(Closed) Cheated with an ex, contemplating leaving my husband. Please help

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 32
Member
3367 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2011

Go get your life. 

Don’t consider what your family will think, what J will thing, or what C will think.

The trap you’re stuck in is your well-intentioned, but stifling concern for what everyone around you needs from you… and you’ll never feel satisfied with ANYONE until you are able to think for yourself.  J will get over it and so will your family.  Things with C might begin to feel less intense when you finally get to discover what you want from life.

Be bold. 

Post # 33
Member
804 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

Leave J, but do NOT start a serious relationship with C or move in with C until some time passes and you have a clear path in life, both personally and professionally. You are not happy, so why continue to not be happy? Is this going to be difficult? You betcha. Are you going to be tempted to stay just to make the problem submerge again? Yes. But don’t.

 

And come clean to J about everything. However, just remember that this isn’t really about your feelings toward C, but your feelings toward J and your relationship.

Post # 34
Member
1713 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2016

Though I have never cheated on any of my ex’s, J sounds a LOT like a more level-headed version of my ex, which is incredibly scary (and my ex was a lot less supportive of my life plans, a lot more emotionally blackmailing, it was a mess…). He had a foul temper, was very dogmatic, and just a nasty piece of work on the whole. I’m so glad I’m done with him for good.

I would come clean. And talk with him. But once you’ve done that, I think you do need to start to build a life for yourself, get back in touch with old friends, etc. And kind of reorganise yourself a little bit.

Post # 35
Member
1092 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I think it’s time to be honest with your husband. He’ll be blindsided but he’ll recover. You both will. 

Post # 36
Member
6255 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2014

Please, whatever you do, don’t continue to cheat.

That said, there’s nothing wrong with realizing a relationship isn’t right, and finding one that is right for you. Cheating once isn’t technically *right* but it can be a sign. Cheating more than once is cowardice, and trying to have your cake and eat it too. You need to either honor your vows or get a divorce, because J, while he sounds like he isn’t really right for you, hasn’t done anything to deserve being stepped out on like this. What he does deserve is a woman who loves him. If that’s you, you need to never speak to C again in the same hard-line, cold-turkey way an alcoholic must never have a drink again. If that woman isn’t you, you need to have a long talk and sign the papers.

But first you need to be alone for a little while, IMO. You need to figure out whether what you enjoy about C is that he is C, or whether it’s because he’s exciting/forbidden/not J.

I would recommend taking a long weekend away. Go camping, or to a hotel, or even to your parents’ house if possible. But don’t tell EITHER of them where you’re going. Spend the whole weekend thinking about what you need to do. Make your pro-con list, or whatever you need to do to help you make decisions. But clear your head. You’re not going to be able to do that in your marital home. Don’t go on Facebook and don’t answer the phone. Just think.

I was in a simllar predicament once. I wasn’t able to get any time off work to go away, so I would take long, late night drives to clear my head. I never went anywhere, but the middle of nowhere was quiet enough that I gradually began to hear the little voice inside me telling me what it was that I needed to do. Good luck.

Post # 37
Member
9940 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

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@AnAppleA_Day:  You’ve made a lot of very good points!

Post # 38
Member
1826 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

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@This Time Round:  This!!!!! I have been there and done that…please get help!

Post # 39
Member
4474 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

Honestly, this all sounds like the consequences of getting in too deep when you were too young to have a real sense of self.  Your husband sounds controlling, but he didn’t stop you from all the opportunities you missed out on – you let him do that.  You’re only around 23.  You’re very young, and throughout life we all make such mistakes.  The beautiful thing is you’ve got plenty of time to make life better for yourself.  It sounds like the best thing you could do is leave him and live life on your own for a bit.  Jumping into a new relationship with C right now is not something I’d recommend.  I think you need to figure out who you are, accomplish things on your own for a while.  It seems like so much of your identity has been wrapped up in J all these years you haven’t had the chance to establish your own.  

Post # 40
Member
4474 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

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@EffieTrinket:  I think you’ve made some really good suggestions.

Post # 41
Member
189 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@Undercover1234:  To me, it sounds like you’re using C as an excuse to leave J- so I’m not really going to delve into that situation.  So you regret having settled down early and feel like you missed out on a lot of life experiences.  Which is fair because it seems like you did.  However, I bet there are a lot of girls who got married young who don’t feel like that.  Dating and sleeping around aside (because you can get married older and still not do that), I think the main difference between them and you is that they have continued to grow in their relationships, it doesn’t seem like you have.

To be completely honest, you don’t sound like you have a partnership, it sounds like you have a parent.  You said something about how he didn’t let you do anything- but I wonder if maybe you’ve been scared to do things on your own so you let him control you?  Remember, he can only control you if you let him.  You’ve always had the opportunity to make a different decision.  I may be wrong, but it doesn’t sound like he’s actually scary or abusive.  Maybe you’ve been using him as an excuse/crutch not to live for these past years, and maybe your little bud is getting ready to bloom. (lol.)

There’s nothing wrong with not wanting to be with someone.  You probably shouldn’t have married him, but you did.  Now you can do something about it.  Either embrace the relationship and work on it or get out. Either way, work on yourself.  I think happiness and fulfillment is largely self-created.

Whatever decision you make, be brave.

Post # 42
Member
110 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

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@bricon:  i agree 100 percent

 

Post # 43
Member
207 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

I agree with everything that has been said. You have spent so much of your life pleasing him. It’s time to do things for yourself. I hope you have people who can support you, and you’ll have support here as well. You deserve to have someone who can listen to you and who doesn’t make you have sex with him as punishment and as a way for you to make things up to him. Since you met so young, it makes sense that maybe this seems normal, but I’m glad that you can look to other relationships (such as with C) to see that this controlling behavior is abusive. One of the signs of abuse is isolation from friends so that the SO can only look to the abuser for support. You’ve lost out on friends and opportunities, which is not your fault and can change! I also hope the word “abuse” doesn’t scare you, but it’s important you know that this is not right and that your feelings are legitimate and your concerns are very valid. You’ve got so many things to look forward to. Good luck!

Post # 44
Member
1849 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I think you two are just completely wrong for each other, regardless of who is more at fault. He shouldn’t have behaved in ways that made you feel trapped and like your feelings were not important, and you shouldn’t have continued your relationship into marriage or cheated multiple times. It sounds like you have lots of reasons why he’s making you unhappy, which is fine, but you don’t need to list reasons if it’s this obvious how wrong you two are for each other.  I don’t know your husband’s version of the whole story, so I would definitely hesitate to call him abusive and an awful person (everyone deserves their day in proverbial court), but that’s not what’s the most important. Women no longer have to prove that their spouses are abusive and awful to be granted a divorce. At no point in time was it outside your abilities to end this relationship, nor is it now. The only thing I would recommend, aside from PPs’ great sugestions about suspending your other relationship and being alone for a while, is to claim responsibility for the things you shouldn’t have done and the things you should have done instead. You can’t fix him or his problems, so it’s a waste of your precious time and energy to dwell on it, but you can definitely work on your own personal growth, and it will be easier to move on and get closure. I hope everything eventually works out for the best for everyone involved.

Post # 45
Member
205 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

your family loves J but do you? It sounds like you’re doing what is right, but not what you want. 

Post # 46
Member
3622 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

It sounds like you should leave your husband. It sounds like he doesn’t take you seriously, and you’re very unhappy. Don’t worry about what your family will think.

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