Cheating cousin

posted 2 months ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
5752 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

I think the fact that there are relationships with both partners does complicate things, but it was wise of your SO to tell his cousin “you need to tell your husband or I will.”

However, neither of you knows what’s going on inside their marriage and the same man who is a great friend to your guy could be a terrible spouse to his wife. So, I think YOU should be careful calling someone scum of the Earth when you’re hearing a story second hand and both of you need to be careful minding their business too closely.

To me, if you love both of them (or your SO does) and want the best for them, then your job is to be compassionate about supporting them through a difficult time. Because right now, you just sound like judgy gossips and how does that benefit either of them (other than making sure the cheater gets in trouble)?

Post # 3
Member
6262 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

soexcited123 :  this is always weirdly controversial on the bee. Everyone thinks the cheater is scum but there’s always disagreement about what to do. Like you, I don’t give a shit about the cheater. I wouldn’t even give her the chance to tell. Relative be damned. But your husband will have to be prepared to be the shot messenger. She can lie, friend can choose to believe her and blame him and end the friendship. That’s a risk you have to take. I’d do it anyway. 

Post # 6
Member
512 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2020

I think getting involved in someone else’s relationship runs the serious risk of magnifying the problems with outside projected drama, gossip, and opinions. 

The kindest thing to do here is support them;

yes, hold her feet to the fire about coming clean to him and then support them as they work through it. 

Putting our own judgment, emotions, and reactions on someone else’s relationship is a very human thing to do, but if you can refrain and be the calm in the storm, and see yourselves as a neutral zone that just holds space IF they need it, would be the most helpful course of action. 

Post # 7
Member
3090 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2021

I do not understand people with the “stay out of it” mentality. No. If you care about someone, you don’t actively keep information from them that they deserve to have. 

I think your husband did the right thing by giving his cousin the opportunity to come clean herself, but if she doesn’t, he absolutely should make good on his promise. He’s been friends with this guy since high school… That means something. 

Post # 8
Member
1863 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2016

soexcited123 :  you’re saying his cousin is dumb but honestly it sounds like she wants to confess but doesn’t actually have the guts to come clean herself. Why else would she tell anyone, let alone a close friend of her husband?

I wouldn’t give the cousin a long timeline to be honest and I’d prepare your partner that she won’t stick to the timeline and he’ll have to break the news. You also need to prepare him that his friend might find it hard to move their friendship past this. He already knows and didn’t tell him straight away and he’s probably going to be delivering the news. 

I think you’ve done right. I think the cousin needs to come clean first because I’d prefer my husband to tell me. For some people they’d prefer their friends to tell them than the person who betrayed them, it’s very personal. I think if she does come clean, your partner needs to tell his friend he knew and go from there.

Post # 9
Member
1376 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

Can someone please explain why, out of all the people she could tell, she told OP’s fiance…..the one person closest to both herself and her husband???   More than likely she told her best friends so I doubt its about being unable to keep it a secret….so why him?f

Honestly, I think she secretly wants her husband to know and probably wanted OP’s fiance to tell him….no matter how much she denies it.

Post # 10
Member
493 posts
Helper bee

Well…if she doesn’t come clean & tell her husband herself. Then your fiance should definitely tell him. Bc the guy deserves to know what is going on behind his back. 

Post # 11
Member
2465 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: NJ

Your Fiance should not tell his cousin himself, because he got the information secondhand, how does he even know it is true, or in context? He shouldn’t tell him anything of this magnitude unless he knows about it, seen it himself, and has ironclad proof.

Your Fiance can tell the friend to tell the cousin himself. If the friend will just say how he knows this. If it is flimsy or subject to too much speculation, then you should all probably let it drop. There is too much you don’t know.

Post # 12
Member
750 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: City, State

Your fiancé shouldn’t tell the friend she is cheating, because like a pp suggested, he hasn’t seen it 😒. 

He should tell his friend that the cousin TOLD him she cheated and that he gave her x amt of time to come clean before he discussed it with the friend. Fiancé can leave it at that. He doesn’t need to speculate, guess or gossip. Just relaying the facts he knows is the fairest thing for everyone.

 

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