MemberI totally agree with the other PPs who said to try and get J to agree on counsiling together. Also, it may not hurt to talk with a personal banker about seeing if you could afford your own place, maybe even set up your own savings account. That way if J doesn’t agree to work on this and things don’t improve, you have a safety net for yourself.
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Member24 is still so young. You have your entire life ahead of you and you deserve to be HAPPY! Regardless of what you may have done wrong with C, the marriage is still not a healthy marriage and it sounds like you really know in your heart what you need to do. Good Luck!
MemberI havent read all the comments so I’m sorry if I repeat things.
Firstly I wanted to share my experience about my ex. He would belittle my feelings or brush them off. He didn’t like me going out, not even to the shop, but would expect me to cook and clean. And he always felt the need to “protect me” from the big bad world (drink etc). We were together 4 years but broke up then got back together a few months later because I thought that it was “right” and he loved me and I’d never find anyone else (a belief he instilled in me our whole relationship) he used to say “no one will ever love you like I do”. These words and my exs behaviour was emotionally abusive, manipulative, and controlling.
After 6 years, I left. I tried talking to him about our problems, but he was having none of it, brushed it aside saying “once we get married it’ll be better”. So as soon as he left for work I packed my things and left, it was a 10 hour drive back to my parents. I’ve spoken to him since but I haven’t seen him in the 5 years since I left. It was the hardest but best thing I have ever done.
Had I not been so young, I would have married him. Definitely. I postponed a lot of “life” things because of him.
I wonder if you have a similar relationship with J. You admit you ignored the signs. The thing with C sounds like a “way out”, whether you love C as well as finding comfort with him, I don’t know. I think J loves you, but perhaps in a warped way, the only way he knows how.
You shouldn’t feel like you need to rely on him. You have to be strong, as hard as that is. I think you know what to do. Be the bigger person, you should have left before you cheated. You’re still young, and could find a whole lot of love ahead of you (whether it’s C or someoe else). Don’t live a life of misery.
MemberYo. It’s time you started waking up and living. You’ve spent 7 years being too scared of taking action to change something you hate. Ready to sign up for another 50-60 years of that? Bringing kids into that? I don’t know if J is a bad guy–he may have just developed this way of relating to you because you’ve never told him what you really want, and how you really feel. Maybe with another girl he’d be a different partner, but in the relationship you two share this is the day-to-day reality: he is not being the husband you need him to be. You actively fantasize about running away from him. You picture doing it when he’s not home so that you can escape. You were more excited to talk to a friend than to marry J.
If your family knew this, perhaps they’d be telling you the same thing: you have 2 choices, 1. Tell J you need to tell him the truth (not about the affair really, but your feelings about your marriage and his way of relating to you) and go into counseling immediately or you’re leaving him, or 2. leave J immediately (and divulge all the stuff about your feelings of being trapped, desperate, and spending years fantasizing how to escape him, to you family).
The issues with C are peripheral. Your marriage (and relationship before your marriage) is currently broken. You say basically ‘well, he’s a good guy, he provides for me, he doesn’t hit me/scream at me, he loves me’…but that isn’t what makes a marriage work. You’re young, you have 60 good years left to make up for these 7. Get to work.
MemberI too believe that perhaps J loves me in the only way he knows how. I don’t think he’ll see it this way at first, but I think he needs time to “find himself” as much as I do. I was his VERY first girlfriend…first kiss, first everything. I am, 100%, all he knows. I did have a few boyfriends before him, even though they were silly high school ones. I feel like neither of us had a chance to see what else could be out there for us. We set the “norms” of our relationship when we were 17/18 and didn’t know what we were doing, and that just doesn’t work in a healthy, adult relationship.
Again, I’m so sorry that I can’t respond to each of you individually but trust me, I have read every word written and have taken it all to heart. Thank you all so much, your words have instilled a bit of confidence in me that I didn’t possess before.
This morning I deactivated my Facebook account. I think that will help me to get my mind off C, at least I won’t have to see his pictures, etc. I won’t be contacting him again any time soon…I feel a little uncomfortable anyway because the fact that I am married seemed to really eat at him and make him feel guilty…I feel kind of bad for that. Anyway, I won’t be contacting him or telling him ANY of my plans, so now I feel that I have time to focus on myself and get everything in order.
ETA: I thought I would add one more thing about C. I do care for him and feel as though I have romantic feelings for him, but I know that part of this could be that I like the attention. I’ll admit that, I do. He’s dated a lot of women since me, very attractive ones at that, and it is flattering that I am the one his thoughts always return to. I know this is a screwed up way of thinking, which is why I completely understand the need for me to just be by myself and “do me” for a while. Maybe something will happen with us in the future, maybe not.
MemberJ sounds abusive. The fact he gets upset over one drink and keeps you away from friends is a huge red flag. I dont have any advice on how to seperate finances or anythign but I hope you can figure out a way to get out and be free. *HUG*
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