(Closed) Cheating and affairs make your marriage stronger?

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
Post # 16
Member
3212 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

I would not be happy with this – transparency is a big deal to me – but I do understand that for some people, knowing there is something your spouse is into that you have no interest in talking with them about could work for them. What about vegetarians who live with meat eaters who eat meat when their partner isn’t around?

In our culture (Definitely helped by biology) we have a tendency to equate sex with love. If a couple can make it work that they feel committed without being monogamous, good for them. Personally I would feel better with communication, but for some people the feeling that they are ‘breaking the rules’ (even though this seems to work for this couple) would be part of it, so if they have a balance that works for them and lets them be a fully functioning family, where no one is getting hurt (including partners of their partners, this is the bit I would get judgy about) – then I am not going to judge.

Post # 17
Member
1723 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2014 - 13th ~ TN

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Vitana:  UGH! Junk! I quit reading when I saw the link for this one. Even more junk for the most part. I like when my Fiance cooks, I like seeing SpiderMan movies, he is the BEST sex I have ever had (cause I have never loved anyone like him) and I dont mind guys nights every now and then.

 

http://www.redbookmag.com/love-sex/advice/lies-in-marriage?link=rel&dom=cnn_living&src=syn&mag=rbk#slide-10

Post # 18
Member
1719 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

Yeah she sounds miserable to me, just some of the comments made it sound like he cheats on her so she is trying to get back at him but it isn’t working so she just keeps doing it becuase she doesn’t know any different.  She wants to feel desired and doesn’t get that at home from her husband becuase he is with other women, but she is too afraid to leave.  Honestly I was sick to my stomach while reading this.  I want to be the only person my Fiance desires, he may be attracked to others but he only desires me and that is a feeling I think everyone deserves to have.

 Then I think about the poor kids, I wonder if their father even beleives 100% that they are his.  I mean if she had mulitple partners when she got pregnant there’s a chance those kids aren’t her husband’s.  And to grow up in a home where your parents are constantly sneaking around just sounds sad and stressful 🙁

Post # 20
Member
599 posts
Busy bee

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nellybee:  My guess is that you’ve either cheated or been cheated on and stayed in the relationship. I can’t see how someone who isn’t in that position can have your opinion on the subject. 

As far as I’m concerned, someone who cheats on their spouse or significant other does not love nor respect that person. You’re right, everyone has their dealbreaks but I adametly believe that once someone crosses that line, there is no coming back from it. The cheating party has proven that their SO is not as important to them as they may be to the SO and who needs that bullshit in their lives?

Also, I can without a shadow of a doubt confirm that my relationship IS better and stronger than a couple involved in infidelity. No questions. None. 

Post # 21
Member
1065 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

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ilovebacon:  Relationships come in many different shapes and forms.   It is not very nice to generalise everyone elses relationships on your relationships T’s & C’s.  I almost cheated once and the only thing that stopped me was my friend called me out on it.  I DID love my BF dearly, it is certainly possible to love someone and cheat.  This is the kind of subject where there are many different opinions and while discussing them can be interesting, to say blanket statements that your relationship is better and stronger than anyones who ever involed infidelity of any form is a little ignorant.

Post # 22
Member
599 posts
Busy bee

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nessdawwg:  Maybe it’s ignorant but I stand by it. No one will ever convince me that cheating can make a relationship stronger or better than a relationship that has remained faithful. 

Post # 23
Member
1065 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

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ilovebacon:  That’s great- for you.

The best relationship I know is a couple who have been married 35 or so years.  They are truly beautiful together, the type of relationship which gives you butterflies on their behalf.

Not many people know this about them, but they have spent every single anniversary apart since their first one (or the closest weekend anyway).  I don’t know what they do and either does the other one.  The woman is the one who told me this and alluded that she had had a couple of one night stands on her weekends “off”.  The guy might go fly fishing or camping or to the hookers.  She doesn’t know.  When they come back, they do not discuss their weekend whatsoever.  They agreed to this on their wedding night.  She said that when they come back (they have a curfew on the Sunday to be back at the same time) they are so in love with each other, have incredible sex and a new found appreciation which lasts another year.  

Would that work for me?  Hell to the nawww.  But it definitely works for them and they are amazing for it. 

 

Post # 24
Member
860 posts
Busy bee

I feel like I went into this article really open mindedly, but I have to say, people like her give my Fiance and I a bad name. We’ve been in an open relationship for 4 years (the entire time we’ve been dating) and will also have an open marriage. We have carefully negotiated rules and agreements. Her whole reason for not negotiating with her husband was societal pressure to be monogamous, and that she thought they might say something regretable. If their ability to communicate is that compromised then their relationship is definitely not getting stronger. I know people in the poly world who have a “don’t-ask-don’t-tell” agreements, but they are agreements they negotiated, not ones that they fell into after patterns of serial cheating. 

Post # 25
Member
1065 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

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ilovebacon:  You are wrong about “you cant cheat on someone you love and respect.” @Do you know how hard it is to maintain a first time relationship all though your youth without any kind of slip up? I do think that marriage creates a hard line that I dont intend to cross, and I have never done anything atrocious, but it is testimony to how much me and my SO love each other that we have dealt with trifling, youthful, hormonal bullshit and stuck it out. Sex and love are not synonymous. You can be sexually attracted to people you hate. Sex can be meaningless. And I dont know why its considered such a transgression. There are many ways to be unfaithful. If I promise to support my husband’s dreams but then make him stick to a dead end job for stability, I have failed him. If I promise to be intimate with him, and then let myself go and shut my body off to him, I have failed him. I am not going to cheat on my husband and I expect him not to cheat on me, but we are all human and that biological drive is so strong. And I think if we lived in a better world, we would be able to sleep with other people while maintaining deep intimacy with one person. Im just carrying too much cultural baggage to pull it off.

 

 

Post # 26
Member
1719 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

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Syzygy88:  But it’s not that hard to maintain a first time relationship all throught your youth without any kind of slip up.  My Fiance and I have been together since high school and neither one of us has had any kind of slip up.  I think always striving to respect your SO and relationship no matter how old you are or how difficult your relationship becomes shows true love.  Obviously people find a way to have sexual relations out side of their relationship (open relationships) but that isn’t cheating because their spouse knows about it and is fine with it happening.  Sex is meaningless to many people but it’s not to the woman who wrote the article because she links it to her self worth.  Yes people can have strong relationships after cheating has happened but they became strong because of the hard work the couple put into the realtionship not because of the cheating itself.  I’m sure that if couples put as much work into thier relationship before the cheating happened as they did after one cheated then many times the cheating would not have happened.

Post # 27
Member
599 posts
Busy bee

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nessdawwg:  See, I think that’s disgusting. The best relationships that I know are those who stay faithful to the person that they love. That’s truly honorable. Not some couple that goes off on their own to fuck a bunch of randoms then pretend like it didn’t happen. But hey, whatever floats their boat, I guess. 

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Syzygy88:  Agree to disagree. I’ve been with my husband for more than a decade, starting when we were teenagers. We’ve been faithful to each other since day one. We’ve both agreed to end our relationship if either of us feels the need to cheat. WE firmly believe that two people who love and respect each other do not seek out other sexual partners. Frankly, I don’t give a shit what other people choose to do with their lives but for us, this is a dealbreaker and not something that I will ever understand or support. 

Post # 28
Member
3277 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

This article made me very sad. It appears that the woman is playing at having affairs because her husband has clearly checked out of the marriage. 

Every couple decides what the parameters are for their marriage. My husband feels that infidelity is a dealbreaker and I agree with him. My husband is also far too jealous and insecure to be okay with me having men on the side. It is strange because I was promiscuous before I was married for a short period and now I can’t imagine making love with any other man. 

I will say that love and sex are different. Just as it is possible to love someone without going to bed with him, the opposite is also true. A cheating husband can still love his wife but not enough to be faithful to her. Men tend to me much better at compartmentalizing their emotions, especially when it comes to sex. Cheating is a total lack of respect and complete selfishness.

Over 20 years ago, my father had an affair. My mother stayed with him because of her children, but their marriage was never the same again. Soon it will be my parents’ 40th wedding anniversary and my mother still talks about the cheating all the time. I once asked her if she would have a vow renewal and she said “No. Cheaters do not deserve to renew vows with spouses who stayed.”  My poor mom. 

An open marriage is a completely different scenario which is not cheating. Though I could never participate in such an arrangement, I don’t judge those who do. Europeans tend to be far more liberal about infidelity than North Americans. I also notice the same with women in the Caribbean. 

Post # 29
Member
1262 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

Yeah, what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, and all that nonsense. But I don’t need my partner to betray me or vice versa to know my love and relationship are strong. Sounds like self-denial justification and a refusal to let go and move on alone. Ugh. 

Post # 30
Member
451 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

Honestly, this article had the ring of being completely made up – I can just see the editorial/writing team sitting around a conference table saying, “How about this? A “tell all” piece by a woman who’s OK with both her and her husband having affairs behind each others’ back? That ought to get our readers all riled up.” That’s a common practice for “women’s” magazines . . .

  • This reply was modified 6 years, 8 months ago by  .

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