Cheated With Our Roommate

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 16
1689 posts
Bumble bee

Joe is a shitty friend. Not sure which of the two of you is worse tbh. I have a hard time believing that the kiss happened out of nowhere. Be honest.

Joe needs to move out asap if there’s going to be any semblance of damage control here. 


Post # 17
417 posts
Helper bee

whathaveidone :   “I know I deserve to be punished for a while but I am worried that it will go on forever and it will be thrown in my face forever.”

No, you don’t need to be punished. You’re human, and you made a mistake, one precipitated by four bottles of wine. I’m not saying it’s an excuse, but many men/women have done things on a bender they’d never do sober. That much alcohol makes people vulnerable and prone to poor decisions and irrational behavior. That is why purposely taking advantage of an intoxicated person is considered rape (not at all saying that Joe took advantage, just making a point).

Give him time and let him process. It should go without saying that Joe needs to move out. I also think you need to set a ground rule with yourself that you will not engage in any heavy drinking without your Fiance present. Honestly,  that was one of my rules for myself when I was married. I did not go to bars/clubs if I knew I’d be drinking heavy without my husband, for the reasons I previously stated about heavy alcohol use. I think it might also be reassuring to your Fiance that you want boundaries in place to prevent this from happening again.

Honestly, I thought this was going to be about an ongoing affair or actual sex with the roommate. You made a mistake and came clean about it immediately. It doesn’t like anything that can’t be worked through.

Post # 18
2335 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

You don’t need to be punished. However, there are some things you should do. Joe needs to move out. This is too awkward for your Fiance after what happened. I think you and Joe do have feeling for each other. Otherwise, this wouldn’t have happened. You were right when you stopped after the kiss! 

You need to think seriously about your drinking and whether or not you have a problem with it. I’m not saying you do have a problem—just that it is something to consider. I used to get drunk enough that I did stupid things, but those days are over for me. 

Is there something else going on in your relationship? It seems that if you were truly satisfied, this wouldn’t have happened. 

Post # 19
101 posts
Blushing bee

unicornwolf :  could not agree more – much more “mild” than I was expecting. But Joe does need to find a new home 🙂 

Post # 20
577 posts
Busy bee

I was expecting something far worse than this when I read the title. 

Youve taken exactly the correct steps since your mistake. Your fiancé is understandably upset, allow him to be upset. I also believe we shouldn’t be judged by our mistakes, it’s what we do after the mistake which matters. The fact you immediately felt sick to the stomach and clearly feel remorse, then also confessed immediately….i think this shows the type of person you are, not the mistake. 

I would forgive you. I think you can move on from this. Once he decides to forgive you, you need to forgive yourself. It’s not healthy to live without forgiving yourself. You’re a human and made a mistake.

Good luck. 

Post # 21
1660 posts
Bumble bee

slomotion :  agreed re: alcohol. I’ve seen people cheat after getting wasted where it was clear to anyone paying attention that the cheating was going to happen before the drinking started and it was clear the alcohol was being used as a cover.  People sometimes hook up with peopke theyre not interested in when they’re drunk because they’re bored and the person is there. But I don’t think alcohol ever causes cheating to “just happen” 

Post # 22
9904 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

I don’t think you need to be punished. Yes, you did a horrible thing but you know that and your partner punishing you won’t change that or help either of you move forward.

But some things do need to happen:

1. The roommate needs to move out as soon as possible.

2. You need to recognize that your fiancé is going to need time to process this. Things are not going to go back to normal quickly. Things may never go back to how they were before. But you do need to give him time.

3. You need to reflect on why this happened and why you are so quick to say maybe you should end it. Are you unhappy in your relationship? Do you want to get married? Are you looking for a way out?

Post # 23
2573 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

Definitely Joe needs to leave like yesterday.  Probably your Fiance won’t want to be friends with him anymore and won’t want you to.  You will need to choose between that friendship and your Fiance.

As for your Fiance being mean and distant, I don’t think he’s trying to “punish” you.  I think he’s devastated by what you did, and reeling, and doesn’t know how this person that he loves is also the person who has hurt him so badly, so he is unsure how to treat you.  Unfortunately that will be a fact of life for a while as he gets over it.  You can help by showing him with words, but more importantly with ACTIONS, how sorry you are and how much you care for him.  Don’t get mad at him for being hurt… give him time to work through it.  Like, months.  If that seems unreasonable, then probably you should just cut your losses now and break up.  Otherwise, don’t get counter-pouty when he’s sad or short with you.  Unfortunately it’s a direct result of your actions 🙁  That said, you shouldn’t exist like that forever (like years).  If he can’t ever get over it, then it’d be better for both of you to move on.  But hopefully he will with some time and love from you.

As someone with a history of sometimes doing stupid shit after drinking too much, may I suggest that you have a problem with binge-drinking.  I love wine, I can drink wine like nobody’s business, but 4 bottles between two people is a LOT of wine!  You should probably reassess your relationship with alcohol and whether it is influencing you in the right way.  I would guess that this isn’t the first time you’ve done something you regret or are embarassed by after drinking a lot?  Unless taking down ~2 bottles of wine yourself is a complete fluke.

Good luck!

Post # 24
1355 posts
Bumble bee

it hasn’t been that long yet. you need to let him process in peace and gather his feelings and thoughts. In your shoes I would say “i know you are hurting but I’m here whenever you are ready to talk. I am commited to do anything so we can move past this'”. maybe return to subject in a month if he doesn’t talk first.

you know what  you did is wrong and you need to reflect what caused it. Is there something in the relationship or in you that made you do it. from your partners pov it was double petrayel from his gf and friend.

Post # 25
6674 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

So, obviously Joe needs to get out. And you need to find out if your Fiance is willing to be with you after this. Apologize profusely and be prepared for whatever decision he makes since you violated the terms of your relationship.

Personally, I don’t think kissing someone else is a reason to end a relationship- especially if you were really planning to spend your lives together. If you’re talking about 50 years of a shared life, a little drunken kiss once upon a time with friend Joe is really fucking mild on the list of shit you’ll face. Actually, the fact that you drink enough to split 4 bottles of wine with one other person would be more of a deal breaker for me.

But, yeah, you have to beg your FI’s forgiveness and give him room to determine what he wants to do from here. Ball is in his court. 

Post # 26
615 posts
Busy bee

People make mistakes and you have gone the right way about rectifying it.


Your fi just needs some time. If you love him then deal with his way of working through what happened and just help him see who he fell in love with and show him he can trust you again. 

Post # 27
1255 posts
Bumble bee

people saying that alcohol reveals the truth…eh, sometimes i guess? mostly it leads to a total lack of filter and being ruled by your id. you can make an impulsive choice for no good reason other than because it seemed like it would feel good at the time. short term gratification is the name of the game, sometimes even when it is super destructive to the bigger picture. getting drunk doesn’t excuse bad behavior, you’re an adult and you chose to drink to excess. ultimately that is on you, yes. but IMO getting drunk can absolutely lead to stupid-ass behavior that doesn’t necessarily have some deeper meaning. if you say you don’t secretly want to ruin your relationship or have been repressing feelings for joe, i’m inclined to believe you. i do think its time for joe to move out though. 

Post # 28
687 posts
Busy bee

FOUR BOTTLES OF WINE??? Between two people? How are you not dead? I can’t even believe you had the coordination to kiss someone after drinking that much. 

Post # 29
180 posts
Blushing bee

When I met my Darling Husband he had roommates, and by the time I moved in he only had one, which was his best friend. And we like you lived together for about 3 years, so I don’t find it that weird. But like you we all became really great friends, and would always do things together, whenever we got invitations to events they would be addressed to all three of us. He only moved out once he got a serious Girlfriend (His now wife)

If I had of drunkenly kissed him my Darling Husband (then BF) would of be shattered and it would of been a deal breaker. Two of your FI’s favorite people have betrayed him here.

I do think you both can move past it, in time.

You’ll have to really rebuild some trust though.

Post # 30
1476 posts
Bumble bee

No one here can tell you how your Fiance is going to act through this difficult matter. The only way past it is through it so give him all the time and space he needs. 

I think it could be benefical to examine your relationship with alcohol. 4 bottles of wine in one sitting for a night in? If I was you personally I would go completely sober and tell my fiance that I want to clean up my act and make it clear this will never happen again. You would be healthier and happier for it in the end too. It’s up to you but that’s what I would do. 

Big hugs bee this too shall pass. 

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