(Closed) Cheated with an ex, contemplating leaving my husband. Please help

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 63
Member
1111 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

@Undercover1234:  As I suspected, this man is abusive.  You don’t need to have the shit beaten out of you to be a victim of abuse.  He is manipulative and controlling, and that is NOT OKAY.  Take care of you and leave!  You’ve got one life to live.  Don’t waste it on him.

Just for the record, forcing you to have sex with him or give him a blow job under any circumstances is NOT “just a man thing.”  No one should ever, EVER force their partner to do that, and if he really thinks it’s okay, he’s fucked up.  (He probably doesn’t think it’s okay; he just knows he can get away with it.)

ETA: Don’t let J make you feel like you’re crazy when you talk about your issues with him.  He will likely try to twist the facts and manipulate you into thinking YOU’RE the problem and he’s the voice of reason.  Don’t let him do this!

Post # 64
Member
10018 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@Undercover1234:   OMG, he forces you to have sex with him to give you permission to do anything?!  That is flat out abuse.  It is NOT a man thing.  A real man would never, ever treat a woman that way.

So sad for you, reading this update!!!   I hope you can find your way out of this and to some peace.  Please don’t let him control you so much any more.  You should be able to have your own spending money and do whatever you want to do – you’re not a prisoner! 

Post # 65
Member
684 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2010

@Sunfire:  This!

He is an abusive control freak. You deserve better!

Post # 66
Member
6256 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2014

I’ll lend another voice to the OPs saying that that isn’t just a “man thing”. My man NEVER EVER EVER does that. In fact, though I had one boyfriend who would get kind of whiny when he felt he wasn’t getting enough, I’ve never had a significant other who would try and control me sexually in any way even APPROACHING this. If what you’re saying is true and not an exaggeration, you should not be having to put up with this, and it is abusive. If by chance you do wind up deciding to stay with J., you two NEED to get counseling. That shouldn’t be at all negotiable. If he refuses, leave–this relationship can’t work until he realizes what he is doing, and hears from a professional third party that it isn’t right and must stop.

Post # 67
Member
40 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2012

your husband sounds too controlling and you are obv not happy. you need to move on with your life and let your husband move on with his. he’s prob not a bad guy. you guys were just too young. he doesn’t deserve to be cheated on. tell him the truth and live your life the way you want. 

Post # 68
Member
280 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I strongly, strongly recommend leaving immediately, and absolutely not waiting to see if he gets the job across the country and then using that as an excuse.  As others have said, he is abusing you, and as tough as it might be, you have to get out.  Do you have family members you could stay with for awhile?  Somehow I have a suspicion that if your parents knew that J forced you to have sex with him anytime you wanted to do anything or go somewhere, they would not be as big of fans of him as they are, and would welcome you to stay with them until you get things started up. Be honest with yourself, and your family, and J.  

Post # 69
Member
413 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Can you stay with your family, I know they love him and would be dissapointed but I’m sure at least a few of them would understand if they knew how miserable you are? And I don’t think you should say you are staying behind to “figure things out.” I think you should have your things packed one day when he gets home and have a friend or family member there for support (you will be suprised at how quickly old friends will rise to the occasion) and say you are unhappy in this relationship and not willing to work it out. Tell him you do not want to have  communication other than divorce related stuff for a while and if he does not respect that block his phone number. Good luck and I believe you can be strong.

Post # 70
Member
413 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Oh, and btw it’s ok if you sound crazy. 

Post # 71
Member
413 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Maybe if you have someone there for support tell him you are leaving a letter to explain to save you both from the embarrassment. 

Post # 72
Member
679 posts
Busy bee

I’ll echo the PPs. If what you’re saying about J is all 100% true, with no exaggerations, he is absolutely, without a doubt, abusing you. Sexually and emotionally.

I’m going to completely disregard C and the cheating for the purposes of the advice I’m about to give. (By saying I’m disregarding it, I’m not saying it is justified because of J’s abuse. I’m just saying it has no relevance to what you need to do next. Getting out of the relationship with J would be necessary even if you hadn’t cheated.)

OK, so here’s my personal opinion on what your next steps should be. Get all of your shit in order. You said you already sat down and crunched the numbers in terms of finances, and that’s a good place to start. Make sure you have all of your money in your own account, which J has no access to. Figure out anything physical/material that is legally yours, and write it down. Make sure you know where all of your important documents are located and that you have immediate access to them – birth certificate, social security card, passport, etc. Then, talk to someone IRL that you think you can trust. Tell that person that you may need their help/support in the near future. Set up a place where you can stay if you do have to leave without warning, or even a place you can stay if you have a planned time to leave but just can’t find or afford anything else before you move out. After you do that, find a counselor and schedule an appointment. Having that appointment in place, whether it be before or after you leave J, will be immensely helpful.

Finally, when you talk to J, I think you should definitely leave out any information about C and your indiscretion. I know you said he isn’t violent, but why make him angry (or angrier) if it isn’t absolutely necessary? And, don’t even bother telling him that you’re unhappy and want to leave because he “does this and this and this.” Unless you want to try and work on the relationship, then telling him exactly why you’re leaving won’t make a difference. And, as a master manipulator, he may be able to use what you say about him, twist it around, blame you, convince you to stay, etc. Don’t even give him that ammunition. Just stay strong and keep repeating that you’re sorry, you rushed into the relationship and marriage to young, and you are unhappy and want out. That’s it. Just keep telling him that. And then leave.

I know you say your parents absolutely love him, and here’s the thing. Emotionally abusive people and manipulators have this sort of charisma for the people they aren’t abusing. They know exactly how to act and what to say to come off as charming and wonderful. I feel very certain that if you were to relay to your parents what you’ve told us, leaving out the cheating part, they’d be GLAD to have J out of your life. So please don’t worry about being judged by others.

This is a terrible, messy, unhappy situation all-around, but it’s not the end of the world. It’ll suck while you’re going through it, but you have no other choice, unless you want to continue being abused for the rest of your life. The sooner you take control, the sooner you’ll start getting your life back on track. You are young. This whole debacle will recede into ancient history eventually, and by that point, you’ll have re-established yourself and you’ll be happy and look back and think “Man, that sucked, but I learned a lot about myself and things are great now.”

Best of luck.

Post # 73
Member
367 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

Every person who ever ended this kind of relationship was scared. Scared that they were making a mistake, scared that they would be alone, scared they couldn’t afford it, scared they wouldn’t find someon else…

If anything, know that in your fears, you are not alone. A lot of us have been there too and we came out on the end happy and healthy and better than ever!

The good news is that fear can be overcome. The mistake is staying. Being alone is GOOD and HEALTHY if you’re happy on your own, which I promise you, you can be, and it is such a liberating experience. It sounds as if you’ve looked at your financial situation and you can make that work too; it may be hard work, but I believe you can do it. I also think you should also cut C from your life simply because he’s a part of this situation, but that’s a decision only you can make. 

You have to believe in yourself enough to overcome everything. Talk with your family and friends. Reach out for emotional support. Above all, as scary as it is (and a bit of tough love speaking here), but YOU have to start taking responsibility for your choices and past mistakes. You know now you should have walked long ago and fulfilled your dreams – take ownership of that now and make the change. You’re young, it is certainly not too late to get all the things you’ve dreamed of!

Good luck and please keep us posted!

Post # 74
Member
4430 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

There’s nothing I can say that hasn’t been said…but your update scares me.  That is definitely abuse. 

I hope you settle this sooner than later, and please do not wait to find out if he is getting the job across country first…

 

Post # 75
Member
1575 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

@ohmybears48:  You know, I rarely say anything about what other people post, I usually reply only to the OP. But I am unable to contain myself with the statement

“You cheated. End of story. It doesn’t matter what your husband did to you. You cheated.”

It doesn’t matter what her husband did to her? It sure as hell does matter what her husband did to her! Now I am going to shut up because I am sure I would be tossed off of WB if I fully expressed what I thought about that statement..

Post # 76
Member
4430 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@KT808:  I agree 100% that post was very thoughtless.

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