Cheated With Our Roommate

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 31
Member
2432 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

You sound really self-involved. Instead of correctly perceiving your fiance’s reactions as pain & hurt, you turn it around as him doing something negative to you- “punishing” you.  And you’re already over it & seem to be demanding that your fiance move past it, already. It seems, maybe, you’ve learned nothing from this experience.

Post # 32
Member
534 posts
Busy bee

jannigirl :  Amen to that.

Lets reverse the roles a little. How would OP feel if a female friend of Fiance was living with them, and Fiance and female friend in a position of trust, made out with each other while OP is gone away for the night. 

Would OP feel betrayed, not only by Fiance but by a trusted friend?

Would OP wonder if things have been simmering under the surface between female friend and FI?

Would OP feel hurt and wonder what is wrong with their relationship to cause Fiance to cheat on her?

Is making out with your partner’s friend in his/her absence douchey behavior? 

I think you know all the answers to this, OP. People don’t randomly kiss each other without an undercurrent of sexual energy or attraction. 

I think it’s justified for OP’s Fiance to feel massively hurt and angry from being let down not only by his future wife. but also a friend of many years. Give Fiance time to process his feelings and kick that Joe person out. 

Post # 33
Member
2304 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

To me, what’s more troubling than the kiss itself is the hours(?) leading up to the kiss. Unless he just randomly planted one on OP completely out of nowhere (which doesn’t appear to be the case) there is a likely some point in the drunken evening where things took a turn for the flirtier and some boundaries started being crossed.

I am thinking well before the kiss actually happened, one of the two people (probably the OP since she’s the one in the relationship) should have been like, you know what? This all the sudden just got a little too close for comfort. I think I will pass on that 4th bottle of wine and call it a night.

 

Had someone been watching this play out on TV, they likely would have thought things were going down an inappropriate path even before the kiss. Maybe the two start sitting closer together. Maybe the conversation gets extremely personal. My point it, well before the point of physical contact, there should have been a warning sign in your head that things were going too far. Perhaps alcohol dulled that warning sign, but that is not an excuse.

 

OP, I don’t know if your relationship is doomed. Your boyfriend could have broken up with you right away but didn’t, so I would assume his gut reaction is that he wants to work things out and forgive you. That said, it may be a case where he wants to get past it, but can’t. All you can do is wait it out and take your lumps. If this distant and cold behavior goes on for months, fine, call it, but it’s only been a few days, right?

Post # 34
Member
1067 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2019

What you did was very shitty. VERY SHITTY. But you already know that. I think given the fact that your Fiance didn’t boot you and Joe out into the gutter means there’s a chance he will forgive you but for right now you’re just gonna have to give him space to work out what he wants to do. He’s gonna need some time to think and honestly it might not hurt to ask him if he wants some literal space also. If Joe hasn’t already hit the bricks he needs to. I hightly doubt that friendship will recover. When I first read this I thought “Oh just a kiss, I thought this would be way juicier so who cares?” But I thought about it a lot and started imagining myself in your FIs shoes and I would probably knock Joes head off. So I’d say he’s probably taking it as well as can be expected. You have broken his trust though and that’s going to take some serious time to earn back. So if I were you I wouldn’t start making wedding plans until you’ve reached a better point in your relationship. Which is sad but you made your bed. I’m not trying to give you a hard time but you really need to figure out WHY you kissed Joe. You can’t blame the alcohol…you need to do some soul searching, bee. 

Post # 35
Member
276 posts
Helper bee

Thank goodness your Fiance found out what kind of person you are before getting married. I’d drop you like a rock.

Post # 36
Member
5025 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2017

daisy123 :  I had the same thought, four bottles of wine between two people… holy smokes!!  That’s a little more than casually staying in to have a drink and bite to eat.  Though, it is beside the point because while alcohol can inhibit a person there is likely additional contributing factors that lead to infidelity as many others pointed out.

I think a number of things need to happen if OP wishes to remain with Fiance:

1. Consider delaying a wedding date to allow time to repair their relationship.

2. Joe most definitely needs to go. I don’t think removing temptation solves infidelity however having him as a roommate will not benefit OP and her Fiance in anyway.

3. Determine how and why this took place, its not as simple as blaming intoxication.

4. Work to regain trust.

5. Allow Fiance the time he needs to recover from betrayal.

Post # 37
Member
918 posts
Busy bee

Any updates from OP?

Did your Fiance talk to Joe about this? What is the status of their relationship now?

As others have said, Joe needs to move out immiediately. 

But do you really want to repair things? How is your Fiance presonality? Will he continue to throw this mistake in your face?

Post # 39
Member
10120 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

Woah, I so misread that the first time as four GLASSES of wine and not 4 bottles.

Damn, is wine really that good? Am I missing out on something??? 

Post # 41
Member
10120 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

Good on you for starting to take the appropriate steps to mend this. Keep us updated?

Post # 42
Member
5025 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2017

According to Google (and my personal experience) a standard bottle of wine is 6 glasses which means two bottles are 12 glasses.  I’m sure this is relative to how many ounces are poured into a glass.  I LOVE wine but when I do drink it on the regular it takes me a week to go through a bottle which is about a glass a day which coincides with Googles calculations.

I have certainly binged drank before but I could never put down two bottles (12 glasses) alone in one sitting.

Again, I realize this is beside the point but I do find it a bit concerning.

OP, glad to read your update.  It sounds like you are taking positive steps towards repair.

ETA: Where did OP’s recent update disappear to?!

Post # 43
Member
5025 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2017

whathaveidone :  I honestly have no idea!  For a moment I thought I was experiencing pregnancy brain but then slomotion had seen it too; though she also could be experiencing pregnancy brain.

Must be a technical glitch!

Post # 45
Member
2304 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

-Joe and I did not share a steamy, passionate kiss. It was quick peck (still wrong, yes I know.) We were laughing our heads off at old group vacation pictures and it just happened. A no tongue kiss and a quick pull away.

 

I know you were prepared for judgment, OP, but you probably should have put this in your post originally. This sounds a lot better than how it was originally described. Yes, still inappropriate, but not nearly as bad as what most people were thinking, I am sure.

Leave a comment


Find Amazing Vendors