(Closed) Cheating: 82% want to know, yet 60% wouldn't tell a friend?

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
  • poll: Explain the disparity- how do you justify wanting to know but not telling when it comes to cheating?

    I don't, I follow the golden rule: I'd want someone to tell me, so I'd tell someone else.

    It's all about me: I'd want someone to tell me, but I'm too uninterested to help others.

    I'm scared: I'd want someone to tell me, but am too afraid to tell another.

    Other- please explain below...

  • Post # 32
    Member
    1332 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: May 2014

    Interesting discrepency!  Would I want to know if my SO were cheating on me?!  Absolutely.  Would I tell a friend if I KNEW her SO was cheating on her?!  Absolutely.  (For what it is worth, I did not vote in either polls, however). 

    I write ALL of this with my own personal hypocritical spin…

    In college I had a serious Boyfriend or Best Friend, as in we were together for 3 years.  One of my closest, if not BEST college girlfriend came to me one day to let me know that my Boyfriend or Best Friend had AIMed chatted her and asked her to send naked pics of her to him.  Of course, my immediate knee jerk response was SCOLD HER for being SO JEALOUS of me and my PERFECT relationship that she had to make up such a terrible story about my ‘awesome’ bf!! 

    I went to Boyfriend or Best Friend with this crazy story, and he of course stated he would  NEVER EVER do that. 

    We of course dated for another 6 months, and I of course nearly lost my best friend before finding out he was a cheating scumbag, was a terrible human being, and my best friend was just being an honest, amazing person to me!!

    THAT STORY is probably why there is a real discrepency.  On one hand we want to know, but on the other hand would we truly believe the accusation.  On one hand if you knew your friend was in a bad situation, as in knew knew, you want to tell her, but would HATE ruining a friendship because of it 🙁

    Post # 33
    Member
    2375 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: June 2014

    I was one of those “other” responses.  I still stand by what I said – that as one woman to another, the first ethical response would be to tell her.  However, since this was something that she did not witness, that it was in fact information given to her in confidence by her fiance, then she also has an ethical responsibility to him.  Trust is a powerful thing, and not something granted lightly.  To break the confidentiality of husband and wife (or soon to be husband and wife) is a serious thing, which is why conversations between husband and wife are legally held to the same confidentiality as conversations between a person and their clergy or between a person and their attorney.

    In general, I don’t believe in telling someone unless you physically saw it with your own two eyes.  I don’t care what you heard, what your other best friend swears on their grandmother’s grave they saw, if you did not physically witness the action, you have no business retelling it.  I’ve seen one too many times where the rumor was false, and instigated by someone who wanted to break up the relationship.

    Post # 34
    Member
    1880 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: July 2012

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    @kris325:  +1! You said it better than I could.

    Post # 35
    Member
    4522 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: September 2014

    I think a couple of things could be happening here:

    1) Not wanting to be the shot messanger.

    2)Not having what they feel is adequate proof OR having what they only feel is second-hand knowledge. This has happened to me: have a friend whose guy is most definitely, 100% a cheater or TRYING to be one, at BEST. I have seen emails and texts he has sent to friends I know but she doesnt that are in absolutely sexual in nature and soliciting.  I also have a very close friend who witnessed him making out with a girl on a “guys night” at the bar. He didnt see her there.

    Here’s the problem: I know this person is telling the truth. She only knows the guy and feels terrible for the girl being cheated on. I’ve seen the emails and texts, and I believe 100% she saw what she says she did that night at the bar. BUT *I* don’t have access to that information myself. *I* don’t have the emails or texts myself, I’ve just seen them or been forwarded them, they werent to ME…….so basically, if I go to my friend, who I know would be defensive anyway, it’d sound like this:

    “Hey, _______ showed me texts and emails from your man to her, AND she saw him making out with another girl at a bar in February.”

    I feel it would be really easy for her to tear that apart and accuse ME of lying.

    Post # 36
    Member
    9966 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: September 2012

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    @MariContrary:  Another +1.  Circumstances vary. 

    I would tell, depending on the circumstances.  And I would want a friend to tell me. 

    However, I would not trust information coming from a stranger, so I wouldn’t expect someone else to either.  I would trust a close friend to have my best interests at heart.  But if someone I didn’t know told me something like that I wouldn’t necessarily jump to the conclusion that it was true. 

    Post # 37
    Member
    6107 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: October 2013

    I have a question for those who stated the “messenger” reason for not telling:

     

    Would you consider giving an anonymous note/letter to the person being cheated on (if you had absolute proof)? Like leave it in their mailbox, send an email from a fake account, etc.

     

    Just curious 🙂

     

    Post # 38
    Member
    2555 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: April 2013

    1) To me, it’s simple. You tell someone if you saw it yourself in the second that it was happening. You don’t tell if you think it happened, if someone told you (doesn’t matter if that someone is your SO), if it looked like they were kissing, if it look like they left together.

    If you saw a kiss or sex HAPPENING, then you can tell.

     

     

    Post # 39
    Member
    4522 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: September 2014

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    @IzzyBear:  In the case I wrote about above (where someone else came to me to let me know a friends spouse has been approaching her AND the same girl witnessed him making out with a female in a bar), my boyfriend thinks I or the girl who actually witnessed this stuff should tell her annonymously.

     

    His idea was to have the girl with all the texts and emails make a fake email account and email the wife: her husband has a very specific writing “tone” and she would immediately recognize them to be written by her husband.

     

    The issue is, again, *I* don’t have the info, and I can’t MAKE this other girl tell the wife :-/

     

    Post # 40
    Member
    1880 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: July 2012

    View original reply
    @MariContrary:  I completely agree with you re: that other thread.  That OP did not witness she only heard about it from her soon to be husband.  If you didn’t see it yourself and you spread it around, that is known as GOSSIP.  And as you pointed out, conversations between husband and wife are held to very high confidentiality standards (hence why spouse cannot be forced to testify against each other in court).  So IMO, in that other thread the bride needed to keep her mouth shut.

    I also don’t like when people imply that their values are so much better than mine or others because they wouldn’t or would do X, Y, or Z.  You know what I say to those people? Go scratch! 

    Post # 41
    Member
    1880 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: July 2012

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    @Sunfire:  +1

    Post # 42
    Member
    1880 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: July 2012

    View original reply
    @IzzyBear:  Nope because these days nothing remains anonymous.  People can track down just about anything so I guarantee they will figure out who wrote the note.  Every watch Jersey Shore?  “Who wrote da note?!?!?!”  Lol.

    Post # 43
    Member
    33 posts
    Newbee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    @FLBlonde93:  I would follow the golden rule, but I voted “OTHER” because of the way you phrased the question.  I would NOT want people poking their noses into my relationship, and I would not tell someone if I discovered their partner cheating.

    This may sound weird, but it makes sense to me….  Let’s see if I can explain.

    I believe my relationship is good.  My Fiance appears to believe our relationship is good, too.  To my mind, it is our belief in the relationship that defines its status.  I have such confidence in my Fiance, our closeness and our common beliefs, interests, values and compatibility that I’m nigh on 100% sure that he would not do anything that would endanger me health-wise or emotionally.  But all those things are also what makes me think I should marry him.

    Which brings me to cheating.  I know perfectly well (yes, from experience) that people can do stupid things when drunk.  And a bunch of guys going to a bachelor party at a strip club (which like it or not is some folks’ tradition) does NOT constitute cheating in my books.  It’s not infidelity or intent, it’s just a bunch of guys enjoying the seedy stir of hormones.

    My Fiance is bright enough that even roaring drunk, he isn’t going to hire one of the skanky hookers that hang out outside a strip club.  If he was, he wouldn’t be my Fiance. But he does have female friends (just as I have male friends), some of whom he goes to movies with (the ones I don’t want to go to).  Are these dates?  Sure, though not romantic ones.  If they were, I’m confident he’d tell me.  If I wasn’t, he wouldn’t be my Fiance.

    I guess one’s view on cheating sort of depends on what one would put up with in a partner in the first place.  If I had any sense that my Fiance would hurt me, there would be no wedding, and probably no relationship.  I don’t need that kind of drama.  Ain’t nobody got time fo’ that!

    Post # 44
    Member
    8437 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: April 2013

    For me it just depends, if I’m close to the person that is being cheated on, and I knew for a fact that their partner was cheating (i.e. I witnessed it), I would definitely tell.  If it was a friend that was doing the cheating on someone else, I probably wouldn’t say anything. 

    Post # 45
    Member
    1521 posts
    Bumble bee

    @FLBlonde93:  every situation is circumstantial the golden rule to statistics are to consider variables and marginal error. U cnt clump one statistic to another wen situations r different

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