(Closed) Cheating boyfriend soon to be FI

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 17
Member
5317 posts
Bee Keeper

I suggest couple’s therapy because now that he has cheated it’s not surprising or wrong that you would be very slow and careful to trust him again. For many people, the saying “once a cheater, always a cheater” is true. However, he may be truly, truly a changed man, and he needs to prove that to you. And, while its often a better idea to just find a man who hasn’t betrayed you once already, as your son’s father and first love, i can see why youd be motivated to root for him, really hoping he has changed. A therapist can help negotiate the tricky water back to the trust you once had.

Post # 19
Member
1193 posts
Bumble bee

 i do trust him completely but then when he goes out with his friends i get this jealous side and I get angry at him because i think hes out flirting with every girl or going to do something with one of them


That doesn’t sound like you trust him completely, or even 98% like you say you do. It seems you still do have serious trust issues. It isn’t healthy for you to feel that way everytime he is out because in reality you can’t be with him every second. Maybe couples therapy would be good, I don’t have much advise because I honestly was never able to trust someone again that had cheated on me. I married someone I trust whole heartly instead. But with you both being in a better place and having a child I hope you can find a way to move forward and REALLY learn to trust for the sake of your own happiness and future together. 

Post # 20
Member
638 posts
Busy bee

@clleon:  I totally understand your feelings on this, I went through something eerily similar.  It occurred four months into our relationship, and I didn’t find out until a year later.  I found a youtube video of a drunk chick dancing around with/on him and his pig friends hooting and hollering on the sidelines.  It was on a yearly guy trip they take.  Supposedly that was the extent of what happened.  To this day, I can’t be sure on what exactly happened, at a minimum a bunch of flirting and, well you know the maximum.  The ONLY reason I did not end it is because we had not yet discussed what exclusivity meant to us, and I didn’t explain my expectations for how I want a guy that is commited to me to act.  But, he knows now.  So it’s kind of like he got off on a technicallity.  And because I chose to forgive, I no longer have the right to bring it up or let it interfere with our relationship now.  It’s not something I will ever bring up again, and if I feel jealous or insecure when he goes out with the guys, I never let on.  And he still goes on that yearly guy trip, as much as I hate it, I don’t say a word about it.  But there’s always the thing inside me that will never forget.

I think the passage of time helps it go away…I try to look at all the good things he does now, and how devoted he is…and that incident gradually fades.  I just think it’s something that takes a long time.  Try and focus on what’s good about him now.  That’s what I’m doing.

Post # 21
Member
994 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

One thing that really helped me is that someone told me that trust is a decision.  You can choose to be trusting or not in any situation.  Jealousy is just an emotion that is normal to have from time to time.  You don’t have to let it control you.  I find that voicing my jealousy out loud helps it dissipate. 

Post # 23
Member
848 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2015

I’m going to speak from experience and this is going to long. Grab a cocktail. 

My SO and I have been together for 4 years. When we first started dating, he cheated on me and the woman he cheated with ended up getting pregnant. The night he told me, I felt like I had been punched in the stomach. 4 years later, we share custody and  raise his 3 year old son together. We also have a good relationship with his little boy’s mother. I love his boy as my own child.  It wasn’t easy though. Salvaging a relationship out of that mess was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I’ve done a lot of reflection since and I know that my first reaction, despite what he had done, was  if he wanted to work with me and get through this, I did too. Once we decided to stay together, I was a mess of emotions. We felt so fragile and I was scared of losing him, even though I should have been furious. I pushed down a lot of my anger and just worked on getting through the pregnancy with a stronger relationship. It didn’t help that his ex made my life hell and I blamed her so much more than I blamed my SO. Looking back, I know that I blocked out my anger towards him, because I couldn’t hate him and want to move on with him at the same time. Eventually, after his son was born and time passed, time healed most of the wounds as it tends to do. I moved in and as anybody would, started to really love our little man. After 2 years, my relationship with my SO got much more stable. We had a lot of fights and a lot of talks and I said I forgave him but deep down I know that I didn’t. Because I was so concerned with not losing him, with focusing on one thing at a time, with trying so hard to let go of resentment, I swallowed so much anger and hurt and betrayal. And then suddenly it was two years later and I should have been “over it” by then. What I learnt is that if you don’t deal with it, it comes back up. When I didn’t expect it, we’d be talking and he’d say something and my mind would jump back to all those nights I spent crying and the anger would flare up and jump into my throat. I realized that I didn’t let myself be angry and feel the really, really terrible feeling you get when you realize that someone you care about has  betrayed you. I felt like he never understood how deeply I was hurt. We were having dinner one night   last year and I looked up at him and out of blue I asked him “why did you do it? I gave you so many opportunities to be honest but you chose to lie. Why did you do what you did?” Only at this point, years after the fact, could he give me a truly honest answer. He told me “I didn’t know how to stop living like I had been living for years before I met you. I did it because I could.” I felt like a weight had been lifted. I think when you go through something  terrible and painful, even after the initial rawness of it has healed, it leaves a scar. And you pretend that scar isn’t there and that it doesn’t bother you that your story isn’t a nice, warm boy meets girl love story,  and you pretend that you’re over it because you really, really want to be over it. You have to see that pain through all its stages of healing and when you get closure, you can fully forgive and move on. My history with SO is not something I’m proud of. We both made mistakes and we bared the ugliest sides of ourselves more than once. and let’s be honest, that look in people’s eyes while they do the math and decide he is either an asshole or I am a homewrecker isn’t much fun. But through all that fighting, hating, healing and growing, we’ve become different people. Neither of us is the same person we were 4 years ago and what we have now, the family we built and partners we’ve become, is just the best thing I’ve ever had. My point is that I know something about betrayal and how eventually, people start expecting you to be over it because your allocated time to be angry has passed. You have to acknowledge that those feelings you have are valid because he hurt you. and he needs to acknowledge it. Tell him that your jealousy is coming from that place because though you want it have this done and forgotten so badly, it keeps coming back up. Pin point what it is that you need. Get your closure. Do it with a therapist if you’d like. Speak with your Fiance and tell him what you’re feeling. Most importantly, remember that you are not the same person you were when you first started dating. Remember that your Fiance is not the same man that he was. Reflect on what you’ve built and what you’ve accomplished together. Really ask yourself if you could see this man that has built this life with you, doing the same things he did all those years ago. You are mad at the  man that hurt you 5 years ago, and that man isn’t here any more. Get the closure that you need and put it to rest, love. 

Post # 24
Member
669 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Let it go. The past is history. If you can’t get over the past there won’t be a future.

Post # 25
Member
638 posts
Busy bee

@clleon:  Yep, that’s the same thing I struggle with- is it me not trusting him, or am I just dealing with my usual insecurities.  I have baggage about trust though, due to my exhusband having a full blown affair and lying to me.  I try not to take it out on my current guy.  

As long as your guy has not given you any recent indications that he would/is cheating, then I think you can let it go (and the same for me!). I just wish there was a way to completely forget it though.

Post # 27
Member
638 posts
Busy bee

@Jellybones:  +1 –  I did end up having it out once and for all with my guy too, and it was nearly 2 years after it happened.  We both got everything out and laid it to rest.  And that did help.  

OP maybe an honest talk would help.  

Post # 28
Member
257 posts
Helper bee

My sister is in a similar situation as you. She has decided to take baby steps. They have recently moved in together so she can figure out how he acts, but I have to say after seeing my sister’s heart broken twice I do not trust him and it won’t go away so I can’t imagine what she feels like. I think at this point you decide to trust him and move forward or cut ties completely and find someone you do trust. Since you have a baby with him it is complicated so I would just go to couseling occationally to hold him accountable and take the step of marriage and the first sign he cheats you get the heck out of that relationship and never look back. At least if he cheats in a marriage, you can take him for half or more so maybe he will think twice.

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