(Closed) Cheated with an ex, contemplating leaving my husband. Please help

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 17
Member
1111 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

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@inky_1:  I agree.  J’s actions don’t sound like love; they sound selfish and controlling.  I’m not saying that excuses the OP’s cheating, as cheating is an inappropriate response to feeling smothered and unhappy.  But I don’t think it’s fair to say, or as simple as saying, “J loves you, you don’t love him.”

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@Undercover1234:  I think you should see a counselor, either with J or without him.  I think without him, at least inititally, will be good for you, so you can get to know yourself first.  If you decide you want to work on your marriage, you should go to counseling together at some point.  But get your head on straight and work on your issues first.  Figure out what YOU want.

Also, try to stop worrying about what other people will think if you leave J.  This is your life to live, not theirs.

Post # 18
Member
214 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I would not even begin to judge you. I would say however in an ideal world you should finish one relationship before you start another one. Life is not always like this.

Sounds like you didn’t really have time by yourself, to be you, being in a serious relationship from very young and going from what you have said, you missed this.

I would  suggest you do that now, be honest with J, let him know the reality of the situation and brace yourself for the fallout.

As for C, if you believe you have a real future, give yourself time to heal before rushing into things. This could be the start of something or it could simply be a sign that things are over with J. He has had a place in your marriage he shouldn’t of had. Figure out your boundaries and what you ACTUALLY want.

Take time to figure out what you want, be clear about your next step. Wish you the best of luck. It will not be easy for you. Be compassionate to J and remember to be kind to yourself.

Post # 19
Member
3569 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

First of all the most important thing is too take ownership of your own behavior. YOu had the ability to stop this and you didn’t. I can’t tell but reading between the lines his behavior seems like textbook examples of being an abuser and manipulative. Isolating you, making you dependdant on him and all that.

The second thing you need to do is take C completely out of the equation. Tell him you need to focus on your marraige and you cannot speak to him at all. Even if you decide to leave J. YOu need to take time and focus on yourself and leaving with as much respect and dignity possible.

Even if it means moving in with a friend or family, you need to make a plan find a job if you don’t have one, and take concrete steps in gaining your indpendance from him. People are human and make mistakes. Take the proper steps to end marraige if you want too, before persusing anything with anyone else. Then for good measure just spend some quality time with yourself.

Post # 20
Member
5657 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

I actually tend to agree with 

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@jackndiane in that honesty is not ALWAYS the best policy because I don’t think its fair to relieve your guilt over your poor actions by dumping it on someone else, it just hurts them. I neer understood the “I feel so bad about cheating so I’m going to tell so n so even though I know I’ll never do it again”. What does that do except absolve you of your guilt? Must be nice right? At the same time it’s unfair to not let the person BEING cheated on make their own decision regarding whether or not they want to be with you after such an indiscretion. I ride the fence on this particular issue a lot… 

That being said you have to decide yourself whether you should or should not tell him.

Post # 21
Member
9948 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

Agree with what

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@inky_1: wrote…

I disagree that “J loves you.” I think J sounds really controlling and, honestly, he scares the carp out of me from what I’ve read.

I suggest seeing a counselor privately to really address your relationship with J and what’s going on there.

As a woman who was in an Emmotionally Abusive Relationship (and beyond), I totally agree… it does sound like your Husband has some distinct characteristics that put him beyond controlling…

Such as seeing you ONLY his (even BEFORE you ever met him) – Doesn’t want you to achieve anything beyond him – Has you isolated from your Friends & Family – Sulks, Cries, and is condesending when you try to tell him about your life, wishes and dreams etc.

These are BIG RED FLAGS for me.

He is for lack of a better term using your own feelings against you.. EMMOTIONAL ABUSE

Also, if you have no access to money… then he is FINANCIALLY ABUSING you as well (in order to hold you back – keep you in your place – indebted to him)

And also the whole “lets have SEX thing” after he found out you were cheating on him… which consequently put you into a horrible state… this is extremely telling as someone who knows a lot about this topic…

THIS IS SEXUAL ABUSE !!

I do not advise you to drop all this in his lap… and come clean with him in regards to your feelings and what has been going on.

That could be quite dangerous, infact.

Therefore… I advise you go see a Woman’s Counsellor that specializes in Abused Women so you can better understand what your Husband is all about.

A Womans Centre / Counsellor can help you make a plan on how to get out of this relationship without the consequences of futher abuse (particularly PHYSICAL ABUSE).

I am honestly very scared for your well-being…

Reaching out here on WBee is a good first step…

BUT Please go get some help in the real world asap.

(( HUGS ))

PS… As I have been in your shoes let me add the following.  You are a wonderful person no doubt with a lot to give the world.  This man is holding that back.  He has a twisted view of love… this isn’t love.  TRUE LOVE is about wanting the best for your partner… seeing them succeed.  Honouring them, cherishing them, holding their feelings dear.  It is not about isolating them, or making them feel bad (and it most certainly is not about controlling them emmotionally, or financially).  AND never would it be about shaming them, or punishing them, or using emmotional blackmail to maniupulate their feelings or sexuality (that last bit is well, not only wierd… it is really really sick)

There is nothing to be guilty of… you are a smart girl.  Your mind is trying desperately to find a way out of this mess… which is why you have reconnected with C.  He too might not be the right man for you, but your brain is smart enough to know that something needs to be done to get out of this doomed relationship… just that emmotionally you have been so beat down that you cannot walk out on your own.

This is where a counsellor can help you.  They can help you see the strength within in you to make the decisions you need to get on your feet again.  Counsellors at these Womens Centres are great… very compassionate. Many have been in your shoes themselves.  They know how hard it is to leave.  They can help you.  Reach out to them… 5 years from now you’ll wonder what you ever saw in your Ex… when you are in a much more happy and healthy relationship

 

Post # 22
Member
1041 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

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@jackndiane:  Completly agree. This needs to be about your relationship with your husband, not about this other man. He is a symptom of the problem. Like jackndiane said, if you want to avoid any further hurt to him, you have two choices. 1.) Divorce him, and give all the previously mentioned examples as reasons or 2.) Stop cheating and figure out the other problems with your marriage through counseling/better communication. In neither circumstance should you say you cheated, unless you feel it will benefit the situation. I know my opinion may be different than others, but finding out someone has cheated on you can make you feel inadequate as a person for years. Essentially, you are taking the guilt off your self, and putting it unto another person, so that they have to feel that pain.

I also think you need to stop being so hard on yourself. You made terrible choices, but that does not make you a terrible person. You have the same right to pursue happiness as everyone else. I can honestly tell you that I know what you are going through right now, so PM me if you want to talk.

Try to keep in mind that in this situation, every choice will seem like a bad one. Even the most logical one’s can feel wrong at times. All you can do is your best.

Post # 23
Member
236 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Your post sounds like you already know what you need to do.  You just might need to leave your husband.  Yes, marriage vows will be broken, people will talk, and people will get hurt. But if this goes on any longer, the whole situation will become even more complicated and hurtful to all three parties involved. You can’t live like this. You need to approach him.   Let him read this post if you have a hard time making him see your side.  

After you and he talk, listen to what he has to say.  It sounds like he may try to convince you to stay. What you decide is up to you, but I would not stay without him agreeing to couples therapy.  Again, based on what you have written, this marriage has been broken from the start.

Questions for you:

Do you think he can change?

After all this, can you ever fall back in love with him?

If these answers are no, I don’t see a way to save the marriage

Post # 24
Member
236 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

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@Follydust321:  

“Try to keep in mind that in this situation, every choice will seem like a bad one. Even the most logical one’s can feel wrong at times. All you can do is your best.”

So true.  There will be NO easy choice in your situation

Post # 25
Member
7899 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2012 - Pelican Grand Beach Resort

If you are unhappy being married to J, then don’t stay married to him. I don’t see how this relationship could get better.

Post # 26
Member
4272 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

I don’t think either man is right for you to be honest.

Post # 27
Member
386 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Taking “C” out of the equation what you ar describing sounds more to me like  Psychological abuse (emotional or mental). You will not get anywhere in this relationship without counselling. please get yourself some help before it is too late. This man is stifling you.  

He is a control freak and he is scaring the hell out of me. 

 

Post # 28
Member
863 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013 - Old Stone House in Brookyn

Take the other guy out of the equation for now and think about what you need to be satisfied in your life BESIDES a relationship. You hinted at quite a few things in your OP – traveling, having a career, having girlfriends and going out on the weekends, etc. I think you need to honestly present that to your husband and show him how your current relationship is preventing you from being happy.

If he really does love you, he will give you the space and encouragement you need to find satisfaction without leaving the marriage or seeking affection from someone else. If he puts controlling you above your happiness… this is not someone you want to be with regardless of C.

Post # 29
Member
1574 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

J loves having a wife he can control. Now some women are fine with that, but it is obviously driving you crazy. It would drive me stark raving mad. Personally, I would walk away from that kind of relationship but PLEASE give yourself some time to experience some freedom and do not jump into another serious relationship – rebound relationships often suck in the long run.

Post # 30
Member
202 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I think you need to take a step back and start figuring out what you want. I agree with previous posters that you need to leave both J and C. C sounds like filler… and J sounds controlling and abusive. I’m not saying that the way that J treats you is your fault by any means, but you have got to stop letting him walk all over you and your feelings. I think before anything, you need to cut off ties with C immediately and go see a counsilor… on your own. Don’t take J… hell don’t even tell J if you can. I think you need a professional to help you get your confidence back and to not be so dependent on J. Then once you are on your feet a little bit more you can decide if it’s really worth staying and working it out or leaving. I think J has too much of a hold on you right now for you to make a safe/rational decision.

Post # 31
Member
385 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

I also worry for your well being. His behavior sounds like something out of Law and Order or Desperate Housewives. He sounds like a controlling, abusive psychopath and he honestly scares me.

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