Cheated With Our Roommate

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 61
Member
743 posts
Busy bee

I agree with slomotion on so many points. That kiss didn’t come out of nowhere, and best of the roomate moves out. But, I also think that no matter how anyone dresses it up, attractions here and there outside of your relationships are normal. You can’t control feelings, but you can control actions and the alcohol didn’t help you prevent your mistake.

I also think it could have been a lot worse. You made a mistake, and hopefully you’ve leaned a lesson. I don’t blame your Fiance for being mad,  I do think it was a goof on your part and it’s not unforgivable. When I read the title I was expecting to hear that you had gone a lot further, and I laughed with relief that it stopped after a kiss. Personally I think it’s something that a couple can bounce back from. It’s more a question if your Fiance agrees. If you and he can’t get past this, maybe the marriage isn’t meant to be, you’ll have to find out.

Not sure when your wedding date is to be, but if it’s not set yet, I’d wait to set the date. Either way I’d get some counseling with your Fiance. If nothing else to discuss the best way to handle this, and how the two of you will handle things when either of you makes a mistake no matter what kind of mistake it is. You and your Fiance are human, and mistakes will be made here and there that could question trust. They could be money, cheating, lots of things. I’m not saying what you did is ok, but it’s a lesson to learn from.

Post # 63
Member
1660 posts
Bumble bee

libellules :  agreed. I think the general idea that cheating is just done by shitty terrible people leaves people vulnerable to do it themselves. “I’m not a shitty, terrible person, therefore I won’t ever have this problem!” 

I know a lot of good, generally thoughtful and kind and considerate people who have — yes — cheated. Precisely because they were usually put together people with a streak of good decision making, they were overconfident. 

And their reasons for doing it were all over the map, but a very common one looks like this: she is good friends with John, and going through a tough time in her relationship with Jack. Either they’ve grown apart and the relationship is coming to an end and they don’t want to see it, or they’ve been fighting a lot, or Jack has been kind of a jerk lately, etc.  John shows her the kindness and warmth she hasn’t gotten from Jack in a long time. After some terrible fight with Jack, she cheats on him with John.  

Then afterwards, how could I do that. I guess I’m just a shitty person etc. 

It’s selfish to cheat, but even good people have selfish moments. Be remorseful. Be genuinely sorry. But it won’t protect you from doing it again to merely feel guilty. 

Post # 65
Member
10093 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

whathaveidone :  Give it some time, this is all very fresh for the both of you now and it’s going to take time and effort to build back the trust you’ve lost.

I actually don’t see this as a bad thing. You don’t want to carry this resentment and negativity into your wedding and you certainly don’t want to look back to your wedding planning and remember what a shitty place your relationship was in. Take every day as it comes, work together to try and build back what was lost.

Post # 66
Member
2567 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

I agree, I think it’s probably wise of him.  You both need some time to get your feet back under you before getting back into wedding planning.  Keep the course and keep trying to show him that you love him and you’re remorseful.  I’m sorry this happening, but keep the course. 

Post # 67
Member
2301 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I agree that the engagement being called off it for the best. You don’t want to spend the next few months wondering if he’s only going through with it because the wheels were already in motion. It sounds to me like he very much wants to forgive you and move forward with you, but he can’t stop his feelings of anger and doubt. How can he feel confident you won’t do it again? As PP said, it will just take time. Best of luck to you!

Post # 68
Member
1034 posts
Bumble bee

When is your next therapy session?  If you feel uncertain of what the relationship is, or lack there of, ask. It might be easier to wait until therapy.

You should clariify: are we still dating? Or are we roommates? 

These things take time. 

A good book that will give you insight to how he might feel is called “After the Affair” by Janis Abrahms Spring. You are likely hoping to “get over this” asap, while for him, “getting over it” is not an option. He has to learn how to live with this, and discover if he can truly put it behind you.

He may not know right now. These things take time. He might not ever be able to put it behind you two and truly forgive you, and if so, ending the relationship, no matter how painful, would be best. Or he might decide he can live with this pain, and you two can find a new path forward, and perhaps explore a future engagement later down the road.

If you love him, and want to be with him, you will have to be patient.

Post # 69
Member
485 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 1969 - City, State

Agree with PP about your latest update. Wanting you to continue living with him sure makes it confusing but all those questions you now have will be answered when he is ready to talk. Do take care of yourself too! 

Post # 70
Member
1256 posts
Bumble bee

whathaveidone :  Am I now your girlfriend? Just your roommate?  

you deserve an answer to this question. your cards are on the table: you want to be with him. he can either want to work towards getting past this (which he may not be able to do, can’t fault him there) or decide he doesnt want to, but he is capable of making that decision and cluing you in. letting you live in limbo as possibly a girlfriend…possibly just someone to help pay the rent…is verging on cruel. its been a few days. hes had some time to think. you should know where you stand. are you rebuilding together (a long process which will require a lot of patience) or moving on separately? i hope he lets you know soon.

Post # 71
Member
141 posts
Blushing bee

whathaveidone :  you should give him time, but also ask him quite clearly where you stand. I don’t think you should wait for your next session to ask. 

Post # 72
Member
1005 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

Sorry bee. I feel sorry for your update as I do think you just made a silly mistake.

if I put myself in your fiance’s shoes though I don’t know that i’d get past it and my husband would be the same. Everyone has a boundary and some are way more open than others. Mine is almost zero tolerance for anything like that, especially if we weren’t even married yet and had mo baggage.

Post # 73
Member
11179 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

whathaveidone :  

Take the high ground, Bee and move out.  Give him space to process everything.  Continue in therapy together if he’s willing.

Post # 74
Member
778 posts
Busy bee

 

Firstly, cancel the engagement.

This is not such a BIG deal in general but it is a very big deal to your Fiance. He needs to rethink this more than you do because something tragic happened in his life for which he had no inclination or control before OR after it happened. He will have a very difficult time trying to trust you again. But right now, he needs to step away from the situation. Talking, talking, talking all the time, all day long, beating a subject to death is not always a good idea. Give your Fiance some time to himself to try and figure things out on his own.

You also need to dig deep (very deep) to see why you would end up in this type of situation. I have ended up in a similar situation as you (though no kiss) but mild attraction to someone else while intoxicated. And, let’s just say, I was unhappy in my current relationship and didn’t even know it! I kept lying to myself of how great, Godly and wonderful my then ex was and I had just made a ‘mistake’. I should have instead taken it as a SIGN that I was not happy in the current relationship and bolted then instead of wasting more time, having a kid and THEN ending up leaving anyway! You don’t need to go down that same road. You can learn from others’ experiences.

Post # 75
Member
1477 posts
Bumble bee

Oh bee I’m sorry to hear the update.  Hopefully you guys can start from the beginning again and move past this with time.  

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