(Closed) Cheating Fiance. I feel so dumb

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 106
Member
1324 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

i’m proud of you for telling your fiance. i wish the best of luck to you both, and i highly suggest not drinking around acquaintances that are basically strangers. 

Post # 107
Member
998 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Mrs.Sawyertobe:  Agreed.

OP-I have been in your position before (not while in a relationship tho), and just know that the embarrassment you are feeling about how you behaved will fade. Good luck to you two and I hope your wedding goes well!

Post # 108
Member
9544 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

OP: First, it sounds unlikely that you actually had sex. Does sound like you were making out with this guy, which sucks. I’m really glad you told your fiance and that he’s being so understanding. I think it’s a good rule to not drink (or not drink more than 1 drunk, or whatever your limit is) when you’re not with your fiance in the future. I have a lot of respect for how you’ve handled this thoroughly crappy situation. Honestly, getting that drunk and messing around wasn’t a good idea, but how you handled things from the moment you woke up sounds to be the best possible way to handle things.

SadieBee:  I agree that if two people are blackout drunk neither of them can give consent so any sex is non-concentual. I also agree that “rape” is a very loaded term that most people associate with one party taking advantage of the other party, not mutual inability to give consent. So I think we all need to be careful about our assumptions and our wording. In your own first post you said “some dick took advantage of you while you were drunk” which is not what happened, at least not any more so than she took advantage of him. Granted, we didn’t have all the information in the original post, but we should all work at not making assumptions about what happened when we realize that we don’t have all the information. And I don’t really mean to single you out, there were a lot of bees that immediately jumped to the conclusion that she was raped and the guy took advantage of her, without hearing the rest of the story. I’m just too lazy to go back and tag everyone! But I agree with everything you said after that first post about the need for affirmative consent rather than the lack of resistance!

Post # 109
Member
3378 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

JenGirl:  Agreed – I had not read through all the updates when I wrote my first post, and I agree that from all of the subsequent info it doesn’t sound like this guy intentionally took advantage of her.  I’m more worked up at this point about how many commenters here still seem to think that “she was drunk” is a reason to put blame on this happening on her (hence my subsequent posts trying to clarify, through a legal perspective, what rape actually means and the importance of consent).

Post # 110
Member
2167 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

 

mrscarlson145:  Sorry but waking up naked beside some random guy is cheating, whether you slept together or not. You need to tell your fiance. Can you imagine how you would feel if he woke up naked next to some skank just days before your wedding and he never told you about it??? He deserves to know before marrying you. If he decides to leave because of it then he is fully justified in doing so.

 

ETA: Saw your update. You did the right thing by telling him.

  • This reply was modified 5 years, 4 months ago by  sillysillybee.
Post # 111
Member
13 posts
Newbee

jillbean1217:  She stated herself that wasn’t a victim but even if she were a victim, drinking does make you vulnerable to people with bad intent. It’s just a fact. Alcohol and bad things go together. That’s all I am saying. drinking to the point of wasted is dangerous. Think about Natalie Holloway. If she hadn’t been drinking, she probably would have left with her friends but her self protective instict was obliterated by the alcohol and she stayed alone with that5 monster.  Anyone who has been that drunk knows what I am talking about

  • This reply was modified 5 years, 4 months ago by  latka6.
Post # 112
Member
458 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I’m not even going to get into the rape thing here, because the fact is that OP said she doesn’t feel she was raped, and I’m just going to respect her feelings here since none of us were there to know for sure.

OP, I’m glad you told your fiance, and I’m glad he’s taking it relatively well. I really hope the both of you have a wonderful wedding and that you can both move forward in a positive way after all of this.

I am frankly appalled at the drug accusations more than anything else. Just because she was blackout drunk and doesn’t remember anything does NOT mean she was drugged. OP said she drank A LOT and normally doesn’t drink, which would indicate a pretty low tolerance to alcohol, and all other signs point to becoming blackout drunk. Just for the record, blackout drunk in and of itself means that you can’t remember anything…hence the term “blackout.”

I’m not saying it’s impossible she was drugged, but to jump to that conclusion when she admitted to drinking a lot, is ridiculous. Typically, you know you were drugged if you typically drink a lot, but one night you blackout for no reason, or if you’ve had 1-2 drinks, which normally would not make you blackout, but then there are parts of the night you can’t remember. Basically, if you “blacked out” but there was really no reason that you should have been blackout, then you were drugged. 

I’ve been “blackout drunk” a small handful of times in my life (like 3) and I have many nights that I call “brownouts” where I can remember the night, but I might forget a few things, like a specific conversation I had, or how many games of beerpong I played, etc. Most of this was in college. I have never once felt that I was drugged on any of those occassions. I openly admit to drinking too much on those evenings. Jumping to the drugged conclusion is insane.

Post # 113
Member
600 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

Wow OP, such a messy situation 🙁 *hugs* I am happy though that you told your fiance and that he is taking it better than expected. From everything I’ve read so far, it does not seem like you had sex which is great, but other than that, I hope you learn a lot from this situation and also figure out what really did happen.

Good luck and I hope you have a wonderful wedding! You seem like a very strong and honest person and your finace seems like a lovely person who is willing to listen and try to understand and not jump to conclusions. Keep us updated 🙂

Post # 114
Member
9544 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

SadieBee:  Totally agree. Nobody can dress, act or drink to a point where they “had it coming to them”. It’s a horrible way to think about things. In this case, and in many others, they both drank way too much and they both have to take responsibility for their drinking and what happened, which it sounds like they both are. But in other situations where one party is taking advantage of the other, it is never the fault of the person being taken advantage of. 

Post # 115
Member
169 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: February 2015

mrscarlson145:  My heart goes out to you sweetie, it really does. If you are inebriated you are legally unable to give consent, but in a real world situation, this becomes much more ‘difficult’ and ‘grey.’ This exact thing happened to me in my last year of high school. It was never reported, I got tested etc, and it was never really looked at in the light of it being a crime (it happened at a party and it was in the middle 90s). You need to talk to someone; a professional counsellor. You can play the ‘coulda’ ‘shoulda’ ‘woulda’ game, but this has happened and you need to get some help, and soon; waiting any longer can have serious repercussions, not only healthwise but for your relationship. So call a helpline or make an appointment to see someone today. **Sorry, I didn’t see your update. I know that sick, horrible, hot feeling, but you’ve done the right thing by telling your partner. I don’t want to be a pessimist, and it sounds great that your fiancé is dealing with this, but you have to go extra-gently with him. These things have a way of coming out in the future, either overtly or passive-agressively, so I really, really recommend that you guys, talk it out with a therapist or a professional at some stage. Good luck, and I really hope it works out for you. x

  • This reply was modified 5 years, 4 months ago by  blondie_ems.
Post # 117
Member
1646 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

mrscarlson145:  I just want to offer you my support. You did the absolute right thing by getting tested and telling your Fiance about it. That took a great deal of maturity and courage to do. The fact that he reacted the way he did also shows how mature he is as well – he is willing to trust that you are giving the correct version of events as you remember them and he is willing to try and work on things with you. I give you both a great deal of credit for the way you are handling the situation.

The only thing you can do now is wait for your results and learn from this incident. I wish all of you the best!

Post # 118
Member
13 posts
Newbee

It’s not a matter of judging you. I know I have done thing I am mortified about. I’m sure most of us have. Just keep yourself safe.  By sharing your story, you may have helped people. I know you feel like crap right now but try to be good to yourself. you can’t change the past but you can change the future.

Post # 119
Member
1211 posts
Bumble bee

jillbean1217:  Since you quoted me and quoted me INCORRECTLY and obviously with no understanding of what i meant let me just say. Back. Off. Maybe go back and read everything I wrote with a little less indignation.

Some people were saying that she WAS raped as if it were fact. It was the exact lack of evidence that you referred to that made me take my stance of “let’s just all have cooler heads and think it through from all angles first.”

 

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