(Closed) Cheating Fiance. I feel so dumb

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 76
Member
781 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

MrsGolden2Bee:  I never suggested that she could legally file a claim for rape. Please read my additional posts. However, due to her level of intoxication it is not legally possible for her to consent to sex. Therefore if someone had sex with her this falls in a legal gray area. You suggesting in your post that it IS possible for her to consent is blatantly wrong. In my line of work we regularly hear this type of story and view these women equally as victims for the purposes of their treatment. Just because something cannot be prosecuted doesn’t make it okay. I am also not saying -and NEVER said – the man she was with needs to be punished because we did not have enough info from OP – YOU were the one who started saying maybe she did or didn’t consent and so we shouldn’t ruin lives (as if we could, or anyone suggested that before you – granted after your post people said that sort of thing, but I didn’t) 

Jillbean1217 – YES!!! I think people are right to exercise caution but it is really sad that so few did so appropriately.

On a side note OP, as a PP said, if the guy was as drunk as he reports now and you didn’t have any fluids/wet spots it is very unlikely that sex occurred. Thus it is unlikely that you were actually raped. I’m so glad you told your Fiance and it sounds like you guys have a great relationship. Good luck with your marriage.

Post # 77
Member
74 posts
Worker bee

I’m so sorry but why the f*** didn’t your friends call your fiance or why didnt your fiance call you? And how could that guy drive you anywhere while he was that drunk? 

Post # 78
Member
584 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

imnotgettinmarried:  Read the update by the OP. It was the guy’s house and he is a mutal friend of all of them. It was her bachelorette party, it appears, so he may not have thought to call. The friends were also drunk and sloppy. 

Post # 80
Member
4697 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

Um what in the hell do you mean WE haven’t decided to tell him yet? 

Who is WE? Obviously not you and the man you’re supposed to be marrying. Grow up, tell him what you did, and let him decide how he wants to proceed. You acted ridiculously and completely disrespected your Fiance and your relationship.. 

Post # 81
Member
118 posts
Blushing bee

KC-2722:  you must of missed her reply, she did tell her fiancée, he’s upset but not ending things with her.  I think others may be right, did you feel like you had sex? I can usually tell the next day, but when I am that drunk I always end up naked because I get so hot!

Post # 82
Member
3378 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

If you cannot even remember what happened, honey you didn’t cheat, you were raped.  First things first, I’d go to the hospital and have a rape kit done.  Find out if you did, in fact, have sex, and start going through those proper channels.  Tell your fiance so he can support you (and seriously, if he’s mad at you that some dick took advantage of you while you were drunk, that’s a problem and is not OK).  You cannot give consent if you are that impaired – no consent = rape.  Period.  I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this, but please don’t feel guilty and get yourself taken care of (including getting the morning after pill if necessary).

Post # 83
Member
229 posts
Helper bee

How long ago did this happen? If you go to the clinic they could examin you and tell you if you wer recently penetrated I believe, depending on how close it is to the incident. The morning after did you notice any unsual “sex” smells down there? I can always tell after sex with the semen smell… sorry for the details…

I hope it all works out for you  x

Post # 84
Member
3378 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

Also, to all the people talking about “legal gray areas” – this is why the “No means no” campaign was problematic and certain states (like California) are trying to pass legislation specifying that consent must be given – the new “Yes means yes” campaign.  You cannot legally consent to sex if you are intoxicated.  You should not be having sex unless you can have a conversation about it with your prospective partner (and if that’s embarassing to you, you aren’t mature enough to be having sex).  But yes, if you have sex with someone who is too impaired to make a decision about it, it’s rape.

Post # 85
Member
263 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

mrscarlson145:  That is definitely sex without consent if you don’t remember it. If you can’t remember giving consent, you didn’t give it. The guy should have realized that you were too drunk to do anything. He took advantage of the situation, especially since you remember him saying he would sleep elsewhere. 

You need to visit the doctor and be tested. And then explain the situation exactly to your Fiance. Just be honest, explain everything, and go from there. It will be hard, but you don’t want to leave out anything.

Post # 86
Member
13 posts
Newbee

drdeebee:  

Maybe he was too drunk to consent….what then? I would keep this to yourself and never drink again.

Post # 87
Member
584 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

SadieBee:  FutureMrs.Huemiller:  I definitely am in the yes means yes camp. I understand how consent works, but I think the issue comes with the problem that the OP is having. Both of them were highly intoxicated, and it seems that BOTH of them were too drunk to give consent. What then? I’m not trying to be belligerent, I genuinely want your opinions.

Post # 88
Member
13 posts
Newbee

drdeebee:  How is it rape if he was just as wasted as she? He has more responsibility than she? Why? That seems ridiculous to me. Just because she is a woman, doesn’t make her a victim.

Post # 89
Member
3378 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

jillbean1217:  Legally, those situational factors (that both of them were extremely impaired) would mitigate the wrong-doing on both parts.  I think rape is a loaded term that people don’t fully understand – most hear rape and think “Some predatory person forced themself onto you” when often that isn’t what rape looks like.  This is where the term “non-consentual sex” becomes helpful – it’s entirely possible (or probable) that this was non-consentual for both parties.  My whole issue is that it’s never helpful to say things like “Well, you put yourself into that position by getting so drunk” – it’s the whole culture of sex in our country that is the problem here, because the expectation should be that both parties need to give consent (VERBALLY, not just “Yeah, it was obvious that he/she wanted to”) before sex takes place.

Post # 90
Member
444 posts
Helper bee

Lawyer here. From a purely legal standpoint, if you are highly intoxicated (ie, blacked out), you cannot legally give consent to sex. Period. Just like you couldn’t legally consent to being bound by a contract. I am sad that so many women don’t understand this. A somewhat similar situation would be if a 15 year old pursued a 30 year old and the two had sex. The 15 year old is legally unable to give consent, even if she says “YES, DO ME YOU 30 YEAR OLD!” Whether or not you agree with that is irrelevant in a legal context. 

The fact that the other person is highly intoxicated as well doesn’t negate her lack of consent, but it could negate his lack of intent or understanding of her intoxication and inability to consent. 

The topic ‘Cheating Fiance. I feel so dumb’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors