(Closed) Cheating Fiance. I feel so dumb

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 121
Member
4698 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

alwalters625:  Yeah, def missed it! I agree.. I know when I’ve had sex. Waking up naked doesn’t automatically make me think I’ve done it. 

Post # 122
Member
561 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

mrscarlson145:  You might not call rape on this situation, but it was kind of a dick move of the guy, if he slept with you.  Unless its your boyfriend/husband, if a guy or girl is so drunk that they are “showering the puke” off of themselves, you don’t take advantage of the situation.  Sorry, I’m not liking this guy.  NOt calling him a rapist, but I will settle for “asshole”.  I know it’s easier to think of him as a good guy and you making all the mistakes (I know firsthand that this helps even if it seems counter-intuitive).  BUt stay away from this guy and don’t trust him at all.

Post # 125
Member
2091 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

Well, that is a relief. Take care OP!!!

Post # 126
Member
619 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

I would add to what other PPs have said, that you should get the morning pill. like, ASAP. The efficacy is best if taken less than 72 hrs after the intercourse. I don’t know if you can get it over-the-counter in your state/country, ask the pharmacist about it, or go to a clinic!! Did your gyneco suggest it?? Who knows if you’re gonna get pregnant from this guy?… and of course STD testing.

well, unless you found a condom somewhere in his room, but even then it’s possible no protection was used before or after… I wouldn’t take any chances.

Post # 127
Member
619 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

edit: just saw you are on the bc pill… did you take it that morning? or you usually take it at night? just making sure! (pharmacist in me worrying!!)

Post # 128
Member
831 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: Either Philadelphia City Hall or a small chapel.

I’m glad you decided to tell him. I wanted my situation to go away and just move on from it so I kept it from him as long as possible because of being ashamed and also it hurting our relationship. I didn’t even tell my other friends. Even though it is still bad, I felt like it would of been easier if I was upfront and not have somebody else be. It also happened at a time where I was depressed because I couldn’t be with him for a while so I wasn’t always occupying my time (especially since I was having a hard time finding a stable job) in smart ways. 

Disclaimer: I know it was stupid for me to get that messed up around somebody I didn’t really know , but, I felt safe with my girlfriend, thought my actions were sufficent, and didn’t give it much thought. Names were changed.  

Here is pretty much my story. I decided to go to a friend’s and drink. Brandy said she had somebody over. Nothing unusual. Deciding everything was cool I come over with some beer. Like 4 that were in my fridge. She and her guy friend Andy also had a bottle of whiskey or rum at her apartment waiting…I don’t remember what kind of alcohol it was anymore. I didn’t wanna drink too much liquor so I decided to wanna get more beer for myself. Walked to the bar with friend because he didn’t wanna go unless one of us went (I was 20 at the time so I couldn’t.) and she didn’t feel like going.

On the walk there, Andy’s just making small talk and asks if he could hold my hand, being a little flirty, etc. I absolutely declined and thought that was the end of it. We got the beer and went back to the apartment. Some drugs got involved, but, nothing I was a complete stranger to. Since I really didn’t have much to do the next day, I wound up saying the Hell with my limiting myself since we were having fun. They wound up messing around and I just sat there awkward & half-wasted since it was late and I had no way to get to my house (a little too drunk to walk and realized I forgot my keys after already leaving), occupying myself with my phone and more alcohol. 

Some point in the night, I just remember laying in bed with Brandy (don’t know how much time passed between me doing anything else like sitting around & talking like we were or getting more drinks) and him trying to get in bed with us. She slept on a futon in her living room and had a roommate in the bedroom. Don’t know if they were home, but, nobody was allowed in their room in general. I said something to the effect of “I’m only laying/cuddling with her.”, but, was really too drunk at this point to be livid or even think that clearly to take better charge. 

After that, it was morning. I assumed I just fell asleep, but, realized when I went to move I didn’t have bottoms on under the blankets. Not even underwear. He was in the kitchen getting ready to leave. Andy said goodbye and left. I didn’t really say anything and just got dressed quickly, sick as a dog between everything. 

I texted her about what I did remember and she like,”LOL. I don’t know.” and something about her vaguely remembering trying to mess with me. That had never happened when we hung out before partying so I was a bit surprised and just tried to forget about it. It was just a one-off wild night. 

Flash forward to a few months later and I get picture a picture message from her. Thinking it was something random or funny I open it…and it’s both of us bottomless laying on the bed not even awake. Andy took the blankets off and on blatantly and did this. This grown-ass man (he’s in his mid-20’s and has a son) seriously sent our picture to people and also didn’t leave me alone when I asked him to. She stops talking to him supposedly, which, I think she should of did in the first place when she realized he stole from her subsequent times they hung out. 

Flash forward to around August 2013 and Brandy disespects one of my girlfriends Shayna when she wasn’t even doing anything wrong. It was just big game of jealousy between her and her ex that still has me confused until this day. Long story short, she had her sometimes-ex Brendon and his cousin living there until they got a new place. Me and Shayna hung out with them while she went to hang out with our guy friend Robert since he was going through some stuff. Brendon & Shayna realize they met at an event before and are just chillen while he plays a video game. I wasn’t checking my phone, but, suddenly get a phone call from Brandy that we have to leave because of Shayna. Supposedly there is this whole conspiracy where Brendon was saying Shayna was making advances on him and telling her to stop when that never happened. Everybody was in the same room the entire time. I had words with Brandy, especially after Robert put his hands on Shayna when she tried to confront Brandy who hid in her apartment building upon arriving back, and distanced myself from her, especially when I tried to point out Shayna didn’t do anything. He never said anything negative and was the one getting cozy with her and honestly, if she expects Brendon to ever commit to her…she’s dreaming and needs to give up. I knew of girls he was still sleeping with or have recently. She says some bullshit about the incident we had with Andy and that if FH knew and supposedly other dirt that she had on me (which there was none), he wouldn’t speak to me again. 

I’m able to be with FH again. Still debating to tell him or not. Since it’s not like I did it blatantly or it continued happening, I still keep it inside. I feel I’ve learned my lesson. He winds up hanging out with Brandy and she suddenly remembers everything that happened (supposedly a 3-way of some sort) and is even saying that he was smacking my ass & flirting with me when we came in from the bar. NOT TRUE AT ALL. If that happened, I would of left when I was still relatively about my wits or made her kick him out. FH is angry to the point of saying really nasty & messed-up things and we don’t speak for almost 3-4 days.

We make up and start to talk about it. Brandy insists I knew what I was doing and this happened & that happened. Um, how can you even say that when I asked you in the first place and got vague details? She even made up stories about me & her new roommate messing around and a bunch of other things. FH knows when I’m lying so he immediately realized Brandy was putting shit in his head and revealed she expected him to leave me & sleep with her the night of her tell-all and other times before that. He also said her story changed a couple times.  There was an incident the year before (sometime in Fall 2012) where she was really drunk & flashed him at our old place. I forgave it because she started throwing up and couldn’t even hover over the toilet so she just sat in our bathtub puking with the water running because she fell in there. Ripped our whole shower curtain down in the process. Now, I realized Brandy wanted him all along and her seeing me in a vulernable place was a chance in her eyes. I’m civil when I see her and a part of me still cares about her because we bonded plus I have an attatchement to her daugther (has been in foster care since 7/12), but, I really can’t believe what kind of person she turned out to be. Especially, after I knew her for like 2-3 years before the drama.

My point is you never know who may blow you out of the water. Especially, if they have ulterior motives.

Post # 129
Member
1079 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

mrscarlson145:  I have been quietly stalking this thread. So glad you told your fiancé and that things are working out. What a wonderful and understanding man you have. I never would’ve thought rape in your case. I never even thought you slept with him. Generally if people are that drunk they don’t have the ability to sleep with someone lol. Glad things are working out and you enjoy your beautiful wedding!! 

Post # 130
Member
199 posts
Blushing bee

mrscarlson145:  are you sure someone didnt drug you? Your story sounds like rape, because ive never in my life gotten so drunk that i lost consciousness or all sense of right/wrong while still awake and able to have sex. And ive def binged a few times. As for your fiance, this one is tough but you really need to do whats right and tell him. Its not fair to him to get married to someone under false pretenses, if you ask me, thats fraud. not only that but how could you wake up every morning and face yourself knowing you lied to him by not telling him? That’s no way to start a marriage. Gather up the courage and do what you need to do. If he really loves you, and has no reason to believe you’re lying, he might think youve been raped. If you in fact knew what you were doing when you were drunk, he may forgive you. He may also call off the wedding or postpone it but thats better than living a lie

Post # 131
Member
199 posts
Blushing bee

Mango817:  just realized you already told him… Good for you!

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