(Closed) Cheating: 82% want to know, yet 60% wouldn't tell a friend?

posted 8 years ago in Relationships
  • poll: Explain the disparity- how do you justify wanting to know but not telling when it comes to cheating?

    I don't, I follow the golden rule: I'd want someone to tell me, so I'd tell someone else.

    It's all about me: I'd want someone to tell me, but I'm too uninterested to help others.

    I'm scared: I'd want someone to tell me, but am too afraid to tell another.

    Other- please explain below...

  • Post # 63
    Member
    11375 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: June 2015

    I’ve told. It cost me, but I’d do it again. I also ended a friendship with a girl who was cheating for years in her husband with random strangers. i told my friend to use a cndom and she would not. At some point, I felt I was a party to a possibly dangerous lie. after I ended the friendship, her husband called me to bitch me out for being a jealous friend. 

    Do the right thing and don’t expect anyone to thank you for it:-)

    Post # 64
    Member
    6354 posts
    Bee Keeper

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    @jasonkatie2014:  the answer, as in the cause? Our modern culture is one of extreme self focus. What’s in it for ME? How’s it going to affect ME if I help that bullying victim out, or tell someone bad news? What if helping someone out significantly causes slight problems for ME? What if the person doesn’t like ME anymore for telling them the hard truth? I should just focus on ME and MY business unless it benefits ME to do otherwise.

    The kids aren’t born selfish, they’re taught to think that way.

    By the way, this self-focused culture is also the reason for skyrocketing rates of depression. It’s ironic, but being so self-focused makes the self suffer more!

    Post # 65
    Member
    753 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: May 2014

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    @joya_aspera:  could not agree more.  As teachers, we’re told that parents are not to blame.  We’re to come up with a remedy for this parenting technique.

    edit: had this conversation with 2 parents today actually.  Message did not go through.

    Post # 67
    Member
    753 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: May 2014

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    @FLBlonde93:  yeah, really sad and pathetic of people-  and even more depressing that I see it in my 10/11 year olds.  I bet that girl never, ever forgot that you raised you hand for her- I’ve had students come back and tell me similar stories when I’ve stood up and called out bullies for them.  The smallest guestures like that, never go unnoticed.  We need more people like you in the world!

    Post # 69
    Member
    11375 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: June 2015

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    @FLBlonde93:  thanks for the great words, I’m going to save them. 

    Post # 70
    Member
    1722 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: March 1998

    In the first case, it’s directly applicable. I am the affected party – I’d want to know to protect myself.

    However, in the latter case, I’m intervening in someone else’s relationship. Best case scenario, I tell the bridesmaid, she confronts her boyfriend, and I am not affected. Most likey scenario? I tell her, and she either a.) doesn’t believe me and turns against me or b.) He denies it, she believes him, and they both turn against me. Depending on the circle I run in, that’s a whole lot of risk. I would have to know beyond a shadow of a doubt that cheating had taken place before I ever brought it up.

    If I knew someone was cheating, I *would* let that person know that if it came up, I would not lie on their behalf. If the victimized party came to me and asked if I knew anything about the cheating, I would still deflect and say, “You will have to talk to X about that.” The writing should be on the wall if the answer isn’t ‘no,’ but I would never, ever get involved beyond that.

     

    Post # 71
    Member
    2375 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: June 2014

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    @FLBlonde93:  If it makes a difference, I’ve had to tell a friend before.  She didn’t believe me to begin with, and she demanded to know every single painful detail that I witnessed.  She wanted to know why I was there, what I was doing watching him (I was picking up my to go order at a restaurant).  What he was wearing, if I was SURE they were kissing, if there was any slim chance it was anything else, did I see them leave together, you get the idea.  If my answer was “Well, I didn’t actually see this, but a person that I trust did”, she would have told me exactly where I could shove it.  I broke her heart.  He may have been responsible, but I was the one who shattered it.  I don’t regret what I did in the least.  But that’s why I will never repeat the words of another.  If I didn’t witness it, I can’t swear to it.  And if I’m going to say the words that will tear apart a relationship, I need to be able to swear to the truth of them.

    Post # 72
    Member
    187 posts
    Blushing bee

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    @RN:  +1 totally agree with the omission part.

    Although as said by previous posters, I’d prefer it if there was absolute proof/saw with own eyes that it was happening before it was passed on, by me, or to me.

    Post # 73
    Member
    4753 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: May 2012

    Nah the polls ask something completely different. The bestman cheating poll that is the groom’s and his buddy’s problem. Seeing how the bride is barely even friends with the “victim” its really none of her business. Not to mention should the bride tell, well best known that you’ve just cost the groom his best friend- is that the brides decision to make? My answer, is no. Butt out bride… (different story if the groom, is the one who wants to spill the beans). Not to mention- this was a one off incident, and not a full on affair.

    In the other poll, he’s a full on cheating bastard. Yes, I’d want to know… and NO, I would not tell. Why? Simply because I don’t give a shit about the other girl. I’m sorry, that’s harsh… but seriously I don’t.

    Post # 74
    Member
    4753 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: May 2012

    I want to add: I’m about loyalty. If my friend was being cheated on I would tell her. If I was the other woman, and I didn’t know the gf/wife/partner- I’d keep my mouth shut. If my friend was cheatING…. my loyalty still remains with my friend (man or woman) and I’d keep it to myself. I care about my friend, not the “victim”.

    Post # 75
    Member
    1521 posts
    Bumble bee

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    @FLBlonde93:   I agree, selfishness begets selfishness, and ignorance begets ignorance.   Mediocre people raise mediocre children with mediocre values.
     

     

    wow that is very unfair and soooo not true. parents cn only do so much. how can YOU tell who’s values are what? values are just that VALUES. It is what YOU place importance on and is subjective for the most part. you cannot force your values on someone else and definitely do not have the right to judge anybody’s values. thats a form of bullying to me.

     

    I suppose Oprah is mediocre despite the many family issues she conquered, how many ppl have overcome obstacles and even parenting issues and came out to b an amazing person. People make their own values and morals based on experiences.

     

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