- 3 years ago
- Wedding: October 2017
*** SORRY for any typing errors, wrote this in an emotional rush***
Wow, all I have to say is I never thought I would find myself in this position. I guess nobody does. I’m still in a state of complete shock, anger, sadness, did I mention anger?
I created this throwaway account because I really need some advice right now.
It’s a long story….
THE SHORT:: My fiance’ and i have been together a total of 4 years. We had a short breakup back in mid May to mid June. He made me think I was crazy and it turns out he was pursuing an 18 year old girl, and slept with her while we were still together. We reconciled and I only JUST found this out yesterday from the girl messaging me photos and date stamped proof of them being together while we were still together. He’s “sorry” for lying, and I want to believe him, but I don’t think trust can ever be regained.
THE LONG:: My fiance and I have had a pretty happy relationship over the past 4 years. We’ve had some communication issues, but other than that nothing major. There has never been a doubt in my mind he was an honest man, I never feared of him doing anything behind my back or cheating on me.
About a year ago we moved to a new city together for his new job. I put school on hold, moved with him, everything was great in this new city. Fast forward to a few months ago. This new guy started working with him, let’s call this new guy “John”. John and my fiance’ quickly became friends. I never could quite put my finger on it, but I had this gut feeling about John, I just knew something wasn’t quite right. John is married and my fiance’ started going over to their house to hangout more and more, going for dinner but I was never invited, which is odd right? John is married, so my fiance, john and his wife just hanging out without my fiance inviting me? Yeah, I thought something was off too. I mentioned this to my fiance who immediately got defensive and said I was being controlling, jealous, etc. (I’ve never had a problem with him hanging out with his guy friends, but I had a feeling about this guy and the fact that I was never invited made it seem fishy to me)
A few weeks went by of this new found frienship between my fiance and John. My fiance always going to John’s house without me. Then the night before Mother’s day happened. Thinking about this night still makes me sick to my stomach. The night before Mother’s day my fiance went over to John’s house for dinner. I was at home getting some desserts ready as my fiance and I were leaving early the next morning to visit my family 3 hours away. My fiance was supposed to come home later that night. I get a text from him saying he’s staying the night at John’s house. EXTREMELY out of the ordinary for him. Immediately my gut instinct is telling me something isn’t right. I tried calling him several times to ask why he was staying and to remind him of our trip early the next morning, he didn’t answer any of my calls. After texting and trying to understand what was going on, he FINALLY answered. He was hostile, defensive, saying him and John were playing video games, he swore it was just him and John which is why I wasn’t invited and that he had been drinking so he wanted to stay the night. Once again, compltely out of the ordinary for my fiance. I just KNEW something wasn’t right. We ended up getting in a fight over the phone. He stayed the night at John’s and came home late the next morning after me calling him a million times freaking out because we were supposed to be on the road to visit my family. When he got home we got into an argument that concluded in our breakup. He convinced me that I was crazy, and jealous, and made me feel like I did something wrong.
We officially broke up on Mother’s day. It took me a few weeks to find an apartment and move out on my own. In the few weeks of me still living with him almost every night he would stay over at John’s house. My gut told me someone was over there he didn’t want me to know about, but I assumed he just wanted to get away from me. He explained “he couldn’t be around me and he needed to get over me”. Anyway I moved out on my own, got my own apartment. It was lonely, sad, I went on a date or two, I worked, ate dinner alone, cried over ice cream, the whole breakup routine. Through the duration of out breakup we kept in contact every now and then because we co-own dogs together. He would randomly text me he missed me, and I would say I missed him. After about a month, month and a half of being broken up, he called me crying wanting to work things out. We spent a few days together and our relationship was better than ever. I quickly moved back in, we were getting along,our engagement resumed.
Well yesterday John’s wife messaged my mom on facebook (I dont have one so she went through my mom), saying my fiance was a manipulative liar, he dated her 18 year old sister while we were still together and claimed she had proof. I found it all very out of the blue, and shocking. Obviously I confronted my fiance about this and he swore up and down they were crazy, they were lying, that her 18 year old sister came to visit after we broke up and had a crush on him but nothing ever came of it. Despite my best judgement, I bought his story….for a few hours. Something kept nagging at me, that gut feeling again. Finally I got John’s wife’s phon number and asked her what is going on. She sent me pictures of my fiance and her younger sister together. IT LOOKED LIKE THEY WERE A COUPLE!!! In the car together, her laying on his chest while he was sleeping,my fiance and her at a birthday party together. Oh and were did this 18 year old sister of John’s wife live, WITH JOHN AND HIS WIFE!!!!! I thought maybe all of this happened after our breakup, which would have been fine, we were broken up. NOPE. She sent me time stamped text messages of them PLANNING TO MEET before we broke up. Him telling her she was beautiful, he couldn’t wait to meet her. ALL WHILE WE WERE STILL TOGETHER. I felt sick, like someone punched me deep in my gut. HE PLANNED THIS, LIED, AND MANIPULATED ME. That’s the worst part of all of this.
After texting her and gaining proof I confronted him last night, I gave him one chance to be honest with me. He flat out denied it yet again. I told him I had all the proof I needed right here, you’re caught be honest, thats the least he could do right? Finally he started admitting things slowly. He continued lying, then he would finally admit somthing else, lying then admitting something else when I showed him the proof. He planned to meet her while we were still together, he hung out with her at John’s house while we were still together (all those times I was apparently being “crazy”) and they slept together. AND SHE’S 18!!!!!!!!!! He’s 27 by the way. He apaprently talked about wanting to marry her and have children with her. He lied to this 18 year old, John and John’s wife about me. Talking about how horrible I was, how he hated my guts, lying about us being broken up when we weren’t. Eventually John’s wife caught onto this, and thank GOODNESS she came forward with all of this. John’s wife said he had everyone fooled, including her sister, and even their mom!
I feel sick typing this, like I don’t know this man. How can someone be capable of this level of manipulation and deception?
I just literally don’t know what to do right now. I can’t imagine ever being able to trust him again. What else don’t I know?
I go from being sad, to mad, to apathetic and the viscious cycle continues.
I don’t know what I want, I don’t know who this man I thought I knew is.
Has anyone been cheated on and been able to work through it successfully?
In my opinion the lying is worse than the cheating, it was pre-meditated and sick.
Is it true that, once a cheater always a cheater?
I don’t even know if I want to forgive him, I don’t know what I want as this is all so fresh, and now I’m rambling.
Any advice would be appreciated…