(Closed) Cheating Fiance. I feel so dumb

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 61
Member
1211 posts
Bumble bee

drdeebee:  Ya, which only works effectively if she is that drunk and he is sober. What if he was the same level of drunk? If he ended up as drunk as her and she initiated it then technically she would have raped him. But we don’t know because she CAN’T remember. People need to be VERY careful about conclusions and accusations in these situations.

Which is WHY instead of people jumping on the seemingly obvious yet wildly convenient solution of rape when there is actually very little real solid evidence to that fact that probably wouldn’t hold up in court, she should get off the forum and get to a doctor ASAP, so that they candso a rape kit for her. The clock test will at least let her know if there was any resistance from her. If there was she will have a more firm direction to go in knowing she wasn’t a willing party.

If there is no sign of resistance but she has at LEAST done her due diligence and was tested. Then she can at least make a more informed decision about how to proceed. And if in her gut she truly believes that she was date raped because while she was into it she didn’t give consent, and she wasn’t actually the instigator, AND he wasn’t as drunk as she was, which means that technically SHE could be seen as the rapist. Then yes, press charges.

*Lawyered*

Post # 62
Member
153 posts
Blushing bee

Oh my gosh that is awful.  That is not on…. I  Mean even when you are totally drunk you can remember snippets of the night…. I believe if you have no memory at all…from the time he offered you to sleep in his bed till the morning that is very very fishy and you could NOT have consented. 

Post # 63
Member
1211 posts
Bumble bee

mrscarlson145:  Thank you SO much for your update. And thank you for knowing the difference between one person being taken advantage of and two people being too intoxicated to give consent and it being a mess all around.

*Note* this is why in some states it’s actually illegal to have sex with anyone while intoxicated but the law isn’t really used anymore. Because it can quickly turn into a horrible game of “who’s the real victim”.

Yes, many date rapes go unreported, but there are also many that are wrongly reported and it’s a horrible thing either way.

I have been drugged TWICE and black out drunk one. I know how scary this can be.

Youre in a shitty shitty position so *HUGS*. I think that you should tell your fiancé what happened. It’s only fair. Crappy, I know. But fair. So I’ll send up some good thoughts for you and wish you luck.

Post # 64
Member
1211 posts
Bumble bee

And to everyone that was SO fast to scream rape on this guy. To have the OP come back and say that she knows without a doubt that she WASN’T raped. Think about it. Just think about it.

Post # 65
Member
1268 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

mrscarlson145:  So so glad to see your update. You are obviously a very strong and centered woman, and it sounds like you two, as a couple, have exactly what it takes to work through the issues. 

Good luck with the next few weeks, and have an amazing wedding. Remember to be kind and compassionate to yourself while you work through everything – you’ve been through a lot and deserve some gentle-ness, even if you might not think so right now.

Post # 66
Member
1552 posts
Bumble bee

I agree that people shouldn’t be jumping straight to the ‘rape’ notion. I was going to say that maybe there is a logical reason for ending up naked without sleeping with this man e.g you vomited on yourself or something and had to wash your clothes so decided in a drunk blur to sleep naked while they washed and dried (which is something I would totally and stupidly do). And then at some point this guy whilst drunk decided he needed to sleep in his bed not the couch but you were in it and he couldnt wake you so he though F it and just sleep. Then you both wake up naked in bed thinking WTF happened. 

BUT you said the other guy remembers you making out … which is bad. Honestly I think you would always know if you had sex. I mean if you didnt use a condom then you would obviously know. And if you did use a condom, there would probably have been signs of it the next morning of its wrapper or in the bin and condoms have that distinct smell and lube feeling that they leave inside you,(sorry if too much detail).  SO its very probable you didnt have sex – surely at least one of you would know and there would have been signs. But obviously you need to tell your fiance because making out is still serious. Be honest, tell him everything you remember and how you feel now about it and you just have to hope for the best. For the record, I think you can move past it as a couple but I dont know your fiance and it is all in his hands now.

Post # 67
Member
2123 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014 - DD born 2015 DS born 2017

KateA17:  +1 And just to add on to that, some more detail, I can always feel down there that I had sex the night before, as well as a distinct smell even if a condom wasn’t used especially if they didn’t wash or go to the bathroom after. If the guy was blackout drunk he might not gave cum, but OP should have an idea if piv happened..

I really love your clothes washing idea too though, that’s something I can see myself wind up doing too!

Post # 68
Member
510 posts
Busy bee

I love how all the people who cried “rape!!” and got outraged immediately, are suddenly silent when it becomes apparent that the guy was drunk too. Why aren’t they accusing OP of rape? Under their logic, there was no excuse when others suggested the guy might be drunk too, so in the name of equality it doesn’t matter that she was drunk when it happened. Where’s the outrage for him?

**OP, I don’t in the slightest accuse you of rape. Honestly, I respect the crap out of your attitude right now and I feel for you. What a shitty situation. Honesty is best, and the sooner the better (what if your Fiance finds out that your friends knew long before him?). Just bring forth your honest feelings that you’ve communicated to us here, and be ready to give him some space if he needs it.

Post # 69
Member
239 posts
Helper bee

mrscarlson145:  I told you!  Now you know how much he loves you. Prayers for you guys. I am glad you told the truth. Very commendable, and he would have found out anyway eventually. The truth always comes out and I am sure he is really glad it came from you.

Post # 70
Member
497 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 1993

Wow! All I have to say is…Good luck OP!

Post # 71
Member
192 posts
Blushing bee

OH MY GOD

I knew some of you were completely dramatic and sheltered but the nonsense in this thread is AMAZING.

JUST BECAUSE SHE WAS BLACKED OUT WHEN SHE HAD SEX DOESN’T MAKE IT RAPE.

ThThis guy could have ALSO been blacked out. He could have been very drunk.  Do you people not realize that when someone is in a black out stage they may not seem like it? Not everyone who is in that stage is falling down drunk. She may not have seemed that drunk to the guy if he was also drunk.

Now obviously if there was ANY evidence that he drugged her, he was stone sober, ect I would not be saying this. If this was assault, it is not your fault because you were drunk. However, I think a lot of girls in this thread have never even been drunk before…

Post # 72
Member
584 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

Ya’ll give me a headache, for real.

First off, calling rape “wildly convenient ” is sickening. Do any of you actually KNOW how few rape cases are falsely reported, and how hard it is to get a conviction on someone even if they ARE guilty? 

 

Go away and read this: http://finallyfeminism101.wordpress.com/2013/08/26/one-reason-why-false-rape-allegation-statistics-are-so-high/ then come back. 

The reason people who were “screaming rape” are silent is because at this point, it’s apparent that, as a PP said, this is a messy non-consensual situation all the way around. People were quick to say rape because we had less of the facts than the OP, and we were trying to make sure that she was aware of the possible causes. 

When both parties are drunk, it is a legal gray area, as someone else stated. However, we had no information regarding the guy and his state when the post was written. 

OP–sorry to threadjack but some of the ignorance was too much for me to be quiet about. I’m glad that we understand the full story, and I hope that you and your Fiance can work through this without any ramnifications or long lasting effects. Good luck. 

Post # 73
Member
2763 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Do you feel like you were raped? Could there have been something in your drink that made you blackout & not remember? 

Post # 74
Member
5950 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2014

She doesn’t know if she was raped if she was drinking that much. She doesn’t know if she was drugged unless she gets tested. Did you have other friends around at this birthday party that might’ve seen how much you drank etc? Or know how you got to his place?

Post # 75
Member
2763 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I guess I should’ve read everyone’s posts first. I see now that it was already discussed.  Sorry.  Just ignore my post. 

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