(Closed) Cheating and affairs make your marriage stronger?

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
Post # 31
Member
770 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

Mayne cheating did make her relationship stronger, but it didn’t sound very strong to start with. 

Post # 32
Member
3075 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013 - A court...

Pfffft!!!

Post # 33
Member
609 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Even though this arrangement would NOT work for me and my marriage, I think it’s possible for this to work for some people.  The thing is though, I don’t think it’s working for the woman in the article.  When I was reading, I heard a lot of hurt undertones coming through her words.  Especially at the end where she said something about just enjoying time at home with her boys, it sounded like she was growing out of the lifestyle.  With men being how they are, especially with her husband being 2 years younger than her, I would be surprised if he felt the same way.  I would be surprised if their marriage lasted too much longer (but hey, I could definitely be wrong). 

Post # 34
Member
6105 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2013

Cheating and affairs make your marriage stronger?

Post # 35
Member
2013 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

“The more I think about it, the less okay I am with our lifestyle, so I’ve become pretty good at shutting down that part of my brain.”

This is totally sad. This line says it all. She is fooling even herself. From the sounds of it, they never should have gotten married to begin with. They seem totally incompatible. It’s no wonder they both seek out the affections of others. I do believe that open-marriages of all types can be productive and successful, but the author’s marriage just seems dysfunctional.

Post # 36
Member
579 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

The author and her husband are NOT cheating. Cheating involves deceit and both people in this situation are very aware of what the other is doing. A lot of you are saying that they are being disrespectful to each other but I disagree. This is a mutually beneficial relationship that follows guidelines they’ve decided on together. Not once does the author mention that she feels disrespected or lied to (the only part she wasn’t okay with was when she couldn’t enjoy herself while she was pregnant). From what I understood, she has issues with two things: If this arrangement leads to one of them falling in love with another person, what happens? And what are the repercussions for her sons? Those are the things she has to deal with. I feel like a lot of readers are taking the article as an endorsement of cheating and it’s not.

With all that being said, I know this situation would not work for me and my boyfriend as we are both too jealous to handle it. We have discussed it though- what if we change our minds in the future? It’s worth a conversation, at least.

Post # 37
Member
2942 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

 

macielilla:  I think they are still cheating because they aren’t honest with eachother about what they are doing.  If they could have an honest conversation about it, it would be an open marriage.  They can’t though. 

And that is really what struck me about this article.  She doesn’t like the situation, or the relationship.  She doesn’t seek out something she is actually happy with.  She doesn’t try to go to counciling to make her peace with her relationship or find a way out.  If she was doing anything that truly made her happy, and this was a part of her relationship that her and her husband had discussions about and could share, really, more power to both of them.  I couldn’t do it. 

With every paragraph in this article, she sounded sadder and sadder.  The fact that she says it “works for them” is really the shame, because it truthfully does not seem to work in a meaningful way.

Post # 38
Member
4 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: April 2014 - Indian Springs Metro Park

I would like to see what she has to say about this situation thirty years from now.  I have heard sooo many people’s stories who in their younger years thought that their choices and views were the best (example: being a player, remaning single “forever”, cheating, open marriages, three way marriage”, etc) were the best ideas ever… only to say now how they were naiv, and their life styles messed them up, it was all a lie/whishful thinking to hide the truth

Post # 39
Member
219 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

The more I think about it, the less okay I am with our lifestyle, so I’ve become pretty good at shutting down that part of my brain. Because truth be told, I do worry that Dave might fall in love with someone else. That’s why when I see his secret smiles or notice him spending tons of time texting, I step it up on my end, asking him to be home on a certain night and initiating sex. I remind him how much I love him and how much our marriage means to me.

Yep. I read strong marriage all over that paragraph.

Post # 40
Member
9877 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

What a depressing article. It just sounds like she tolerates his behavior because she knows he’ll leave her otherwise, and in turn she’s sleeping with other men just to keep things “fair.” Sorry but I think that’s a horrible excuse of a marriage.

Post # 41
Member
566 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Cheating doesn’t make her marriage stronger. Denial just holds together their unhappy marriage. It’s sad. She’s trying to justify a really crappy situation. I don’t think she’s alone in that – how many women turn a blind eye to cheating because they’d rather be married and cheated on than deal with the pain of divorce – but it doesn’t make it any less sad.

I believe there are different kinds of marriages and what works for one couple doesn’t always work for another. But to me and my husband, this is not a marriage.  To us (and this doesn’t have to be for everyone who’s married) our marriage is about joining our lives together, being the most important, most trusted person in each other’s lives and sacrificing some of our individual selves for the good of the marriage. The marriage that she has seems to be an arrangement where they can enjoy each other’s company, support, and sex when they want but they don’t have to put any work into the actual marriage. To me it’s a very immature type of relationship. She says it works for her but I don’t buy it. Could it work for some people? Maybe. But she is clearly unhappy and insecure and is telling herself that cheaing makes her marriage better when it really just masks profound incompatibility and unhappiness.

Post # 42
Member
2557 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

While I am supportive of whatever kind of arrangement a couple wants to make in their relationship; open, monogamous, or somewhere inbetween; the key to any healthy and “strong” marriage is communication. If you’re doing something like this and you feel uncomfortable openly discussing with your spouse, your relationship is not a strong one, regardless of how you try to convince yourself otherwise.

Post # 43
Member
257 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

View original reply
ilovebacon:  I really hope for your sake you never find out your husband did anything once or that he or or you never does. Forever is a long time. I hope you really have this relationship you think you do and that it lasts forever. If not you’ll be seriously hurt and/or have to eat your words.  I would never be with someone that thinks like you. You’ve basically agreed to If you ever slip up ever so slightly he should toss you out like trash. And with the rude things you’ve said and assumed about other people I would hope he does. 

Post # 44
Member
566 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

So there’s kind of a sub-topic on this thread about whether you really love someone if you cheated on them, or if cheating really CAN make a relationship stronger or exist in a good relationship.

I think it can. I think a couple can overcome cheating. I think it can expose issues that the couple wasn’t dealing well with and then the couple can figure those things out and become stronger. I think people can betray their spouses in various ways but still love them. People mess up. But people also learn and grow and change. So I don’t think cheating is necessarily the death knell or an indicator of a lack of love.

That being said, I still dont’ think the author of this article has a healthy marriage and I don’t think perpetual cheating can coexist with a healthy happy marriage. In theory I suppose an open marriage (boundaries, open communication, etc) could work but I can’t imagine it because I’m SO not into that.

Post # 45
Member
5 posts
Newbee

This is so sad. She’s been unhappy and insecure for 7 long years…how can you live like that??? And now she’s convincing herself these 7 years are some kind achievement…

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