Post # 16
Member
91 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

Gosh.

It doesn’t sound like J loves her as much as he loves having someone to control. You don’t have to be mean or physically abusive to be controlling. With that said…do you really love C or do you simply see him  as a way out/better than J?

You have three options in my mind:

1. Stay with J, cut C off, never breathe a word of this to J and get counseling to sort through your feelings and J’s behavior because it’s scary. Overall, you don’t sound happy with J. C or no C.

2. Leave J and start up with C, but I will caution you that things are different when you can actually be around one another and aren’t simply lusting/sneaking about.

3. Leave them both alone and spend some time having fun and getting to know the real Undercover. Don’t worry about what people think because you can’t change it.

 

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