Post # 1
Regular bee going into hiding for obvious reasons.
I need some advice.. I know judgment will follow and I am prepared for it. I am going to give as little detail about myself and the relationship because I fear that bees on here will recognize me.
My fiance and I have been together for 6 years and have been engaged a few months. Out of those 6 years, we have lived together with a roommate (we will call him Joe) for 3 of the years. Joe is a good friend of FIs.
Joe and I have become close friends as well and it is not unusual for the 3 of us to do things together.
Two Friday nights ago, Fiance was at a going away party for a colleague. I had no interest in joining so I stayed home and Joe was home too. We drank wine, ordered food and watched TV. After about 4 bottles of wine split between us, something happened and we kissed. I obviously didn’t plan on this happening, but it did.
I left the common area immediately and felt sick to my stomach. Joe tried talking but I wasn’t having it.
I knew what I had to do and told Fiance first thing in the morning (I was asleep by the time he got home.) We had a long talk and have agreed to try and move past things. I have zero feelings for Joe and do not know what I made such a stupid, selfish decision.
Things have (obviously) not been the same since. Fiance is mean, cold, and rude. I don’t blame him. But, I wonder if we are now doomed. Should I give him time or should I walk away? I don’t really feel I deserve him anymore and don’t know if we can ever bounce back.
Please help me.
Post # 2
whathaveidone : Why was Joe living with you? I have nothing against have roommates, I myself had a roommate prior to meeting my husband and my roommate lived with us for a while prior to moving out because we wanted to be fair and give him enought time to find a new place and move out. Other than that there is no way a Joe would be living with us.
Post # 3
- Wedding: September 2005 - A Castle
Are you really wanting to get past it and stay together or are you looking for a way out?
Post # 4
pinkcorsage : We are saving for a house and a wedding. Our apartment is massive and we never minded have a roommate.
Post # 5
dracarys : I want more than anything to get past this. I know I deserve to be punished for a while but I am worried that it will go on forever and it will be thrown in my face forever.
Post # 6
- Wedding: September 2005 - A Castle
whathaveidone : This would be a deal breaker for both myself and my husband, so I’m not really sure what to tell you. It just read to me like you were looking for an excuse to bolt. What steps have you guys taken to work it out? Is Joe still there? If so, removing him is step 1. I’d say counseling is step 1b.
Post # 7
- Wedding: March 2014 - Chicago, IL
I think you need to get to the bottom of WHY. Why would you just now kiss Joe after being around him for 3 years? Yes, alcohol can lower inhibitions, but it’s really no excuse. What is going on in your relationship and personal life that caused you to be unfaithful?
Post # 8
whathaveidone : I think if you are sinerely sorry, though, that you need to be willing to give your Fiance time to process this before you throw in the towel.
It seems like you want to run away before he has more time to be mean and rude, which is human but if you love him, a mistake.
You obviously shouldn’t tolerate abuse for any reason, but he is entitled to be cold and distant as he processes this. Have you tried “Surviving infidelity”? Lots of bees recommend that. At least it might give you a good idea of what you can do to earn his trust.
Bottom line, though, you can’t control his feelings or the outcome of this. All you can do is try your best if that is what you really want. If you don’t want to try, then certainly end the suffering of all parties as soon as you can by ending the relationship.
Post # 9
Is Joe still living with you?
I know you’re saving money right now, but I’d really recommend couples therapy. It might help to have an objective third party helping you both find ways to work through it. Neither of you deserve to be chained to anger and resentment forever and you need to figure out if this is something he can really move past.
in the meantime try to talk openly about it regularly, and put off planning the wedding until you two can get to a place where you’re sure about your future again.
Post # 10
- Wedding: October 2016 - Montego Bay, Jamaica
If you want things to work then yes you need to give him some time to process things and get passed it. Communicate with him and make sure he’s being honest with you about everything he’s feeling. It can work if you both are committed to making it work. What happened was shitty but I believe you 2 can work through it.
Post # 11
I guess you should try some soul searching about why it happened. As someone who has been on the periphery of a lot of cheating, I’ve never seen it “just happen”. The person cheating often has some need that isn’t being fulfilled (which is not to blame the person being cheated on) — they might feel unhappy in the relationship they’re in, the person they cheated with might have some trait that is missing in their partner, they might be bored, they might be someone who is driven by variety, they like drama, etc. There are of course more productive and healthy ways to deal with these feelings other than cheating.
But I think as long as you feel like it “just happened” you don’t be able to come up with a sincere plan to avoid it in the future and rebuild trust. It’s not about excuses btw, it’s that if you don’t diagnose the problem you can’t fix it.
Post # 12
BalletParker : great advice
I’d only add: it’s probably time for Joe to move out…
Post # 13
Alcohol is still never an excuse & drinking with a male room mate isn’t a good idea.
You can’t live with this room mate any longer though. Joe needs to move out.
Post # 14
In my opinion, this is 100% not detrimental and you can most definitely move past it! Would not at all be a deal breaker for me and here’s why: you are sorry. Immediately being honest and apologetic was absolutely the best thing you could do.
Had you tried to brush it off, or tell him it wasn’t a big deal, or lied about it – that would’ve caused a much bigger issuse.
You drunkenly kissed someone. It sucks, it’s not what you would want to do, and you understandably feel horrible. But be patient! continue to apologize and give him what he needs (whether is reassurance or space). I would hang tight, stay consistent, and work on forgiving yourself because there may be some big “why” or you may have just done something stupid.
I’ve never cheated on SO but honestly in my world this is barely cheating (I would be more hurt by a flirting relationship that never even got physical). I know I would forgive him for something like this (although I would initally probably be petty) and he would for sure forgive me. I’d probably be more mad at myself than he would be at me.
All in all, this does not need to be relationship ending! It was a mistake and you have made every right move since it happened. Keep it up and take a deep breathe! Good luck bee 🙂
Post # 15
You did a shitty, awful, scummy thing and you should be ashamed of yourself. But you seem to know all that already so I won’t read you the full riot act.
First things first, Joe gotta go. Imagine being your Fiance and having to watch your partner live under the same roof as the friend who betrayed you and made out with her. He’ll never be able to relax wondering if when he leaves the room let the two of you are going to go at it. So, bye Joe.
Secondly, this kiss couldn’t have just happened out of no where. There had to be some flirting or build up, think back and figure out exactly how this happened. Be honest with yourself.
Thirdly, I’ve always believed alcohol can lead to the truth coming out. I don’t believe that two people with absolutely zero attraction to each other would just randomly start making out just because they had a few glasses of wine in them. There has to be an attraction somewhere deep down and you need to figure this out. Are you attracted to Joe in some way deep down? Is he attracted to you?
Lets start answering these questions first and foremost.