(Closed) Cheating Fiance. I feel so dumb

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 91
Member
13 posts
Newbee

Don’t drink and things like this won’t happen. Drinking clouds your judgement so that you can no longer protect yourself even from yourself. Besides meth, alcohol is the most dangerous drug. If you drink to blackout stage anything could happen to you.

  • This reply was modified 5 years, 3 months ago by  latka6.
Post # 92
Member
13 posts
Newbee

pumilionis:  So only the man has responsibility? That’s absurd.

Post # 93
Member
444 posts
Helper bee

latka6:  Did I say that? No. If the woman is not intoxicated and the man is highly intoxicated, the same rules apply. (Just physiologically it would be harder for a highly intoxicated man to rise to the occasion). I simply used “her” because we’re discussing things from her perspective. 

Post # 94
Member
584 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

 

SadieBee:  pumilionis:  Both of these comments make sense. I know that rape and non-consensual sex come in a variety of different packages, but the mutual inability to consent had me wondering what the responsibilities were or even if he could be held responsible if something did happen (I realize I’m straying far away from the OPs intent, but I think these conversations are important). Thanks for your insight bees!

  • This reply was modified 5 years, 3 months ago by  jillbean1217.
Post # 95
Member
584 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

latka6:  Victim blaming FTW! These types of comments aren’t helpful to anyone. 

Post # 96
Member
3378 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

latka6:  Your comment is so far away from helpful, it can’t even see it on the horizon.  Why not “don’t dress in a way that’s attractive to men and things like this won’t happen” or “don’t walk alone at night and things like this won’t happen.”  Victim-blaming is never OK.

Post # 97
Member
2454 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

OP, props to you for telling your Fiance and handling this in a mature manner.  I wish you the best.

To all other posters, I implore you to choose words carefully.  We did not (still do not, really) know the full situation.  There is a world of difference between asking the OP to consider if this was rape and making the bold statement that she was raped by a sober man and should press charges.

And to the posters who claim that false rape is rare…  You are correct.  But that doesn’t mean it’s non-existant.

Post # 98
Member
2697 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

mrscarlson145:  That is a good update!

I’ve had this happen to me too… I was single at the time, but it’s not fun.

Happy you two are working it out, I hope you do get to the bottom of things.

Post # 99
Member
2868 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I have had this happen as well and not been too sure afterwards exactly what happened. Drinking very strong alcohol puts me into a really weird trancelike state, somewhere close to sleep. It happened with a person and circumstances that even sober I would have deemed safe.   The alcohol might have been spiked.

Post # 100
Member
781 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

SadieBee:  I think this is such a helpful point! Yes I agree that people are responding to the term “rape” by its legal definition. Perhaps non consensual sex is a more correct term! Great point!

Post # 101
Member
3378 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

drdeebee:  Well, actually, from a legal perspective there is no difference between rape and non-consentual sex (they are the same thing).  I just think culturally people have a different understanding of what rape means (they don’t understand the full legal implications of what is included under that term), so non-consentual sex might be easier for them to get their heads around.  But I’m all for clarifying terms and having conversations about this so we’re all on the same level!

Post # 102
Member
2120 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

OneDayMrsL:  regarding your “cry rape” feelings, they’re just not accurate. 0.03% of all rapes are false reports. Thoughts like yours are why so so so many rapes go unreported, and is a toxic thought to put out there.

Post # 103
Member
681 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

stephncollins:  Especially toxic when over 60% of rapes go unreported as it is.  Although, I think the poster was primarily thanking the OP for updating us all and may have used a bad term.  The only post I found of hers wasn’t nearly as harsh as a lot in the thread.

  • This reply was modified 5 years, 3 months ago by  Consultette.
Post # 104
Member
781 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

SadieBee:  yep I appreciate your point

Post # 105
Member
2847 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Wow, your fiancee handles this very well and good for your for handling this so maturely.  I think we have all done a stupid thing or two when drunk….

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