(Closed) Cheating boyfriend soon to be FI

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
2459 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I haven’t been in this situation, but what about therapy?

Post # 4
Member
928 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Definitely get couples counseling. You say you’ve forgiven him, but it’s clear you haven’t as you still hold it against him. Part of forgiveness is not holding it against a person forever.  Please get counseling.

Post # 5
Member
235 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

no offence but get over it. u had barely been together – i could understand it if it happened a month ago – but u chose to stay with him after u knew what happened, so forgive and forget, and move on. otherwise u should have left him 5 years ago. he messed up, but sounds like a loving partner and father now. stop torturing yourself

Post # 6
Member
4690 posts
Honey bee

It’s been 4 and a half years. You need to find it in your heart to truly forgive him or this is going to bother you for the rest of your life. Have you seen a counselor? Individually and together? In this case, I think it could really help you move on from this. 

Post # 7
Member
2894 posts
Sugar bee

We had an incident early on in our relationship (electronic, not physical) that took me about a year to get over. Forgiving someone doesn’t mean you forget. You’ll probably always remember. That’s not the point of forgiveness. Forgiving someone means that you’re no longer holding their wrongdoing against them. But, that being said, recovering from something like that is NOT a one way street. It’s not the responsibility of just one person to “get over it.” Feeling like you question whether or not you trust them is a very natural response and one we had to go to counseling to resolve. 

One thing that helped me was acutally something my friend told me when I was complaining about this very issue. She said, “At some point you just need to decide. You either forgive him, choose to trust him, and move on. Or you don’t.” At that moment I realized that it was my choice to continue being actively worried about his reliability as opposed to truly allowing him the second chance that he proved he deserved, the one that we worked so hard on in therapy. Since then I have zero issues with him being around women or going out by himself. I’m not saying it’s an easy, overnight change. It isn’t. But it is something that requires a conscious decision. And it is something that requires the help of your partner. Is there something he’s doing or failing to do that causes you to lose your comfort? Is he not communicating enough? Is he not making you feel reassured that you’re the only one for him so when he leaves you become worried? Let me know if any of this helped. 

Post # 8
Member
1460 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

You’ll never forget he cheated…it’s impossible….all you can do is forgive him.  You’ve stayed with him for 5 years and even had a child with him so surely you can make it over this trust hurdle. 

It sounds like he had an early relationship dalliance or two in the beginning.  Have you discussed why that happened?  You’d been together for a few months.  Maybe he wasn’t ready to settle down or he was scared.  I think if you can get to the bottom of why he did it you can get over it. 

Good luck!  🙂    

Post # 10
Member
809 posts
Busy bee

Besides his cheating years ago, has he done anything to make you not trust him recently?  I’m sorry, I haven’t been in this situation before.  I just know that I could NOT be with someone that I don’t trust 100%.  I think you’re smart in wanting to let go of this before accepting a proposal or getting married.  Best of luck to you!

Post # 11
Member
235 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

love this reply. was said a lot better than mine. (sorry for that)

Post # 12
Member
261 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

I’m assuming that you and your FI have talked about the issue at the time and squared it away. If not, that is your first step.  2nd, I think it’s natural for people to be jealous.  My SO has never cheated on me or given me any reason to be jealous but sometimes I get jealous when he talks to his friends who are girls.  I know it’s stupid and silly but I also think it’s human.  It’s ok to have these feelings but at the same time what you do with these feelings is what’s important.  I know I’m just being silly when i have these irrational jealous feelings so I just have to stop being a drama queen and talk myself off the end or “confess” to my SO that I was feeling a little jelly. If this isn’t working for you, I think counseling is the best next step. 

Post # 14
Member
1623 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

My approach is simple: just decide to trust him.  Given that this was several years ago, and given that you’ve stayed with him since and he’s done nothing else to cause you to mistrust him….simply just get past it.  Look at it this way: you both deserve to be with someone that trusts them.  So, get past it or leave him.  He deserves your trust at this point.

Counselling will help, but individual counselling (I think) not couples since this is your issue.  

You DO have the power to change your thinking/feeling.

Post # 16
Member
772 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@clleon:  Sorry, I have not been in this situation, so take this for what it’s worth.  It was years ago.  And you chose to forgive him.  If you harbor resentment (which you clearly do considering you get mad at him when he goes out) then you really should consider therapy/counseling.  I would absolutely do it BEFORE accepting a proposal and planning to marry.

I should also add that 5-6 months into the relationship is very different than 5 years in, considering marriage, and raising a child together.  I think you should accept that it happened, do what you need to in order to start the processing of truly forgiving, and move on.  And remember, forgiving heals YOU.

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