(Closed) Cheating Fiance. I feel so dumb

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
56 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

Oh dear.

Post # 4
560 posts
Busy bee

tell him and let him decide what he wants to do. You made your choice (knowingly or not) and now he gets to make his choice.

Post # 6
756 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

Are you sure you weren’t drugged?

Post # 7
7642 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

mrscarlson145:  If you didn’t consent, you were raped. I am so sorry, but it sounds like this might have been what happened.

Post # 8
781 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

What?! That’s not cheating that’s rape!

Post # 9
2091 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I don’t know what to tell you. On the one hand, you regret what happened. Are you even sure that you had intercourse? You don’t even remember what happened for sure. On the other hand, should you go into a marriage with a huge lie looming over you? Would you want to know?

It sounds like it was a one-time thing and a complete mistake. If you are not going to EVER let something like this happen again part of me wants to tell you to bury this incident and never speak of it to him or anyone else… I don’t think that telling him will do anything but relieve your conscious, which in many ways is selfish. Part of your punishment should be carrying the burden. If you tell him, I HIGHLY doubt that he will go through with the wedding. He will probably question your entire relationship. Everything will be ruined. 

I guess you have to decide what is most important, staying with this man or possibly losing him?

Post # 10
6436 posts
Bee Keeper

mrscarlson145:  You need to get tested to it sounds like you were drugged and raped. Sorry to be so crass. But please tell your Fiance this. You need to protect him and yourself. This other guy sounds like he took advantage of you and did this on purpose. I’m so sorry this happened to you. 

Post # 11
1211 posts
Bumble bee

WHOA! Let’s NOT jump to rape yeah? She said she doesn’t remember. She doesn’t remember ANYTHING. Which means she very well COULD have consented. She knows that she drank a ton. And while the guy offered to sleep in another room she could have drunkenly seduced him for all we OR she knows. So how about people take a deep breath before you start brandishing the torches and pitchforks and possibly convince her to destroy an innocent mans life by wrongfully accusing him of rape shall we?

Post # 13
781 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

MrsGolden2Bee:  if you are that intoxicated you are not able to give consent!

Rape is sex without consent. Consent means giving permission. Consenting to sex means that you know what you are doing, you want to do it and you know you can stop anytime. Being pressured or feeling you have to or being scared not to do it is not true consent. Most people know their rapist and they are usually a friend, partner, ex-partner or relative. This makes it hard to believe that it was rape but that is the word if you were coerced.

It doesn’t matter whether you say ‘no’ shouted ‘no’ or even thought “no”. If they didn’t check out if you were into it then you didn’t give consent.

Perpetrators often use alcohol or drugs to make someone vulnerable or to excuse their own behaviour. If you are too drunk to decide or unaware of what is going on you cannot give true consent. It is never your fault: Being drunk does not mean you give up your human rights.

Post # 14
681 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

I agree 100% that you were raped and possibly drugged and raped.  As PP have stated, you should get tested.  I would also consider filing a report with the police.  Was this someone you knew?  That is none of my business, but something you should think about how you will address.  If it was a stranger I would, no doubt, go straight to the police.  

Do NOT wash your clothes from the evening.  if you have any bruises, take photos.

If you got blackout with a friend/acquaintence it is marginally better than a total stranger, but still not ok that he forced himself on you or did not comprehend that you were too drunk to consent.

My response may sound harsh but I have been raped twice.  Once very violently and a second time by an acquaintence (at the time) and his friend.  I never went to the police for either at the time (although did about 4 years later for the first one when nothing could have been done) and wish I had all these years later – especially the first time. 

Post # 15
2766 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

JustMe12182:  omfg. Knowingly or not?! this is a case of date rape and you just knowingly (or not) blamed the victim!

mrscarlson145:  you need to go to a health clinic and get a rape kit done. Blood, vaginal swabs, everything. What you CONSENTED to was sleeping in his bed while he slept on the couch. Please seek help. Tell a friend or a close family member so they can help you figure out what happened with the involvement of the proper authorities. Please don’t try to deal with this on your own and please don’t shelf this. 

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